begining of a rap fo my girl and i need feedback!!!

Your shit was fly but only one thing. You gotta get ya flow on more. Once you do that ya ryhme will be blazin'.

thanks fo the feedback keep it comin^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

c'mon anymore at all

yeah man i would work on ya structure and scheme.....but the concept was good....deep..........Pz....

plz...
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...threadid=94951

you are writing this to your girl?
why don't you write her a song?
it is good though, at least that is what i think
7/10

that was too short but hey....u need some elevation..but it was allrite to read.........wasn't the best one i have read but it was good 6/10 Aiight Peace Out Kuz

aright to start off . . that's too short to be a song . . you're a newbie? right? don't worry . . we all wrote like that as newbies . . but what you should really do is extend your lines a little more . . you're lines is too short . . if you're planning to make this into a song . . have at least 3 verses and either a chorus or hook to go after each verse . . but you have to make it go with the title . . metaphors! use them! they'll do great in there . . shows that you have a creative mind . . comparisons! like a metaphor but using words like "as" and "like" . . those do a verse good as well . . what else you can do is try play wit words in your verse . . you know? wordplay . . what else? . . . hmm... . . . you can try to add a little complexity of vocabs but you don't want to do over do it . . it'll just make your drop boring . . i can't really think of anything else to write down except . . just keep writing . . and elevate . . good luck wit the next peice . . i'll see how much you've elevated . . get at me! peep my sig and return the favor mane! it'll be apreciated . . 1

yo dawg ive written some things for some females, and a piece of advice i can give is alot niggaz try to spit at females the same way..the same lines..and most grls have heard them over and over again, so when u writin do it as if it was the las thing u were gona say to ur grl jus express ur thoughts and feelins instead of what u think sounds gangsta u know what im sayin..jus b real and tell her how u feelin that should help u out some

im not trying to be mean...but dont give that to ya girl... well, do what u want... i wouldnt give it to mine.

Don't just say stuff man. It sounds like you're only trying to rhyme. Bring the song to life a little by like using some metaphors and adding a lil more length to the lines. Talk about her some too...what u like about her. It sounds like you're more worried about rhyming than tryin to catch the chicks heart. Just keep it up.

It sounds as if you just trying to rap because it's the thing now a days. Your song sounds more like a peom then a song. You had a funny way of going about rhyming. But when your trying to impress girls you need to sound more educated then that man. Rap aint all gangsta bullshit so you dont have to talk about doing a 187 on someones ass and shit. Thats not the type of shit you wanna say to your girl. Cause i highly doubt have the rappers in the world are gangsters so you dont have to try to be. Yours lines should be a little longer. But all n all it's ok i know how it is to be a rookie. Cause i still am one. keep droppin

yo playa....you make the lines longer you got something there... at first i thought it was the o.j. simpson story, that could be a good angle but im feeling the words