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Leave A Legacy.
Leave A Legacy
Script encrypted in literature only scholars could understand
Dividing language into terms to easily underhand
All normal people who only ever think on the surface
Don’t ever let people into their mental premises
These are the things I can conquer quite easily
By delving deeper into your heart and mind
Looking for somewhere to start and to find
Out about all your fears, even if it brings you to tears
Know that you can lay all of them to rest
I maybe provocative but I ain’t no pest
So have you ever wondered if there's an after life
If your family died before you would you see your wife?
Up in the clouds of heaven or down in the fires of hell
Cause when you were on earth, you got corrupted and fell
From the grace of god’s illustrious grip
Never knew your life could end so quick
Didn’t achieve, always acted like a dick
To everyone and anyone, around you
Cheated and stole just to get threw
Life, well no need to copy me or anyone else
Cause where your going, there isn’t even a book on a shelf.
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This was a really nice read...
It had some really deep lines.
But I think in some place's the flow was choppy.
Your vocab was also good and didnt make the piece too simplistic.
Centering the text made the structure look better than it was.
Nice topic which you attacked well.
Good drop.
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the topic was good n deep, had a nice blend between metaphorical and materialistic, and was actually a real thing that could get u thinkin, very good use of words and but i agree with LM when he said some of your flow was choppy, other than that, this was very good, nicely done
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^^^^^ thanx for the feedback LM and Knightmare ....UPPIN need more thanx
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Good topic... structure was decent, but you didn't really hit the "legacy" topic that well... but it was decent and had some nice vocabulary
Work on trying a more personal approach to this, it could end up alot better... also try and improving your flow, it was difficult to read out in places, but this is your first piece ive seen with good vocab and flow usually falls off a bit when your just starting out with big vocabulary.. regardless, nice job and keep writing
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Vocab was adequate. Thought some wordings were odd - some thoughts didn't quite seem to connect - first two lines were pretty good seemed to go downhill from there - just trying to give you some honest feed - keep writing - hit my Breathless
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thanx for the feedback wogzta and SMZ i'll hit your OM thread.
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aight man not bad at all......thoughtful peice ..you need to work on your syllable count and your flow...when some of your lines are long and some are short that can throw off the reader...I like the first paragraph...Part more than the second because on the second you lost your poetic speaking and went more into vernacular which is too rough and sharp of a contrast for me...........all in all though a nice try good peice keep working......dman man........you got potential.....if you hone your skillz..pz...
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this was a pretty tight drop.......structure could have been a lil better by makin them around the lines around the same length......flow was ok........this was a nice read though......good choice of a topic, and i liked how brought it out......vocab was alright, but u made up for it with the way u wrote this.......overall this was pretty tight drop......keep postin and elevatin holmes......this was nice.......
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^^ thanx DiMurgic and spastic lryicist more decent feedbak needed thanx people.
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UPPIN can i please get some more intelligent reviews, so please if u read this post a response thanx ...peace
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nice man, nice. Spit like that when u battle, try it sometime aight mayne. But this open mic was nice, i like the mood i got when i red it, good job on this one, put more down man. The flow was nice, i really didnt find any choppiness, but maybe like 1 place it felt alittle choppy, but i really didnt notice any. Ya vocab was nice, and also ya wordplay. Good job on this open mic.
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This was good man. I'm glad to see Open MIc has returned to what it used to be...DOPE. You had some nice lines in there. It seemed like a deep piece to me which made it better. If it wasn't, it's still good. Keep spittin dawg.
-Withersman
