A re read… you guys do that too? Go back and read your old stuff to remind you?
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A re read… you guys do that too? Go back and read your old stuff to remind you?
50 cent was my fave out the gate… especially cause of this insanity shit. One time during psychosis it felt like I was walking thru heaven only it was all grey and peoples was walking like zombies holding signs for 100 years of peace. So when his show came out and he chained them all together I fell out laughing cause it took me back to the psychosis and I could laugh about it in a healthy way and it made me feel better.
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Then the album cover “before I self destruct” is how I felt on another psychosis of head burn off day
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DMX implied you straight in lyrics if your head burn off but to be honest I haven’t seen straight in a while
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Bonus track 187… I had a very similar experience too
Nobody
I’m so weak I can’t speak
I’m so sick it even has me thinking I might need the hospital a bit
He asked me to turn around 2x and I couldn’t do it
And at that point I really didn’t even care if I blew it
Like I’ll make the choice for you…
Cause I know I need him but I don’t wanna be that bitch
The one who sacrifices her heart and can’t trust her own stitch
They tied me down, pushed me around, did under handing shit to force a submit
I rather die…
That’s why
I walk with my head down now but you think it’s cause I was some type of whore… like wow
And I never took into consideration all the things I couldn’t see
Or how they joke I may be late but always on time
Oh wait… that was C
Lol like O M G that’s so funny
But truth be told ain’t nobody was out here protecting me
And I can’t do this again
And I can’t think of my words for a 2 faced friend
Or I knew they Uncle Sam maybe… damn… son… huh?
Huh baby
Cause that scream was more then a tantrum
Or I’m just some blair witch… fun!!!
And I don’t know what to think
It’s like every time I say a prayer the opposite come true
And the way they all was acting I’m just like I couldn’t do that to you
Maybe if it was my reflection looking back
I’d understand a reason for the attack
I guess it hurts so bad because I thought I was finally anointed
But I will come second to no one and lost him when she just considered him a point… huh?
It feels like the rules different for me then it is for someone else
Like they really don’t understand the handicap behind mental health
So pain brings sorrow and what you think torture sells?
While he was living in cells…
I was out living where reeper dwells
Either way it was still hell
why did your original account get banned? Can't imagine you did anything that bad haha.
In my feelings today :0(
Lmfao… they said I was trolling but I was out my mind for 5 weeks
Go play hero during kiss’ inferno cause… I got my angel now
Dweebs
Doing
What
Everyone
Else
Brings
But then they accuse me of plagerizing cause I write back to songs!!! I can’t call it
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It’s the first thing I thought of… but to be honest when I was writing I felt a slip and went to stable so that was like one of the first time I got thru it so I trusted it. But I definitely didn’t get to stable any other round. My man out… I’m standing back up finally. I didn’t expect we be together but I trust it and I never had any kids to live for… so when in your heart when they say you live or die for something I’m thinking it really just might be for my words (besides my family)
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“You can’t see the devil he see thru”
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I hear them say I’m smart as hell… I’m not smart as hell… I can’t even copy and paste anymore and forgot one of me old friends name and we was mad cool mad long. Like… I’m still in here yeah… but do you know how frustrating it is when it’s hard to think about simple basic shit?
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And I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m not… I’m to a point and stage that I’m starting to get angry about it now
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I want to be separated from the mentally I’ll people that blow shit up cause that’s not fair either
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But I am to the point that the next person that tries to break fly or crack a joke is getting punched in the face
Old Lady Blue
Dear old lady blue
It’s been a while since I talked to you
In the beginning when you started testing me
I didn’t have the courage when you was screaming help to look and see
I know you didn’t think I could make it thru
But I also know you didn’t expect me to turn my back to you
Or maybe you did I don’t know
All these years later how you watch me grow?
The final straw… look at the poor old soul
That’s what you see and say… too bad
And that’s what’s real sad
Well what if it happened to you
Then what would you do
So elite for so long you just swear somebody want it too
Yeah you were at the end of my bed when I was scream crying
But where were you when they were all lying cause like…
It’s hard without both and I always wanted to make God proud
But surprises aren’t allowed
I’m not going to say either direction is easy but I want to lay my head where I fit and belong
But if I call that heaven or hell then I’d be wrong
I’m not scared anymore mam
Did I waste a round of my life and have to do it again
Cause like I never even was the one or the type and never ever betrayed a friend
I thought what you give out is supposed to come back around
And that god is supposed to protect my body - where is he?
