Bio..
I really liked the idea of using a true story, it just adds to the emotion and overall feeling of the verse itself. And the way you set it up was cool, almost like a book. Intro/Hook, background/Body, Conclusion. I liked the way how you talked about the topic, without directly talking about it. You painted us a picture of what you went through, and led the reader to believe that there was no way you'd go back to that relationship after what you went through, then the ending suprised me. AND, the ending was not only strong, it had alot of emotion in it, even though it was just one bar.
That was just a cool way of tying/summarizing the whole story up in one line. Only downfall I saw in this was wording/vocab.. some of your wordage didnt fit well together and it kinda stood out.. example:Quote:
I'll let you back cause my feelings over-rides my Mental.
^ "if you was"...That was the 'hood' slippin out ;)Quote:
If you was to come back just would be more pain
'If you were to come back, it would just cause more pain'
Se7eN..
Kinda weird how you used the same 'true story' approach.. just kinda a bitch move to copy him.. but, with that said....
Opener was strong, especially the first bar. You set the tone and made the reader wanna continue on and find out more about what limited information you told us in the intro.
Ok, first off, vocab was decent, you kept really strong imagery throughout and every line seemed to hit with nice emotion. But what was your biggest downfall and what lost this for you was the fact that you talked about more of what you two DID together, rather than stay on the topic. And, unlike Bio, you didnt really stay consistent, and what I mean by that, is the first 2 bars in the body read like intro bars. It just didnt belong there. Everything else, structure, flow, blah blah etc was perfect.
It was actually hard to pick a winner, but, Bio did get this win. It was kinda close though, both dropped nicely.
Vote.. Bio
Vote DQ for being on IJL roster - TR
