^^thanx...i guess
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^^thanx...i guess
up
.............I was gonna leave this be.........then i got bored...and then i got bored..nanananananananana.........so i UP'D it neways :)
Man that was a good peice man really your structure was remarkable and you had a pretty dope concept and you took the advantage of dropping a dope verse the second one was the best
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June 1941 a year that stunned everyone was it genius or chilling news
a miliatary mastermind turning a country astray killing millions of jews
religion turnd against you by murderous ideas attacted on by all cost
brillaintly evil Adolf Hitler made ideas reality by creating the halocaust
taking away from society sweating out slavery that was wrong and sick
but think of the strong authority 1 possessd 2 make them go along with it
1865 slavery turns over abolished days over yet some feel hate with in um
races debate between'um,knowin slavery is ended only 2 create racism
all is not lost yet freakish ideas torment the world again this is evident
intentions were present when the presence of killers shot our presidents
devilish degrees snuck apon lincoln shot in silence life is what cost him
minds tossed this while kennedy told us to keep our heads, he lost his
wars created because of beliefs and unlawful acts that enemies attract
then enemies attact creating world wars,civil wars,to the war in iraq
Dope^^^^
I really liked that the whole thing was just................dope lol keep that up man for real keep elevatimg cause you can never stop and I'm gon try and do what you told me look out for more of my OM's coming soon..........................
Thank your for the feedback....and i def. will keep rizin up.........
......ill be around so ill definetly be checkin ur future work, and appreciate u takin my advice..hopefully it will work 4 ya...
THANK KEEP UPZ
sorry to freepost but why aren't you in a forumed crew???
lol....i was in Written Voices, (currently on alumni) just buddy of the crew cuz they kaotic theory went inactive 4 awhile..so i just got out, then got cought up with The Poets, and Hadez Paragon (probably gonna leave hadez), and ive been asked to join Pandoras Box (but not really feelin that)...other that never been askd by ne other forumd crews
you wanna start a crew called Gods Plan wit me...........
No disrespect, and i appreciate the offer, but 2 crews my limit....and after i drop hadez paragon (if i do...), Im goin back to written voices im sure!...very sry, THANX FOR THE OFFER..and if u do start that crew up very good luck, and the names dope!
Quite enjoyed this. I obviously dont have the knowledge you have to be able to write about these 'brilliant villians', but I get the basic idea. I was feeling the vocab you used, very descriptive. But Imma say that it was stretched (haha! take that lol) flow wasnt lacking for the most part but I feel the use of multi's every now and then would help.
Killer ideas are correctly worded; simply amazing thoughts made deadly
2day hearts heavy knowin killer ideas r alrready proving master'minds'...
....................are not empty
^ Like someone else said... I liked the way you ended it. Last stanza, or verse, was my fav. First was nice, second very full of facts almost like a history period. But anyway, very nice drop, keep writing.
lol, i hate the stretched comment.....just how i do! just how i do!...but yes i understand.
THANK YOU
Ok, so I had this instramental playing at the time of reading this and it seemed to fit so well... off subject but just thought I'd make mention of it.
The subject itself is something that completely intrigued me. Your vocabulary was very even throughout the flow of this. All of your rhymes seemed to hit on point but maybe in one or two cases... which really isn't bad at all. I loved how you actually incorporated the "real" world into the secound part. I dont understand the whole stretched thing so I dont understand what your talking about there... I'll do my research on that and get back to you lol... This was an awsome drop and should be nominated for something. *hints* ;)
*borrows topic and runs out*
^^thank you very much..and haha bout the borrowd topic..go ahead its coo
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and the stretchd lines thing i just rlly long lines...basically and if u dont add internals (internal rhyming)...it makes the rhymescheme very stretchd out and ppl dont like that cuz it takes away from flow, and also can fuck up a structure if u rlly stretch t hem out
Not to freepost or anything, but thanks for the explanation... :)
you was allright.... probrobly better then these half ass rappers on this web site, yo if any one wants a challege scream at me JEDi 1
http://www.YourFreeVideoiPods.com/index.php?ref=1671859
just go to that link and see for yourself, i know 5 people that have gotten a free 60 gig video ipod by doing this. All you need to do is complete a few offers or instead just get 8 friends to sign up, it's that easy.
http://www.YourFreeVideoiPods.com/index.php?ref=1671859
Blaaaaaaaaah at that structure lol. I loved the content man, very creative and flowing ideas and concepts but that long line structure really has to go. If you cut that up just a bit then the piece would be on a whole new level cuz the flow would be as dope as the actual piece. For example:
'June 1941 a year that stunned everyone was it genius or chilling news
a miliatary mastermind turning a country astray killing millions of jews'
And cut it up:
June 1941, everyone presumed stunned;
Was it new genius or a chilling sum of news?