Cause they still tapping sick shit but he nowhere to be found
So that’s it… you just going to let them?
Nobody asked me permission, gave me a choice or even explained shit to me
I mean I’m still trying to figure out how I got a rep of being some type of pussy
And like…
I’d say get back in the fields cause you forgot
I’m a die in the trenches with my soldiers cause I don’t be faking what I am when I’m not
Yeah thank you… I really learned a lot
I bet you feel I shouldn’t be such a snot
But maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if from day one you gave me a fair shot
But nah… you were mad I took too long when you was screaming help in my parking lot
Where were you when I was begging for help…
Exactly
And no help was what I got
But you better then to be testing me? At least I helped you even if it took 10 minutes to work up the courage to look. I was only 16 the first time I met you… time will tell a story and dead up I’m disappointed by your actions and point of view… at least I helped you!
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So I believe that’s our point too…
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An Angel… I call her old lady blue cause when I was 16 there was a lady screaming help in my parking lot and I was scared as fuck to look when I looked she had her foot stuck under neath the back tire of a blue car. So I move the car and she was all mad and sped off…
This shit deep…
https://youtu.be/GO6SiBBrFzY
Trust
In my license pic… I was wearing a sports bra - I didn’t even wear sports bras to the gym. I know what I wore (not that) but idk how or who or why they did that… and when your walking and worse and begging and screaming for someone to make them stop and they don’t or even worse to have your own father say or think I’m facing my own demons and such. When they tap pretending to be love then hit on sick… and to be honest… that extra passion shit make me sick and feel fake to begin with… I don’t even want it. My bf mad at me and he had some good points and I have to stop defending my ex but tricks need to stop fucking with his head and vision too… between him and my day 2 - I’m in the middle. But cause that prick shit tonight I have to cut ties to day 2 a second because he won’t stop playing games effing with my man and his head - text me in emergency only please
On another note he don’t believe me that not everyone gets a choice and I’m not talking about my ex situation I’m talking in general and want to know why and how mine got taken from me. I can and never will or understand or respect the people who tortured and terrorized me and refused to help or make them stop under any circumstance what so ever! On site… 4 real
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The first time someone called me a bitch like that I cried for 2 hours and he Had to hold my had… this time I started throwing up with nothing coming out… got a lot on my mind right now
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Hand*
I'd say more than just 5 weeks but word.. must've really been wilding out lmao.
Can someone get this write back to Jay Z for me? LoL jk but I wish…
Nah I wasn’t even there for 5 weeks don’t remember shit but I was crazy for like 2.5 years after
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Maybe more… I’m still touching back down to reality
https://youtu.be/CvBfHwUxHIk
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And then read song cry…
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Like… why my man want me ice again? Is that what he’s doing?
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I want to protest… I might protest… let me think a second
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I’m a take my ass to sleep but yo…
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My bestie that I never fucked with lived and worked in a hotel - that’s why my shots were there
The Rose
I know he love me, but maybe not enough
And when he left I called his bluff
And like we suposed to be bigging each other up
And right now… fuck it
I’ll do anything to keep him safe
But tell me for real if it’s me he fittin to replace
I don’t want the ups and downs we need therapy
Cause the video “I love my baby” by busta is all i can see
When I’m angry… and like
I promise I won’t ice pick you and I know you won’t sleep me
But somethings going on…
Because it feels like my baby no longer keeps me
I’m gonna try to sleep
Alone, crying, silently screaming if I weep
Cause my soul is cut deep
Again…
And I don’t have one friend
And I don’t know what’s going on with my man
But I’m not strong enough right now to make that stand
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If he love you he won’t make you cry
Or cause I love him I didn’t tell him one lie
Is that what made me weaker again?
