Poverty Noticed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cry

Street fights, late nights, trying to make a living the hard way
Worring about his life, dwelling on his concrete curb all day
It was tempting to comfert him, but my whim soon took over
Remembering back when, we believed luck came from clovers
I walked by, seeing he was hung over, and gave him a kind smile
He saw me and said "Hows it going, havent seen you in a while"
"Same here, things not goin to good for you eh?", I said nervous
He said suprisingly "I've never had a better home then this curb is"

^Loved that. It was so easy to read and although the actions of the statements seemed to be pointing toward excitement and suspense, it seemed to soothingly draw you into it. I loved that about this. You're writing seems to be while written and experienced. You have some faults, like your storyline was so abrupt with an ending. The kid just died.. There was no curve or twist to the storyline. This was nice and deep but you didn't throw in a twist. You need to work on your storytelling and add amazing concepts and things to this. Work less on the affirmative grammer and shit and more on individuality and originality. you deffinatly posess talent. Just unlock yourself and use it a little better. Love ya, pz.

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yea i agree that was real good, i thought it flowed perfect and it was good
by the way hop off my dick, Threatin me and shit u should bel ucky i even read this piece of shit

Hmm. I like how you copy and paste.. Thats called shit feed.
Oh well.
Uppin.

Uppin.

Wats Good With Ya Boi
I Read Yo Shit And Its Cool But Its Gets B0ring After Wards. But Good Job!!!!1

Shit feed.
Uppin.

Uppin.

Omg. Uppin.

Dat Shit Waz Real Deep Homie

Uppin.

yeah thats deep as hell...almost all the frees on this site are not deep and just talk shit...you gave insight, and worded it perfectly...shit like this is what should be in the hall of fame...

wow... not bad... so far the best ive seen 2day but ive only read 2 others... it was pretty deep, the topic was good, and the way you layed it out one could tell u had put alot o thought into it... the structure was good, vocab was alright... flow was well done except 4 a line here and there that didnt fit in... the only thing i didnt like that much in the peice was the rhymes, i didnt c ne multis and they were kinda plain and simplistic, but u went more on an emotion train of thoght on this peice and didnt worry about the rhymes that much and thats good 2... there were a couple lines in there where it almost seemed the only reason you rhymed is bcuz u had 2... you might wana revise a couple of them to make them sound more naturel... but besides that it was awesome keep it up

yo man i been lookin 4 sum1 2 do a collab with 2... if ya want hit me up in a PM...

~1~

Thanks for the feed, Nah, I dont really wanna collab.
Uppin.

Yo return the favor and peep the OM in my sig...
(The Song Of The Departed)

mayb it'll change ur mind about the collab ;)

oh my bad it didnt show up.... there's the sig