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Pakaveli? You're Leaving!?!? *Runs and crys* howcome u never told me about that? :mad:.. w/e i'll talk 2 u in another thread about that...
But neways this was by far my faveroite piece i have ever read from you my man... The emotion just stood out so boldly... it actually left me awestruck.. and the descriptiveness in your verses was outstanding... i absolutely loved this piece.. and i'm sitting here thinking: "Give Pak some sort of constructive critisizm to help him elevate" but it's hard because this piece was almost flawless... but no1 is perfect, so i imagine there is some things you could tune up on, but none that i could pinpoint... and even if i could pinpoint the flaws, they'd b so minor that it'd b almost a slap in the face to adress them, because you should really be celebrating this piece and you should honestly b proud of yourself for this one...
as KT said.. you've nailed this one... good work man keep it up.
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Wow...thanks man i appreciate that and all the positivity...don't any of y'all let my leaving make you sympathise if you see a fault tell me.
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trust me it wasnt that.. this was a good piece that's all.. and i didnt see any flaws in it..
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If you need someone to fault you, it's always me.
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I won't do it here. I agree that this was a pretty damn good piece. I really liked it, it started a little different than I'm used to seeing from you, but you, as usual, did a couple of different styles and stories and kept it going. I think you've really presented a good piece, however, I have seen very little improvement on your ability to shorten your lines to carry your message. The longer lines you tend to use just dont translate as well to lyric writing, or song writing, but you're not shortening your lines. I think maybe it just will take time because you're still writing pretty good stuff and a lot of people like it, so keep at it.
I'm just a big proponent of shorter lines to promote rhyme schemes and ideas. Using less words to tell your story shows very capable writing, because you take a complex thought and actively summarize it with as few words as possible to really tell your message effectively. Lyric writing is like Cliff's Notes. =D
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don't worry shorter writing pieces will coe out soon lol, but i'm keeping sentences for these style of pieces.
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This was a very excellent piece, the whole thing was put together great and i can tell you put some time into this. The storyline was great, it kept me reading and it also had good vocab. The part of this piece i liked would have to be "Hello Mr.Jennings" it seemed as you expressed this part the best, enough imagery to get people to see in there mind wats going on and e nough description for us to stay on track while reading, keep it up Pak, your doin great man.
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thanks man, i appreciate that.
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I for one thought that your writing technique was incredibly odd, there were more than a few points where your flow all but lost me. However, the shrewdness you used in each individual line created a quite candid and vivid picture of your characters apparent snobbish and arrogant demeanor; which in turn really proved to be a very effective tool in the overall scheme of things. The story’s moral was executed efficiently, though I do think your transition between events could have been a little more detailed, but then again I’m probably just nitpicking for the sake of criticism. There’s really nothing wrong with this piece at all, though your approach was a little different from what I’m used to see on here, however the result was quite expected of what I’m use to seeing from you – Dopeness!
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lol this was dope..
i'll edit in feed when i can, i hope i don't forget tho.
but yeah u gotta link me to the other parts of the series.
peace
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no doubt.....i'll make other pieces later on this is first of the sseries.
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Ok, I thought this was dope. Good job. You were always on the edge between a good read and dope, but with this you jumped over the line, so to speak. Interesting approach here, and I see where you are going with this. So far, you got things down, a bit more attention on meter and detail.. should make for a nice series. YOU came across as more in control in this drop here, voice was stonger to me. Good job on a dope peice, keep it up now...
