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Dam nice piece Iloved your ryhme scheme you deffinently elevated since the last time I read your piece's, The story line was consistant I didn't feel as if you lacked or lost sight in some places, your vocabulary and imagery was a bit over the top at times, emotion in this was pretty on point It was diffrent from what im used to reading from you, this was a well though out piece and will love to see more from you.
I guess I was the only person who wasn't so big on this, I have seen you write much better and this just looked to simple in my eyes, the topic was pretty played and you didn't do anything to creative with it, it flowed pretty well but some parts seemed rush and just through off the vibe of the piece, not your best or even close but decent. Just honest feed here, hit the sig and keep up.
Still appreciated...
edit
props for a cool drop !
i like the way you took this, w/ the rhyme scheme ,
to flow it, and word choices, fits in well ,..
tho u can make it flawless w/ a lil sharpening up w/ the scheme..
and where u place in the rhyme to correspond w/ the following line
but that is nothing to stress about since, it did not do really any major harm
to this piece....
nice w/p , lines were witty , fun to read , ..
this was cute:
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
all in all this was a very good read, props again :2thumb:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325329
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Hm.
Your choice of picture at the end was twisted. That comic is supposed to be funny-but it really just isn't. It's just pure misogyny in animation...and the fact that we're supposed to laugh at it is even more fucked. I wonder if the person who drew it knows.
The strongest point of your piece was the contrast it provided to the picture chosen-you really emphasized the non-funny side. It seemed to exemplify the way guys tend to think women over-react when in actuality we know how fucked up we act.
Engivale explained your main technical issue thoroughly-keep it in mind next time your write.
When you choose to use descriptions like Pinocchio it kind of gives a whole slew of childlike images...and if you don't explore them, sometimes is just seems like you're just kidding around. Takes away from the serious message. At the same time, if you were to explore the Pinocchio idea, it might highlight some of the childish aspects of this guy's actions.
Maybe, also, you could use the situation to deal with a larger issue-marital issues on a societal level as related to individual situations?
Good work though, I enjoyed the read. Just trying to give you things to consider for next time :2thumb:
Thanks...
*Apllause*
Wow Forum, You Still have It, Vocab. Was Very Good, And Exillerating, And It Was Quite Enjoyable, Such As your Flow Was On Point, And Also, The Middle Gave Some More Energy to your piece. Overall, Dope topic, dope vocab, Dope everything. So Keep up The Good Work, And Keep Showing These cats, how to do an Open Mic. Nice Piece.
-..IllthoughtZ..
appreciated.....
This fucking piece was dope, and... I laughed my ass of when I seen the picture at the end.. Your very talented, bro. Your pieces always catch an eye, and one day you'll see bigger things in life..... I really dont have much to quote, cause the picture does it for us. This piece was just fucking amazing. I'm sorry I didnt hit this up sooner. I actually just caught on to the whole "dots on the envelopes" are ones I already posted to, so that really helps me out... Its pure dopeness (this piece), very good job. I plan on reading more from you soon, so start writing. -laughs-
Very good piece man very creative shit that picture at the end made it a bit more of a comic/morbid feel to it like mave said because it goes in very deep. The word usage was very fresh and the rhyme scheme and flow tyed it up perfectly it seemed to all fit well. Never read much of your stuff but i will really look for more of it props man
Thankx..to all...I have taken...all..in...and RTF'd to all...appreciate the feed...fore my elevation is happening...
I love tha emotion and depth which was delivered semi as multis it was mad creative keep up tha good work playa
Personally, i enjoyed this piece from the beginning to the end. I read and thought about the concept that was trying to get across. I think you executed the wordplay and usage of vocabulary. being a rookie myself i try to read pieces of yours and others to motivate me to become what i am now. This piece was right on point and conducted it self smoothly through human lips real talk. Overall great and ill check up on ya other pieces as well. -1-