I look so stupid again… I think he lost respect cause I didn’t leave him even though I had no “proof”
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Well I have proof in how he talking to and treating me now and everyone saying he pussy whipped didn’t help
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Went for an MRI… I already know they don’t have to tell me but I can’t wait to slam it on the judges desk
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He used to care when I cried and now he’s so cold and like… wow… for real… trusted and fucked up again or just pushed him away with this coke
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It take me a long time to process shit
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He doing shit on purpose and acting like he not like saying he had to take a call at 4:42pm today
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Other shit too and like he right I can’t get down with it or forgive it
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I’m not going to say he took a gamble and loss cause I ain’t got shit
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I always go back when I’m sad…
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It toughens me up
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The fact that he can even bring me to breaking point is dead wrong and he been doing it strong all week and I don’t want to talk shit to down him but if he loved me the way I need to be loved he wouldn’t be capable
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My ex… the one I ain’t gone back to or with in like almost 20 years. He got a problem with him… said I wasn’t defending him
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That I was letting him poke at him. I stopped speaking to my ex who I was close to ever since we did break up but backed up to respect my bf
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But I’m a stay backed off
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My bf say cause he say he treat me like shit but yo my ex never made me snap to the point I start hitting myself… just typing this out helping me to make sense of it all and such
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School going ok but it’s hard to go and stay lately… feel like the girls who don’t like me there cause I am weird and mad socially awkward since the 2014/2015 break
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No kids, a small ass family that distance drives more than anything and like… I really do look like such the asshole making my mom support me like no one believes me when I say I wish I could support myself again
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I hate to feel sorry for myself and I’m not doing that… but I always seem to back track or fuck shit up. I’m worried about my bf who I don’t know what to call now… but he ain’t worried about me
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I cried like 5x this week… today I snapped cause I’m tired of being this adult child. If it wasn’t my mom saying no to gas money then it was my boss on my ass tracking my calls
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I hate when people try to control me… or take my power
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I have everything I need but this… what am I complaining for? Who think I like this? You can buy me 10 outfits and I still will wear the same 2 shirts especially when I don’t feel well. Living like this isn’t the life IM FUCKING MISERABLE but everyone time I try to stand on my own here come I don’t even know who ever and yes I’m going down again
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They win… everytime… why do I even try?
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I don’t want to be supported I want to support myself again
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I don’t like to be manipulated and to be honest sometimes I get scared I’m a ice pick somebody when I find out what’s really going on
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I’m not going to suffer because someone just won’t get it… and yeah I’ll be the asshole that just don’t fit in anywhere. But like… you knew EVERY FUCKING MOVE I MADE and still turned around and treated me like this
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I didn’t want to feel again
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I trusted and did and like…
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Worried about him and the weird shit and praying he be ok
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How can I still have a heart for people that hurt me? Cause sometimes in life the stakes are way higher then that superficial shit
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But believe me… my heart been cut plenty off - only no one will make them stop, get off me, or listen
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They hit me there today when I was on the phone with him
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Idk who either but it’s not funny
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My house getting pranked and like who fucking with whose head for real… grow up
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They have no rite and he won’t get them off of me anyhow. So how you know all this and that but don’t know that
We made up… the feeling of peace and comfort is so strong I have to trust
https://youtu.be/1lC-_JzfSak
Yeah I’m a just drink this one out
https://youtu.be/k0efk3j0fpA
Nah I ain’t told him yet
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I wouldn’t ever go against my mother… she all that I have
Angel
I mean it’s just words to most
Trying to explain the expression and obsession when you lived most your life up against a ghost
A toast to the day - the same day you check the site and it’s you that they roast
But I wasn’t in it to boast, not in it to rep either coast, or to troll in my posts
Just like… one question though…
how much DID they gross?
I mean why they do it, what game do the play, and who is/was the host?
And what CAN I say?
Cause I don’t see a motive or how it all became my sense of shame
The all just lame… we are not the same
And nah I don’t need anyone to remember my name
Just to remember me the same
I don’t know…
This song really hit home and always put me in a zone…
Like sometimes I wonder if that comment was his about preferring to die all alone
All I could scream was keep your eyes open and he couldn’t
They wishing what you will when I know that you wouldn’t
Time goes by fast or by real slow but it’s something that no matter how much money you got…
You can never trade or own
That’s one to grow on too but wait homie… we supposed to be already grown
And I don’t know about you… but
I just still respect myself and I know I can’t turn to stone
Thinking hard on how many sides and theories I’ve shown
Even though I never really known what was up
While everyone else knew what I was facing
Or that one or this one making fun of me and my pacing
You know?
