Poverty Noticed

wow... not bad... so far the best ive seen 2day but ive only read 2 others... it was pretty deep, the topic was good, and the way you layed it out one could tell u had put alot o thought into it... the structure was good, vocab was alright... flow was well done except 4 a line here and there that didnt fit in... the only thing i didnt like that much in the peice was the rhymes, i didnt c ne multis and they were kinda plain and simplistic, but u went more on an emotion train of thoght on this peice and didnt worry about the rhymes that much and thats good 2... there were a couple lines in there where it almost seemed the only reason you rhymed is bcuz u had 2... you might wana revise a couple of them to make them sound more naturel... but besides that it was awesome keep it up

yo man i been lookin 4 sum1 2 do a collab with 2... if ya want hit me up in a PM...

~1~

Thanks for the feed, Nah, I dont really wanna collab.
Uppin.

Yo return the favor and peep the OM in my sig...
(The Song Of The Departed)

mayb it'll change ur mind about the collab ;)

oh my bad it didnt show up.... there's the sig

Nope, didnt change it at all.
Uppin.

Uppin...Bitches...

I love the flow, the concept, and overall it was real good...keep writin i enjoy readin ya shit :)

check out my open mic and or poetic scripture thanx

Thanks Uppin.

He came to school, wearing nothing but ragimuffins
Always avioding vocal abuse, gets treated like nothing
You can find him in the corner, almost always embarressed
No money for lunch, in tramendous debt he confessed
Walking slowly to class, the man gets mugged by thugs
For no reason I guess, you see blood stains on the rug
Making failing grades, he doesnt play any sports at all
Abundently standing tall, but no tutor will awnser his call
But after what I saw, I think yall should know about it
He gets thrown around like a rag doll, he fell from one hit
The fatal blow from the fist, no reason, that visious kid
Battered.....Brusied.....Tattered and his poor nose adjusted
.
.
30 Years later, The story continues yet exactly the same
Except now it gets worse, he's introduced to the big game
Street fights, late nights, trying to make a living the hard way
Worring about his life, dwelling on his concrete curb all day
It was tempting to comfert him, but my whim soon took over
Remembering back when, we believed luck came from clovers
I walked by, seeing he was hung over, and gave him a kind smile
He saw me and said "Hows it going, havent seen you in a while"
"Same here, things not goin to good for you eh?", I said nervous
He said suprisingly "I've never had a better home then this curb is"
I knew his mind was blown, from inhaling drugs and alcohol....
Officially wasted, I told him not to move, or he might fall...
Then I went to get help, thinking the local shelter would be nice
So I began asking around, keeping him from ice and betting dice
.
.
I finally found a willing home, at least for the cold dredfull winter
Walking back to his curb, after I got him food at the health center
Happily I was almost there, then I heard an familure screaming voice
There he lay, dead, with blood every where, a knife was the choice
I then cried.... Despite not really knowing the man in such poverty
..I was the only one at the funeral, and I spoke words to thee.......
"God, why would you pull such a horrible moral uppon this man?"
"He was never angry, Is it my fault? Take me too if you can...."

TIGHT

Uppin.

This was good, i liked the flow and storyline, vocab in some parts was a lil simple but the whole thing managed to cover it, I liked how from a 2nd person perspective you went to a 1st person on the last verse.......It's good, keep it up

Can ya check this, thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=273649

A lot of the words didn't end up rhyming. Concept was fine, I guess. It's the one you chose, so I can't really say anything much. But it wasn't an eye grabber. The title, to me, suggests something way more serious and important than some kid in school. So... better word choice, more complexity in the lines, and you should be straight. I've definitely seen worse. Keep it up.

Uppin..

nice deep as hell niggah i was feelin this won right here. nice flow nice vocab errthing niggah keep doin what you do its comin off tight niggah. you aint knew to the game yo skills show that keep movin niggah

thanks.. Uppin.

Uppin.

Hall Of fame 4real
this was deep
i liked the way everything went 2gether good job homes

Thanks.. Uppin.

Ight, only a few more ups left in this peice.

uppin.

Uppin.

Last Upp.

it was good... you had good structure n good vocab. i expected a much more serious topic than a guy in school..(from what your title said) it was good, but it wasnt amazing. good peice tho. keep elevatin.

Ight.
It isnt about a guy in school, its about a guys life span, and how he was released to poverty at an early age, and how once you get into poverty, it keeps spreading.

W.e though..
This is my last up.

Wtf I've Seen This B4, on another Site. Im Gonna Find The Link. Will Edit In Later

O_O.................

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ~Skribble~

Wtf I've Seen This B4, on another Site. Im Gonna Find The Link. Will Edit In Later

---

I posted it on rapwords.com, dont believe me I can prove it. I made this up, I made a name on rapwords.com which is jonathon, and it says its just work I did from here.

Gosh, this is old. Why did you bring it back?

http://www.rapworlds.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61832

see. If it lets me post that thingy, there it is.

If its any where else, they bit off of me, because it took me 1 hour to write that, and it hurt my brain, so poo on all you haters.
Especailly that one that likes to free post and call me a biter.

Hey, dude. For me.. anything over 50 posts has had more than enough feedback so I'm gonna close this. Props, man. Good writing.

-Brix