Hello!Mr President

yea sure, I'll do it ASAP

Alright then, thank you for the time.

bump

Noice, it was really long, but it was pretty friggin good.. the flow started off a bit studdery, but came off real natural as you continued the piece, since you started using internals.. i liked that.. the only think is the internals should feel natural as well

I say my goodbyes, I dare not cry, so I look to the sky

for instance, that line, had 3 internals, and they were simple, and the syllable count came out fucked.. just try not and spew hundreds of multies a line.. good job though

thanks for the feed dude

Well Witness, I think you've written one of your better pieces here man.

I liked how you worked with and worked off of the picture. You painted a great picture with your imagery, and I actually had to read it twice because I liked it... and I tried to picture it another way to see if it was flexible at all.

The vocabulary was very precise. Nothing to mind boggling but you took everyday words and made them into very meaningful lines. Good work with that man.

Well, I have nothing really left to say other than good work. Keep up the writing. And hopefully we can make an om together here sometime man.

Pz.

- Whitey.

thanks for the feed dude

and I'd love to do a collab

Hope you didn't think I was going to forget about this piece.I read his yesterday and wow you suprised me big time.I don't mean this in a bad way,it can only be a good thing.The reason I was suprised is because it is such a step up from all your other pieces and in my opinion your best piece to date.It was fantastic.Really nice imagery and some good creativity.Your whole insight on the piece was magnificent.I loved how you wroe off the image,but I only love it because you did an excellent job of relating towards the image.Vocab again was good and as whiteout said not mind boggling but just enough was put into this piece.Darryl I read this with a big smile on my face as it is making me so happy to see you turn into a really good writer.Props to you my friend and as always I will be looking out for your other pieces.Thank you for the read

-Dyl

witness very dope piece from you for sure here i loved the whole feeling and atmosphere of it great imagrey with the whole gun seen i could feel the gun being let off that is always a good skill to make the reader more interested and you did that here props with the picutre also it tied the whole thing together very above average verse from you which is awesome as it shows you have elevated now you must take your skills from this piece and improve even more each means all your pieces must be at this level

Beaten and bruised, I’m being abused, but I sincerely refuse
To speak any news, that may make us lose, the jeers and boos

nice agressive use of the inner rhyme scheme props on this most people would have force this shit into to ground but you did it quite good stay up fammo makes me glad i made a good choice by brining someone like you into TNL

thank you both very much for the feed

it's appreciated

up.

Seven inches of ribbed barrel, with a tip of ice
Black wood grip panel, gold bead front sight
V-notch rear sight, it just doesn’t miss the target
‘please remove this firearm, from my face, sergeant’
He peers into my eyes, my once submissive trainee
Has lied, this foolish young man, has betrayed me
Generals, of our enemy, the animals, and the vandals
Used him to get to me, then blew us out like a candle
I will not speak, for I have been betrayed, it’s too late for me
But my men, may lead, our siege, and bring us to victory
I put up no mêlée, for my time has come, I am not frightened
Enlightened, for I know now, there is a meaning for fighting
^^
caught my eye from start to finish there which is a GREAT SIGN my dude!.
liked the metas and multies in there.

Reloading my 9x19 mm Luger, the Kahr is my confidant
Out here in the blistering frost, I don’t need to hide it
I’m alone, my foe, does not know where to go
For I am the greatest gunman alive, I quickly load
My double action pistol, is all I need in this battle
Rattled, my enemy, are strapped up like a saddle
I have but one, trusted gun, I discharge a round
With a thud, and a pound, my target falls to the ground
The wind whispers quietly, it is time for me to relocate
So quickly I break, while the soldiers pause in disarray
The thick stockade of their head quarters, becomes clear
devoid of fear, I slither near, and hear, a booming cheer

Shackled in manacles, beaten by animals, spat on and mocked.
Choc-a-block with thoughts, while my heart prepares to stop
Beaten and bruised, I’m being abused, but I sincerely refuse
To speak any news, that may make us lose, the jeers and boos
Do not affect me, I gently close my eyes, prepared for my demise
My mind is like a portal, back to the past, at home with my wife
My three children, and 3 course meals, ah yes, the good ol’ life
I reminisce, the times have been bliss, I hope that I’m missed
This life that I’ve lived, has been far from a gift, but I loved it
I’d give anything to say goodbye, but my time is nigh, I must die
So I lift my head, and glare into his eyes, revealing the lies
I say my goodbyes, I dare not cry, so I look to the sky

With a crash, and a flash of blood, I must have been sliced
I clatter through the window, and land right, in the spotlight
Realising my mistake, I lurch behind a nearby crate, and wait
A soldier, sneaks upon me, and with a bang, he meets his fate
I pick up his rifle, a Steyr AUG, reload the traditional classic
The sense of the weapon, and pin-point accuracy is fantastic
I take out three, then hide, I can not be exposed again
‘one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN!!’
I jump out, rifle in hand, a single shot directly between the eyes
A single cry, and the oppressor, falls on the floor and dies
‘Hello! Mr President, I’ve come to make your day, you’re safe’
I release him from the chains, and together we walk away
^^
from there on out i read with great well pleasure in enjoyment...i liked this piece very rich in emotion and very well written and choice of vocabulary my dude!. you had well chosen multies fit in a good spot and wel done metas that was executed my dude. me liking it is no surprise as seen ive liked all your work from you BY FAR..so woot to you my dude!

RTF on the last link in the sig caled picture perfect!

You have over 3 pages and you want me to reply? Lol. Anyway, this was a cool piece. Mad long, yet nevertheless it was cool and kept my interest for the most part. In all honesty, I felt the stanzas in itallics more than I did the other stanzas for a reason I can't tell you. Maybe you told the story a lot better in those stanzas. They were more devoloped, you were more progressive with the storyline, and more descriptive. In your other stanzas, it was like you were too descriptive... to a point where your story seems like it's lagging, but you have your mechanics down very well for a 16 year old. Out of all your pieces, this is your best one yet. I like your ability to change up with your styles. I can also do that, but these days I don't like to for numerous reasons. Anyway, I enjoyed this piece. and the ending was sort of a twist, but not really. Cool shit man.

Dope shit actually very interesting lol man I loved how you described the weapons im like dam he actually know what he/she talking about well good job you kept your flow and stayed on topic and was consistant with the imagery. dope pieace fam

lol tight shit... first four lines was murder... good drop