Looking At You

thank you thank you.....

wow loosing someone is always hard...exspecially to get over...because theres no coming back, very strong emotion in this which to me is the most important without emotion the reader can't relate to the piece, the imagery was pretty decent, afew spelling errors but nothing major, and not at all a played concept, this was a really solid drop keep at it holmes

thank you thank you my dude!.

Bonjour, adios, esta gupa'.....til we meet again
not in a kind spirit will we talk nor will we be forever agian friends.
Layed attached with the scene of avengance
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
My eye's close slowly, my vision not only a blur but dark
I died with a trickle of tears descending, you left i fell apart.

these were my favorite lines, good OM clisk, this some good shit yo....u had nice internals and vocab. everything was fit and wording was pretty good yo. u were creative and ur imagery was good man. keep working at this...

thank you thank you there will be a part 2.

Impressive flow and vocab to say the very latest man, a well thought of topic that got the drop on 90% of the open mics I've read on this site.

its always good to see peices with a poetry vibe too it, good enjoyable read right here and I'd recommend this O.M to anybody who enjoys readin them. good job dog, keep it poppin..

thanks dude....stay active and popping!...

So farewell to the dwellings of the feelings inside
Farewell to the relationship we faked in guessing each others life

The bar above stuck out to me the most, it seems that you took an everyday situation and made it something more. You had a few spelling errors, but eh, those are always correctable. This OM sparks mental paint, on the real, I enjoyed reading it, short but sweet.

thank you.

BUMP!

ok, so the whole storyline was pretty much predictable all the way down, it seemed kind've like i knew what would happen really. i couldn't get too into it because of rereading shit so much. you had grammatical errors a lot in the beginning and middle of the piece. and at the end you had the word ..Neglectness? i don't think that's a word. lol, anyways.. i really reccommend doing your shit on a word processor (microsoft word) so that you can catch your mistakes. like the way you word shit here, the word betray should've said betrayal. you do good with your storylines most of the time, you're pretty original, but the wording just kills you. i suggest not worrying TOO much about multies but fit them in as well as possible, without ruining your wording. just be patient and dont rush things, which is what this piece felt like, rushed. you've done better to be quite honest, but this piece and its feedback will help you to progress and get better. keep dropping man ..

- Nash

thanks for the feed ..it was appreciated.

thanks cry much appreciated.

Hrmm... I liked certain pieces of this... At times it seemed kind of convoluted and distorted though. Certain parts were out of chronological order.. (That whole, pulse without a wrist, thoughts without a brain... That was in referance to being a spirit right?) Your wording was off quite a bit too...

The good stuff. You have a knack for putting your feelings onto the page.. I like that. And some of your metaphores were pretty kickin. I love metaphore, and if they had pussies.. I would fuck them missionary position style. Keep working on those, they're definately crowd pleasers.

Last of all... Don't give this to the girl you wrote it about, lol..

Peace.

^^
thanks man.....lol at the meta part!.....yea i love to put my emotino on the paper with metaphors.

appreciate your time given to me for feed.
thanks!

A nice peice,

I felt the wording was nice. The flow was smooth and all. The creativty was pretty well done. Structre was nice. The story was a great addition to this peice. Made it very nice and you've did some great detailing. The Imagenary left pictures running in my head. I liked this peice man. Keep writing.

~Blind.

thanks for the feed people!..appreciate it deeply!