I believe i have checkd all linkages.
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I believe i have checkd all linkages.
Up for the day while i wither away
the flow and deepness first cuaght me here...=
Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
Toasted to the long life of strife he won praise by Illuminati
Calumniated bodies seep shadows over the master’s body
They entered the housed syrup of life, bloody blood bleeds
No one heeds so they create cadavers to cover their deeds
The sun soaked sands bear witness to the bloody hands
That carried a lost burden of scorning stature via the lands
spart from bloody blod. i thought the word bloddy could be replaced to avoid over wordiness.................
flow went off a bit.for the next few lines..............
then.=
Without force, “Love thy neighbour”, “Love thy enemies”
The quotes subsided from his mind, accused of blasphemies
Through pain and torment shalt he be rewarded due praise
Onuses of chores were lifted ashore by guards to his grave
was illy f'sho
yeah Isiah is deep............
and
So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids
was illy
as was=
You must love me” blares out the speakers & intoxicates
Enemies love the euphoria and miraculously the mood placates
all in all. nicely put together. seems you branching out concept - wise. while still merging some of your more inner - faith type knowledge into thew deal
yeah the joint was nice. i say just try work on not over - wording certain line / bars/ sentences. .. over - wordiness can maybe lose clarity in its being so.
pz
edit.
btw if you could check thi it would be apreciated. coz no else can SEE it. its an invisible OM. ha
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305206
Ayo Slip i appreciate your point of view and Vortex thanks for the opinion but the linkage you gave been closed by brix na mean
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pakaveli
yeah i know. fuck it. ha.
i got plenty more on the board when you get round to it
bump
Yo I couldnt understand the frist few lines of the frist part lol.....But i read them over and got it it was pretty nice the endin of it was better thoe it had intence vocab man lol
The second part was my fav better flow then the frist n just a overall better verse
I cant reallly live critism for your pieces thoe cause u are 69 times the Topical cat i am
I dunno overall dope piece
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cliff.Hanger
Bleh at that, we all good lol...anyway i appreciate the coments.
i thought this was gonna be shorter, replying so i remember to later.
man nice ass shit here..its deep and I thinkk Pac should consider getting cloned just so there can be more of him to go around...nice job dog!
really liked those lines....very good man...not many things wrong with this...alot of multies that really helped out the flow...which was very good and stayed up for the whole drop...alot of creativty and work put into thisdrop i can see...the topic was very orignal..i really liked this drop..could u leave feed on my others if u have timeQuote:
Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
Droplets drip and mix with the sweat of the shell
Swarms of soldiers loudly soliloquise their thoughts
Saliva tinged with the last supper spit as rings the bell
A scenario of haunts, a match of crosses over noughts
The heavens still theirs 7 skies & look upon the world
Trying to answer, “Where have you hurled us lord?”
Steps step over other steps previously planted by Ghosts
Spirits rose from their sea dwellings, the serpent toasts
^^
a Very nice opener and a very eye popping expierence cus all the somehwat feelings you put in it...
“Moses had said not to worship any idol, but I worship one”
The lines sung by children singing a hymn touched pop song
Madonna rocks & rolls, she waltz while crucified in fame
“You must love me” blares out the speakers & intoxicates
Enemies love the euphoria and miraculously the mood placates
So she sings whilst crucified & their faith dances like a flame
No need for resurrection the audience devours Madonna’s pain
The satirical scenario, Madonna sacrifices a few moments for gain
^^
nice closer as well finished well....STRONG.
OPINION
in this piece you executed well in effort and time and emotion putting alot of feelings and more of a metaphoricall touch to it than usual but you in doing so i may have to say like split FORCED a little..it felt like you crammed all the info and lines you thought of too much and it pressured you and it felt like you just threw it in all in a rush kind of thing. dont get me wrong this was a nice nice drop but i felt you forced in a way somelines that should have just went a little basic than trying hard enough to get it to be complexed..ya feel?!...but this was a nice drop i may have to say man. i liked the pleasure of reading it and would like to see more drop slike this jut more EXPAND'D in defining details on feelings and emotino sand wordings.
RTF. on the 3 links in my sig.
Preciate the comments Omega, but i really didn't try to make the words over complex with high vocab...maybe they just ended up like that ..=/....But yeah i've checkd up 2 of the links and will get the 3rd later on.
yea no worries man...it just felt like that thats all it kinda like was a smart kid tryna talk to a dumb muthafucka conversatino type.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Omega.
No Problem G lol...i'll tone down next time na mean...who knows when i'm gonna write next, as i only write on things that cath my attention now.
Favorite Lines:
The tunnelling light hued red with a tinged retro maroon
The sun soaked swimmers tanned their flesh on top the dune
Lustful morale supported the sported game of beach volleyball
Fall and rise was the way to stall the eyes and attract the cat call
She moved she moved, moved in a way to sway the man so gay
Glad not proud so to him she seemed incipient in the worldly play
To scare away the lingering eyes he converted and claimed devotion
Notion of freewill nonexistent, he as a priest supported commotion
So he walked away with a “Brother” who wore his hair in braids
An impulse resulted in a tragedy of rotting flesh aided by aids
Feed:
Alot of thinkin wen into this OM, great read man, you got to the point butb you needed just alittke more details in some areas, but overall, you dud great, this is a eyebrow raiser to me, really caught my attention, it kept me wanting to read all of it, i loved the middle of it, nice job..
RTF:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305556
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...60#post4854160