Hello!Mr President

Nice Flow , I Liked It

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Originally Posted by .Nique.

You have over 3 pages and you want me to reply? Lol. Anyway, this was a cool piece. Mad long, yet nevertheless it was cool and kept my interest for the most part. In all honesty, I felt the stanzas in itallics more than I did the other stanzas for a reason I can't tell you. Maybe you told the story a lot better in those stanzas. They were more devoloped, you were more progressive with the storyline, and more descriptive. In your other stanzas, it was like you were too descriptive... to a point where your story seems like it's lagging, but you have your mechanics down very well for a 16 year old. Out of all your pieces, this is your best one yet. I like your ability to change up with your styles. I can also do that, but these days I don't like to for numerous reasons. Anyway, I enjoyed this piece. and the ending was sort of a twist, but not really. Cool shit man.

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thanks it's really appreciated, I asked you to feed because I really respect your opinion.

thanks to all the rest too

this was very good. the topic was iight. kinda similar to some other drops i've seen before. but i got to say that was one of the best ones. it had creativity and great imagery. some great deal of emotion. good rhymes and good flow. structure was nice too. vocab was good and overall this was a very good peice. my favorite part was:

Reloading my 9x19 mm Luger, the Kahr is my confidant
Out here in the blistering frost, I don’t need to hide it
I’m alone, my foe, does not know where to go
For I am the greatest gunman alive, I quickly load
My double action pistol, is all I need in this battle
Rattled, my enemy, are strapped up like a saddle
I have but one, trusted gun, I discharge a round
With a thud, and a pound, my target falls to the ground
The wind whispers quietly, it is time for me to relocate
So quickly I break, while the soldiers pause in disarray
The thick stockade of their head quarters, becomes clear
devoid of fear, I slither near, and hear, a booming cheer

i liked that. it had good vocab and imagery .

good peice. keep it up.

Not much to say but that this was an awesome piece. By far my favorite piece from you, and you tried a new style and executed it very well, while I was loving the imagery and the sophisticated rhyme scheme. Very awesome with the vocabulary also, great knowledge towards the weapons, and I just liked everything about it. Just the sheer opinion you put in here.

Nomination worthy.

I only nominate about one or two pieces a month, and this is one of my choices.

Well first off elevation is evident in this peice, more so than anything else I've read fro you. On that note, give yourself a hand, you deserve it. Now getting back to business, as mentioned by nique, your development here is lacking, not a whole bunch but it does affect the well versed reader. Not so much as makign us want to stop, but wondering why cetian parts are done much better as opposed to others, as suggested by nique inyour feed. I feel that you need to spend time on developing your storylines now, you have the basics down as far as technical components are concered, so now it;s time to polish up your writing. Your storyline needs more attention and your discretion along with diction can be tighted up slightly. On your way, but you have some obsticles ahead of you yet. I think this peice is a good reference point in terms of how we gauge/measure your progression. I will look back at what you have done since this, and if you are not consistant with your drops, this will always be a good spot to come back too. better, but I know you have more to offer, so keep at it..

wow. really good peice. the title grabbed my attention and actually got me into reading but moving on, the vocabulary, i would have to say was my favorite part, it flowed through the entire thing smoothly, it didnt grow choppy at parts, it just seemed constantly... unchoppy. Lrrofghfghdfh. You know what i mean. I thought the "body" part of it was a bit hard to read yet smothered, yes, smothered, in extreme depth and complexity, which obviously, is quite difficult to pull off. good work keep writing.

thanks for the feedback,it really is appreciated

upping,one last time.

40 replies is the limit my friend, congrats. Shut for the right reasons.