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Uppin to Awaken U sleepers
Lmao for those exact rhymes being in one of my pieces over a year ago! lol just different text around them lol.. good to see that.. cuz the piece where i had that was where i first noticed me 2 change from a noob writer to a decent writer..Quote:
it know lays limp beside todays society,i feel such anxiety
ethnic sobriety,beacuase no one gives a fuck about propreity
Truth... decent writing on this one.. i remember when u first joined u were all noob and shit, and i havent read ur shit since, but mayb a month in a half later, i can tell you elevated alot.. you still have a long way to go but it's a start... your verse displayed a great elevation in vocabulary, and you had very nice descriptive words in it.. multis and rhymes were dece, coulda been better... i saw some good internals in there which was nice to see... the flow was one of your major issues.. but that takes a long time of mastering, and only the best heads on this site rarely achieve it, so that'll take some work... you need to work on your structure, but im not one to harp on that... and the final thing i noticed that your work lacked was metaphoricle speach, you have to use more of that in the future.. kinda simplistic content which also falls because of the lack of metaphorical speech.. all in all dece work and keep elevating
Forum... dece work also.. nothing specail.. but yet.. it wasnt horrible at all. you had some good multis and rhymes in there that i really noticed... the structure and flow was alright, coulda been a bit better... the last 2 lines i think were pretty good.. it had a good impact on the piece in my opinion.. you need to work on your vocab and using more descriptive and metaphorical speech to really elevate your work and show off more intelligence and sophistication.. also it would add on the lack of imagry you had in the piece..
all in all for the both of you.. good work.. Forum if u could hit the link in my sig it would be great... Truth has already.. good work kids and keep up the writing.. i see potential in the future.
Thankx! BUMP.
I don't sag mine saggin backwards spells niggas but whose asking
^^ wtf @ that line? It fucked the whole verse up..
anyways, you both did decent, not good, but barely decent. Truth, basicly, you need to lay off the vocabulary and bring some life to your part. I mean, when I was reading it, it felt like I was looking up words in the dictonary than reading something enjoyable.
No one wants to do that.
Other guy, you had a good verse, but what the hell? you were SOO off topic it wasnt even funny. The picture discribes poverty, hunger, pain, not sagging pants or schools. From what it looks like, its in africa, maybe you should write as if you were in africa, they're too damn poor to make schools, so discribe that. They CANT sag because they dont have pants. c'mon man, you could have done nice, just stay on topic.
anyways, keep writing, and check my piece if you can.
pz
Truth
truth you had some really good multis and imagery going for you, some spelling errors detracted from the piece a little, the main weakness was a lot of your bars werent related to the ones before or after it or internally coherent:
"it know lays limp beside todays society,i feel such anxiety, ethnic sobriety,beacuase no one gives a fuck about propreity"
i feel like you were so focused on the multis that your piece got kindof fragmented and hard to follow thematically
Forum
u kept more to the theme and had a pretty solid flow but nothing none of your imagery struck me as really fresh, also your vocab looked a little basic after truth
the sagging line was pretty original-i liked that
good job both of you, and try to help each other elevate in the weak spots
hit up the OM in my sig if you get a chance
both were dope...keep this shit up
w00t
BUMP
Hello Feeders ! Awaken and leave feed
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Feed would be appreciated
bumpage...just haven't seen it in a while and noticed how dope it was...and this was before my elevation....WOW!..Truth and I are dope...
lmao we were so young
"but god still hasn't awnsered,
but with disease my sister has aids my mother cancer"
Badly written, don't start 2 consecutive lines with the same word, let alone "but".
Other then that the piece was nicely written, kind of veered off topic a little imo, but still nice.