coolio i'll do that.
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coolio i'll do that.
yeah f'sho nice intro. dope layout. PO.
vocab was interesting to see. . aliteration use was SIC. gave the flow mad bounce!...
had sum tite rythyms and many flows was coming thru STRONG .yeah expressive to the point.. yeah i see u was fukkin with sum internal rhymes here and there. could of been a touch mo titer on where the inners was landing i reckon. but yeah imagery was crystal and this piece dropped well and poetic f'sho. the end line was ok but could of ended on a touch more creative tone in a sense. i dunno something kind of made the end seem basic in rhymes and also in thought compared with the rest of the piece.
pz1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vortex
Preciate iti had to somehow connect the end with the image and that was all i felt then but yeah there is something missing, thee wordding or something is awkard in the end...good to see you saw it...Vortex i want ya in Written Voices.
Sexy drop pak my man sexy drop... I liked the topic, it wasnt played, but still it wasnt very original either. but you did really well on this topic... in my opinion this wasnt your best performance ever but it still was outstanding in my eyes... i would really have liked 2 see a bit more length to it so you could get really in depth and create a better story line and imagry.. but for the length that you have used, it was outstanding in the imagry category... Your vocabulary was sophisticated as usual and you had nice descriptive words in there... The structure and flow was on point like always... youre rhymes and multis were good, but not the best i have ever seen from you, but i am always left awestruck whenever i see your original and clever rhymescheme... metaphors and wordplay were very good in this piece, and you put many clever tricks to it.. the only thing i think you could have improved on in this specific piece was the emotion.. in my opinion it seemed to lack emotion, and this topic could have been so deep if you wanted it to be..
all in all good drop though.. keep it up man and hit me up with a topic 2 collab on... i wanna work on my "abstract" writing.
It was cool. I like the fact you know these difficult words. Just dont become obsessed with difficult words cause it sometimes doesnt sound right like in ya first verse. Ya vocab was good but att parts seemed like u overdid it. Nice story line and topic was nice. The imagery was there but Id like to see some more emotion and improvisation on ya flow.
coolio, preciate the pointers......Ta2 i checked your verse for colab, it was good.
Preciate all the coments and no moer dogs need to comment now as i have understood the main flaws of this piece thanks to the pointers of the readers and responders. Thanks you all once again....time for this piece to rest.
"wording"...?.. yeah its a matter of minorityQuote:
Originally Posted by Pakaveli
Eyes were closed but then they opened them, to see the look of a man who’s dead
could easily become...
Eyes closed, but then they opened-up seeing the look of a man laying dead
because who’s deadmakes it a question in properly executed grammer, like who's dead?
.note i also made a couple other slight changes. ha
so lay dead, or something similar will also add a slight imagery effect. We can now picture this man laying dead, instaed of thinking... is he dead?
peace