I always sang this part as:
“So tired of the street life and everywhere you turn there is vultures and feens at your back, stone keeps on twisting and you lie to make up for all that you lack… it don’t make no difference escaping one more time it’s easier to believe… it wasn’t the glory it was the sadness that brought me to my knees”
DEAD UP
I’m just begging you release me from the burden… Chris please
~ that’s what survivors remorse feel like
🎼 This might be the night… it might be the moment… but all them bitches just trying to own it… what I’m on loan? Shit… and it ain’t shit but you bout it and lit… a moment turns to something you can never take back… and then everything else gets knocked all off track. And it happen just like that… next time might be a lifetime but at least we get it all back. And that’s really what’s so tragic… when you look and the blood appear just like magic… I realized why I was on my own… and why I wasn’t included on his thrown… it was for something just unknown but lfeeling like it wasn’t even for one reason they all chose to throw stones… I know they follow a pack and don’t know what it’s like to be alone… but now someone wanna take that from me… like the nicer you be… it’s j just a sucker they see… nah I’ll be honest it’s cause I realized I AM crazy… and I’m not gonna pull it or lose our second chance cause someone just wanna fuck with me and my head.. Some days I rather be dead, some words I wish I never said, and sometimes I wish it was them instead. But me? At this very moment all I want is… loyalty signed, sealed and delivered ~143 🖤+
I think some of the weird is spells on top of nah they really drove me insane too though…
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And they ALL can’t stay over there on that side cause they ALL cut off except my family… and my bf is part of my family. What I can’t understand is how they have that rite and how he still can’t protect me from them and their type… like I say he was there from the beginning but he’s lying… I don’t remember him but the song he said I was playing over and over I never even liked - so why he lying?
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Saw a post of my fb flashing back to a memory using a word saying it’s my post that I didn’t even use cause I didn’t even know what it meant and stuff like that
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I as in first intial*
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So like the secret society everybody done been in but me cause he was in so I was alone… got woke up alone… got my az kicked on repeat
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And you all probably know I don’t even want to be like them or figure it out or be friends and cool or “forgive” or any of that either
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Yo all of them just running around fucking with a crazy girls head but they law too?!?!
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Cause idk how they fuck with my accounts and life like that if they’re not
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How is that even legal?
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https://youtu.be/Ysfz3-EOdmE
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I finally found my man I’m almost positive and I’m not trading him in for nothing but they even coming in between us again and I’m just like for what?
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Make them all go away
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If ANY of them were real friends… someone would’ve told me
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Fuck them, their religion, their secret society, their God, their families… all of them just BYE!!!! If I don’t talk to or fuck with you anymore I never will again
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My man think I’m playing games… I don’t have a clue about any games… and my life or life in general isn’t one to me
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Life is not a game to me… and never was
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I’m gonna try to sleep… if my fucking god will come back and protect me and my body so I can - that’s what it feels like… like people you can’t stand literally inside of and talking to you or at least trying to praying etc
If your family is intent on disrupting your happiness, then you need to reconsider what family means to you. You might think you are part of a family just based on the fact that you're included. But if you were really included, would your family hold you in contempt for the decisions you make, or would they respect you enough to be there for you in hindsight regardless the outcome of your decisions?
If your family doesn't accept your boyfriend, and you find that in and of itself as unacceptable, then ask yourself, why are you the one having to deal with their frustration when they don't even acknowledge your own? That isn't family. There is no support whatsoever, just you conforming to their wishes.
My family is small and I love my family and my mom loves my bf and knows the entire story. She has been taken care of me since I got sick and it weighs on me to support myself again. Sorry if I confused you but my family is very supportive
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Just distant… we do a family call on Sundays since my dad passed though…
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He’s bringing us back together I feel cause our family unit got FUCKED UP back then
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I wouldn’t make any bad decisions to jeopardize my family either though…
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@Wuxia where did you get or hear all that though?
