A Disciple's Thread

Tould

It’s just best you walk away cause of the way you treated me today
I’m in no competition I’m fucking exhausted
And I don’t go looking for until I’m ready to cry - you lying! And I ain’t lost shit!
So what the cost is?
You fake, you phony, you talking behind my back
You don’t care that I don’t feel good but still talking smack
Like it’s an attack…
How I trust you now?
It’s like you did and do it on purpose
And you already know how it feel all alone on earth is
But not when they can just do it on purpose
Fuck you and what your worth is
cause that’s what you played me for
But I still don’t feel worthless
It just make me hate the games and secrets even more
And everyone done played the part before
Say swear I’m a whore! I dare you
I’m just praying now they finally let me walk away
I’m just asking one question of you all
Why can’t or won’t you just point blank say it
You act like a sideways comment enough to pray it
LYING knowing I ain’t ever even say shit
I’m tired of being held so low
Fuck you you and you and who tell who where to go
I ain’t making excuses for NOBODY no more
And once you walk out… fuck what you heard I really do close the door

Ironic… and spiritual… not pertically to us but in a way to and some understanding as well… stuff like this why I won’t leave the site. I believe in angels and miraculous ways they say hi

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Nah that I’m a girl comment… he’s not bi and not prejudice towards either. Jus the way I write and what I’ve been thru - not many woman have to go thru

Broken Hearted

Look here what you done started
Now I stand broken hearted
And you think I’m supposed to trust you as a partner?
You see me sick, fuck with me again, and now don’t think it’s even harder
Idgaf about you either
You ain’t even a believer
You talk about my shoulders - high and low and me… I’m just like
I don’t like you neither
And in my Nikki voice say “exhale - BLOW”
I heard the claim you aired me out…
Word? Say word you own me or who own
And that’s what this shit about
Like you drilling a non racist down cause all that was left was the clout
U N I T Y no doubt
Fuck you and your squad - I request quick and easy - so tell me…
Is there a dollar amount?
I mean why do you all do it?
Besides laughing at putting me thru it
Why would you sign to hell
Rather than just take off the stupid spell?
Imagine a world that all they do is pretend
And you so fucked up by it you don’t know the difference between a real or fake friend
Save my soul? Yeah right
I worked too damn hard on it
And it’s ok I really don’t care
I’m used to being left standing all alone broken hearted
Check one check twice - was I even aware?
And like… yeah I can be an asshole too
You ain’t even got a clue
But I ain’t doing that to you - cause it ain’t even worth it
But when you remember me wrong remember I wrote it right
And even all alone still put up a fight
Even/even - that’s worth respecting
But jumping on one already tied… well…
Define neglecting
You get points for that? That’s worth some reflecting
Yeah TI - do I have a daughter that fight just like me
Cause I stood for what ever was coming for me
On top of insanity

https://youtu.be/L7_jYl8A73g

Nobody understand me… I get one night out 7

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He left me… so easy too… I pray he die

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I really do though

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I’m about to sign myself in…

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I used to be a balarina… I got into the centre. But when my parents divorced and assets got frozen I couldn’t to to school…

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I hate this I hate my life now

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Hello pac and biggie make me feel better but no one even care

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Who I attached to or bonded with make me look so stupid

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Rape to rape I know what’s up but he still don’t care

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I hate him so much right now.. and as he say social media gonna be my downfall ig fac

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Swaying squirming… I need to remind myself he did this to me

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I get one nudge out of 7 and he left me…

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Squirming and swaying I don’t think he understand how much I hate him right now and will ice pcim him

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Honestly j just want fo die and go to a better place… bur I can’t do that cause suicide my plight

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“God won’t give you more then your soul can bear
@ yeah right you

My boyfriend don’t care that I’m mentally ikk… he left me tonight. Turned off his location blocked and all that.

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I’m just sitting here like it’s all good cause I’ll never allow a mother fucker to abuse me again anyway and the secrets he keep betrayal any way

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I’m tired of their secret society shit anyway

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I ain’t ever do shit I can’t admit to bjt like they can’t see it my way

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https://youtu.be/cx9DZuPseNQ

Saddest song I ever heard.. but at least he has a circle ⭕️

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My boyfriend playing games and gating caught up

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I ain’t do shit but he not gonna know that until later

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Yo I drank 9 nips of soco…

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Hoping I pass out with my phone off in case I think of going weak.,,,, he gonna learn on my one day a week

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He don’t care when I’m sick and don’t feel good

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Can’t be mines anyway

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I’m just sick as fuck swaying and nodding my head that shit straight abuse

Hate it or Love it

Coming up I was amused by the old world
My dad Italian and my mom a candy girl
A day to live and a dollar spent
My dad was always at work and if not probably doing my step mom in a pent
My moms kicked me out and they all like look how she did me
Bought the sheepskin coat on sale for 150
(She forgot I had a credit card)
But yeah back in my teens - I was stubborn - so I really did have it hard
I did have this mint green bike that I liked
But yeah we did move to db when I was locked in psych and I don’t know what happened to my bike
I robbed my ex and got 12 dimes when I was 15
It seem I’m much meaner sober then dirty especially if people acting iffy
The ac? That got me back
I refused the car my mom bought me
Cause I rather share with her and get her back her money
Win win is how we supposed to see
But then again look how old friends disposed of me
Disowning me…
I can’t call it I really can’t or why they framed me the enemy

