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nice piece, as we all know the concept is a played, but it's a dope one so i have no problem with that, i felt this piece, it seems like youve had experience reading this, you have prolly been writing longer than most of the kids on rb, so that shows you ability, i'll keep peepin your shit, so keep postin some up, well done drop, peace.
nominated for HoF :)
Thank you guys....2 HoF nominations...wow
This was good man. Emotion was felt fully. I think you could work on your rhyme scheme some. It was a little basic here. But other than that it was good. Vocabulary was good as well as your flow. Structure was good and the ending was much felt. Good work on a whole me. Keep writing.
This was a rather smooth read, kind of basic in terms of imagery and language and story line. Emotion did not stand out as much as people are saying here, so I'm kind of wondering were all that came from. Nice peotic structure and feel to it, I used to use that format back inthe day, helps keep things transitioning well. I enjoyed the read, but it was rather simplistic and I do not see this in our OM HoF archive, not by a long shot. Everything in this peice has been done before and better, compared to soem of the forced and awkward OM;s in here as of late, I can see how people like this. Not HoF worthy though, not close in my eyes. I thought you story line was rather shallow, and could have been better developed, but was touching so that helped. I felt that the peice lacked in imagery, solid pictures were nto being painted, but beyond all that you did manage to pull off a good read. I would suggest looking into a more gripping edge of your seat storyline and better crafted rhyme scheme, as they were all soft in my honest opinion. good, but not HoF...
Thanks for sharing your work and we encourage you to take advantage of our forum here and look forward to watching your growth as a writer.
Omega u idiot... Picture Perfect is still what we're doing in WV dont do another 1!!!
Neways Old Man... I told you b4 when u tried out i dont kno text very well nemore and i didnt really kno how to judge it, but one thing i do kno how to judge is topicals, and this my friend, was outstanding. although the topic is a little played, i like the twist that you set on it, it gave it an original element and made it more enjoyable... The structure and flow was on point and consistent throughout the piece... i enjoyed the rhyme scheme alot, it was unique and interesting. one thing you do need to work on is your multis because i saw few in this piece... Vocabulary was outstanding, it added on to the imagry and emotion of the piece and was very intelligent... one other thing you seemed to be lacking at the beginning was emotion, but by the end of the piece i could sense the strength of your emotion... try to keep it more consistent throughout..
definately a good job here, possibly HoF worthy, but now i kno how good u r so if u still want in the reunion tell me...
if you have the time leave feed on one of the OMs in my sig. thanks
~1~
yea wassup OAP dude. nice write.... poetic enjambment was executed well. concept was uhm. like war. a bit meh in substance but handled well here. flow / rythym was TOO tite........ execution or words and grammar was mensa standards..
wordplay was loopy.......... imagery was ridiculous.......... appears like a poem but if u follow the run ons properly it flow real rap . so yeah i got it like that.........
outstanding lines=
Dog tags flailing, along with arms and bodies bloody
See we can always fight our eyes out, does it help?
CLICK....ROLL....BOOM...a grenade takes our buddies
last few lines i lost the flow wa touch. maybe coz there was a difference in the rhymes. or i lost where the rhymes where. but still saw rythym was ther tho
nice imaginitive joint
hit this joint up. if n when u got time
My Psychic Ability. feat Pakaveli
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303797
Thanks men...I will get at your pieces shortly