I liked your overall concept and approach, but the actual execution of the piece just didn't come off as I set it up to be in my head. Alot of the lines should have been broken off sooner to add emphasis to certain words and phrases, and you should have gotten either more descriptive or come with a more creative idea for how to present the elements of sin so that that entire section wouldn't have come off as a list. Also certain had too much description, which took away from the piece conectivity. In lines like:
as I reached
for a napkin of needles Gluttony
stared in approval right back at
me.
The should have had a cama after needles, and that should have been cut right there as one line to let the metaphor sink in with the reader even more, giving more power where it should be put. So, ya, nice concept, you've just got some wording and format issues that could be tightened up a bit to strengthen the piece.
When you get the time...
Black-Sheep Abacus [Act Ø: Scene XII]