Secrets disease, lies spit with ease
Souls rot, mines not
Slave to white in my skin
Please don’t tell me these just the racists creeping in
Team? who for what?
Nobody care about a nut
He don’t care he don’t believe me
Even after what was felt he chose to leave me… too
Ice cold again
It’s been so long since I had a real friend
Can’t remember his names wife…
The one in power the white guy who trife?
Cold as fuck… I know how she got there
And I know all about a blank stare
I’m not scared to die - it got to be better
Cause I really didn’t do shit I regret
And didn’t base my life off who gonna sweat her
Trust… LOL
Trust that they’ll bust when you not
And trust even an insecure man could handle a thot
Posing triangle when they not
Yeah I see you like to pose a lot
Not writing so good these days
Not feeling right at all back in old ways
Mold me to what?
Come judge me as a friend
A killer?
A psycho?
I’m just filled up with lipo
But know more then I forgot
And I ain’t a prophet
just man enough to stop it
Self sacrafice - that’s something I just can’t do
At least not for you
A good heart… but they don’t realize it don’t bleed on command for you

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Airing out again…

I like it, just came back on the site to peep around came across this , I love the line "cold as fuck I know how she got there & I know all about a blank stare" makes me think of the whole world right now looking at me with a cold blank stare.

https://youtu.be/4A1HfyixhuE

Eminem is literally the cliche of “anything you can do, I can do better” … evidentially in any genre LoL

So… it’s been a while since I blogged but I went on a new antidepressant that was supposed to help me lose weight too… and it totally spun me almost all the way down again… 2 weeks of sleep to recover. THEN I find out it was prescribed off label and it’s really for migraines… idk how I feel about that since I was getting a head ache every day and already have minor atrophy from all the breaks.

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Include me in my treatment, keep me informed, let me be part of the process in getting back to health like real drs do… you know?

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Yeah… I need to add the hash tag to my ig when I post about mental health #imstillinhere meaning my body…

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Cause a majority treat you like less of a person… and you still are and remember yourself… prolly makes no sense

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To you all… but it’s like watching you lose yourself and your holding on for yourself and changing and going thru so much and the level of disrespect or mockery or not feeling like yourself and you know you don’t deserve it and

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And you want to scream… it’s still me! I’m still in here…

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Back to the underground shit when they talk about selling your soul… all I wanted since I was 15 was a baby. Sir… there is nothing on this entire world you can give me now… too late

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My bf thinks social media is going to be my downfall… and I pray not. It’s just therapeutic… laws need to change… I need to be able to support myself and pay back my mama… and NO

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I’m not going to stop even when I’m finally heard!

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Talking to my my bestie today… she fighting cancer and been kicking cancers ass over 10 years… she a fighter. She said we both fighting unfair fights… we used to have fun though. MAD fun!!! We are going to lunch next month and I’m going to buy her a paint ball gun for therapy too (too long of a story to type again but it’s on my IG

A_Disciple

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NOPE MY BAD it’s

AD_rapbattles

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My old high school bestie*

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Nah my body not for rent either and I’m tired of them disrespecting it and me too

https://youtu.be/mTix47_W430

This song first time I heard it (not on show but YouTube, brought me to tears)

Pain still bleeds…
The secrets that were stolen - sacred
The days that he waited patiently
25 years
I’m easy - so easy to break
And I know I prolly can’t take this for him
So they tease me temping fate
Not lost… abandoned
Not one person welcomed me at their gate

Really I’m jaded by the most of it all
It get easier with time
I wasn’t ever playing a game, just saying
Less fouls should’ve benched them
But yeah and nah - we ain’t some type of henchmen


I listen how he would pass the days
And we talk about our letters
Who knew God and Allah just have their ways
And yeah sometimes , I agree , I did know better
Armor… shitt… that shit don’t even faze me
But he home and the fog lifting now even though it still kinda hazy


Honor -
When I was drilling lines i was in the field with mines

Pride -
I saw them try to make it look so ugly

Principle -
I wasn’t in their circle to begin with and they never even asked…
SO really they can die, don’t care, can’t lie and they need to ask themselves why

Pretend… I had plenty pretend
And I didn’t have not one that defended me and I wish I saw sooner
That insanity can be so lunar
And all that other shit? Just rumors


Feeling guilty… the best they was, was the worse we ever be
And it ain’t up to me to make them see
Sorry but I’m not sorry
I just wanna be free…
And I know in my heart they have no right to hold or do this to me

You all go back and read your shit too… right?

You’re Mines Still

Premature computer lit
Now I can’t remember shit
It’s been a minute since I went to the pen and the pad
Something id use only when mad
But lucky for something I never had
I miss my dad

Baby…
He never answered when I needed him the most
But was always there when it was time to toast
And to most…
Saying he not my friend if we ain’t dating
And you took that to all levels of degrading
And I feel you I guess I know the key
To be free
Then look what you said how quick you would’ve left me
Makes me wonder if it’s cause it’s trash you see
Anyways…
He called me a bitch, I fell out crying cause no one ever treated me like that before
I’m not lying…
He held my hand while I was crying for 2 hours
No one really knew what I was going thru
And I still don’t know what it was for
But nah you don’t understand the outside war
I had no one but now you believe them more
But for you I would close the door…
But he was special to me
Even made me a bracelet of the rosary
Listened as a fumbled with these tongues and the bitch they be
So in a way to say he treated me bad
It was more like therapy
Nah… not sorry
But truly what you giving me?
Guilt tripping plenty
You know my every move
Why we got to send all types of evidence to prove
And do you really want to lose?
Last time I looked it wasn’t me…
Last night you couldn’t sleep
And the rest we talk about cause this shit so deep