Yo I almost forgot about this one…
Demons
Spite
Arrogance
Entitled
Coward
Those are the demons that slayed me
On top of twisted and sick
More disrespectful then when bigs kid said mommy get off his dick
My man said maybe money too
But I doubt that, just a bunch of shit they ran around and tried to undo
It only got worse for me though
And when I was doing good again
They come right back in
Again and again
Why do I have to live fighting them?
I’m not into secrets I’m not into lies
I’m not desperate to be accepted by you guys
Nah like bitch was crying like I’m sorry I love you but never spit it out
Oh boy like let’s switch computers like something else was up no doubt
But nobody say shit
And everyone have right to their business but not when it’s concerning me
And the only one that pays the repercussion of what they did and do is me and my family
What’s that? Vanity?
But nah cause now I’m really crazy
And that’s what’s up…
Fuck every last one of them
I say it again…
Fuck every last one of them I mean really what is the prize you trying to win cause like
He was never even there and she always just an infection
And nobody ever had good intentions
So like… I’m a try to get better if they leave my body I never gave away or even got the choice to say leave me alone
And this one or that one can have the damn throne
I guess it all will remain unknown
Cause they pussy and can’t even admit who they are or what they do
And I’m a stay being crazy cause that’s how mines left me too
I don’t wanna post if no one else is gonna…
🎤 no one was with me my first war… got many a signs that pointed me to outlaw… I still don’t really know how I got an Angel like pac for… but it reminds me what we once were… you weren’t that much into me… and that was plain to see… but if you wasn’t gonna be there and just play games maybe you should’ve let go of me, maybe you should’ve helped me see… maybe you should’ve believed less of the lies and more of what you seen. I mean you were just straight up mean. You didn’t even intervene. Just let me get my ass kicked cause you thought I deserved it, didn’t even do your homework and my voice not once you heard it, but yet that’s on your word - shit. And I got to curb it? And I got less for more nickel they ain’t earn one bit. But ok, let’s sit… me for her or him never happened, they played you like an instrument then chased me like a rabbit, while hiding their own habit, and yeah didn’t help not one quit. Legit. But I’m not gonna say that you aint shit… just fell victim due but wanna get mad at me cause I didn’t see their games too. If you don’t act like that you don’t think like that either. And I’m not into games and I’m not chosing neither. Why you even believed her? But look again it’s only me sitting here hurt saying never again. Never again will i trust a friend, never again will I depend or will I defend and never again will I send warning shots first… cause the only one looking out for me already in that hurse and for the curse? Well who know you started it, and who know who had a part in it… and who know what I don’t even care…. I just know who was and who wasn’t there and that’s where it’s hard to make a decision to the point I can’t even speak and just stare… maybe if I was made aware. And that’s where it’s not fair… all this shit behind my back all the people I never even met who attacked and I have to stay positive like the movement was mine. Nah… I just thought I was here to rhyme.
To: Lady in Red
You ever see a man with ice in his eyes
Yet so warm and inviting like the ice his disguise?
And when he walk it’s short and tight
But you wouldn’t know it’s cause he used to shackles though
But he got it perfected… right?
And when he try to show out - clumsy is the humble
But his return to grace from a slip is as slick like a hard return on a fumble
… I know I do it too
You ever found a man that’s just like you?
I can’t believe how he been gone for so long
But fit in so perfect like he always belonged
And he’s with me… but no he’s not all mine
But here’s 10 to say that maybe he will be over time
I love when he get so frustrated he cry
It reminds me why I promised him I’d never lie
And everyone staring nobody wanna push or ask
Yeah he 6’ 2 with an amazing back, chest , and ass
And the way he rock a hoodie - he still do it with class
I know, I know… I’m clear like glass
Asking myself again is love really finally here at last?
The cards seems to say so…
So I say we will make up for the past
When we are together it’s like nothing else matters in this world
And all I want to be his favorite girl
And I just want him to know you don’t always have to break the oyster to get to the pearl
And he’s with me… but no he’s not all mine
But here’s 10 to say that maybe he will be over time
“It’s just you and me… but I hardly know… this beauty by my side… I never will forget… the way you looked tonight”
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I’m throwing up drafts to perfect later - with copywrites and all I’m not throwing my beats up anymore
Over 15k hits… guys… am I ever gonna get an award under my name on here?
that was awesome, creative and clever, also smart. I liked the wordplay...
despite what people say about multisyllable rhyming, i think that would just make this rhyme sound worse, because if you were trying that it wouldn't sound or flow the same, honestly i think it would ruin the rhyme because you would be trying to be too complex and it wouldn't be the same... it would be a totally different story, so.... i think this was an awesome song how it is... this was rhymed well. cool shit.