Military masterminds changed the bloom
of country to ashtray by killing millions of jews.
Same content but now it flows better and it's more engadging to the reader. But overall I did like this piece and I feel like you're a writer with alot of potential... Just have to get your structure in order and on the same page as your content.
tight drop!
great concept, w/p, and extremely well written
obviously well thought out
would love to hear it on audio
-props-
This is a good foundation, you hit just about all the basic devices in a good write. You did a real good job conttent wise, and had a few dope lines, like the JFK missing his head line. The peice jsut needs some attention, from tightening up your scheme ot word choice, maybe some emotive projection. This was the best I read from you, but still has many reasons why it will not get an HoF nod. May get nom'd but not going to get in with things like atticus suggested. He made a real good point about fixing the thing up some. You had some word groups that just screamed novice, not a bad thing, but something that needs to be addressed. I though this was a creative take on a topic done many times. I enjoyed reading yout thoughts on the subject, and thought to myself a few times during the read... Damn, dude was getting there if only... he did... instead of this... if only... So you can see, there is room for improvement. My question is, why are you so set on making OM HoF? That is the best way to fail. never write for accolade, write for sanity! Trust me, I've had a life experience that few could match here. Write for you, not for HoF or legendz, that will hold you back. Forget about that recognition and just be real to yourself and it will reflect in your writing..
The last statement you made about writing for myself is something ive never thought of before.....I use to write straight from the heart..( i mean the content might have not been good...but it was all real....important to me), and where i come from...hiphop is in no way taking seriously (matter of fact the ONLY radio station that plays the music just went bankrupt!)...so when my friends found that writing is important to me..it was kinda a joke at first..so as i got better i went to impress them...and i guess it carried over into wanting to make a name 4 myself here aswell....and i can looking back to it all....writing was more emotive, and a "me" kinda thing...b4 all that..........and i liked that you emphasized atticus's reply cuz i have been trying to work on that structure and better my style..cuz i did get cought up with mass INTERNALS..ETC that stretchd my lines...and i liked it..but after e/thing this week talkin 2 u..and reading better pieces..i undestand what is wrong wiht it all...............AND its greatly appreciated and takin to mind that i was on the write track with this piece (cuz this piece was one that i put effort forth not only writing..but mentally/emotionally....
THANK YOU BOUNCE.....your feedback is more then appreciated!!!
yo dawg this was a great drop. you did ery thang right on this. great flow an emaculate vocab an you had history in it so you know it's real an you touched topics i ain't read on this site dawg. you had a great om overall. you had imagery in it an you spoke from ya hart. an if peeps are gonna hate cause the overstretched lines they can go to hell cause they don't know rap very well. but peace out dawg an can you check this out.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278878
You know what this reminds me of in a conceptual kind of way. Something I wrote a long time ago, I went with the same topic, but did it in a less direct approach. I used heavy metaphors to paint the same type of picture here. I couldn't think of what it was last night, but I remembered this morning. I supply you a link, and you can see where our ideas on such a subject tie. It's just that I have access to much more information that the majority of the population, so I wrote it from a classified type nature.
Governed by Shadows
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=141691
Notice how my long lines never were a factor in this peice making legendz. It's not so much having stretched lines being a problem, but when people say streached they usually mean forced content in the lines. Not to mention syllable count, most can not spit in audio upwards of 20 syllables a musical bar. This is where people question the line lenght of a peice, those who know my music, know I can pull off a bunch of syllable per bar, so when I write sometimes I'm going to have 20 syllables a bar.
I think this would be a good example of taking your ideas and writing them in a way that makes people think and feel your work on an intellectual level. I think I'm going to make you a project and work with you on elevating. It's up to you...
^^I would appreciate your help or in ur terms becoming a project of yours lol.....
....like i feel as though its there....i just have a hardtime expressing it in a topical form..so to speak
like twixn said in ss chat...i am much wiser in discussion then i am at writing...and that bothers me...so ur help would be great!