The lyrics are good. Add more music to it.
https://petpawful.com/category/guides/
I wanted to write tonight 1) to be conductive after a fail and 2) to try to describe how it feels inside my body and why mental illness truly sucks because it’s so invisible to everyone else - especially when you been sick 20+ years and usually can handle most of the symptoms
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But how do I do that without giving my enemies the blue print on how to kick my ass and knock me down even harder
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I can not STAND when I don’t feel like myself… after vacation it’s been really hard to get back on my schedule and I have had to fight all week the dreads… the I don’t want to I have to’s (imagine everything you have to do not wanting to do down to even getting out of bed… but like Nike has the slogan “just do it” and it used to work but these days it truly isn’t enough I’ve lost the strength and motivation… and hanging by a string!
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(Btw I just literally scratched my own face by accident)
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But I refuse to address it…
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I didn’t go to school tonight and my bf is vexed
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I didn’t want to go to school last night either but forced myself. A classmate said to my teacher on the low that I was acting strange and I heard her… and yes I felt awkward and nervous being there. With my client I fumbled thru a hair cut and couldn’t get my groove back until about half way thru the blow dry. When I’m nervous and awkward like that I fidget and fumble and nobody wants to be looked at like the wack job
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Well as my bf gave me the speech and motivated me to go in… I opened the door and the memories of all my awkward moments at school and how I felt came flooding and I couldn’t breath a second and I just couldn’t sit there and have people talk or look at me funny again tonight
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I want to be 100 at school and my boyfriend is right… so if I feel off for an entire month am I gonna take an entire month off two
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I said no… but somewhere deep inside I started crying cause if I have to YES… BUT I WILL STILL FINISH EVEN IF THAT TAKES ME 6 YEARS TOO
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Crying hysterical right now praying for salvation… a cure… some understanding… and peace and comfort in my own body at all times again. I read self esteem and low self esteem comes from not achieving goals - exactly - so everytime I fuck up or get too sick to handle I try to do something positive or productive to make up for it. And also because my bf got mad at me for not going and doesn’t understand how impossible it really was to walk in tonight
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I’m not fighting as hard as I used to because I’ve been worn down over time… but every once in a while I get this fire to stand back up… and yo
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It’s not a pity party and I’m not feeling sorry for myself but my brother said the realest shit to me… he said he’s tired of watching me stand back up and burn it all down again. I’m not trying to and I’m not doing it on purpose though… there is NOTHING more I want and need in life more than stability and routine for real
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So to describe what it feels like in your own body… and that’s where I’m a feel stupid and awkward but let’s go… like your just some vehicle to ghosts, spirits, drs, and aliens… then add and your basic low life scum
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But I’ll get into that another day…
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PS my boss been checking every call I make literally for 2-3 weeks now… that pressure has manifested physically too and I think it’s why I’m so jittery
AND
My step dad left the main door open and my new puppy snuck out on my watch and I live off a main road. So I freaked out until I found him for like 10 minutes.
Yes… it takes that little to knock me out of commission the rest of the day. Mentally I’m exhausted and it’s probably why I lost my fight tonight to go to school despite how bad I mentally was feeling
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The fucked up part is I don’t feel better now being at home… I feel worse… cause I couldn’t do it. And hopefully that explains some of what it feels like to be mentally ill
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I don’t feel like scum… like my body some toy to low life scum*
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As I just blew myself a kiss… smmfh
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Not to ramble… but I was in private mental once and one of the guys there said they did an exorcism on him and I fell out laughing… cause he really did look like the image portrayed of Satan. Like me and my bf were talking about with him being locked up so long - to be honest or sucks but you still get your funny moments and good memories too
Them bitches? I used to joke and say at least a pill solve most my mental problems. Fuck them who even care anymore
https://youtu.be/LjlbE8DYbpw
Damn I wanted to belly dance again for a second
Am I traitor cause I’m east coast?
Amazing