Scorch, Burn!

thanks again.

Alright, dude, first off.. nice invention with the story line! It was different.. but it didn't hold up all the way through the piece. The explanation to the whole scenario was just too vague. I'm not nit picking for detail, I just wanna be informed when I'm reading. You are getting decent with the rhming though, with your internals gaining bits of flow here and there - keep at your internals and make sure they connect with your overall rhyme - all that really hindered your piece, and something that you'll notice yourself, is that you had bad word choice, just to make it to rhyme. "The fire went sour..", just an example of how "sour" killed that line.. make it grip the reader aswell as rhyming. Anyways apart from me babbling, this was worth the read my man. Keep doing waht you do, & sorry for taking so long with the reply.

-Brix.

If you get time, hit the battle in my sig'.. Thanks.

Nash, nicely done here man, i see you've elevated from back in the day, which is really good 2 c... i liked the topic, no wait i loved the topic... it was very original and emotional... the way your thoughtfully told the tale of this topic was outstanding, and the picture to go along with ur words was perfectly chosen... Structure on the piece was a little all over the place at certain points, but it flowed nicely so that's all that really matters in my opinion... the wordplay and metaphors were outstanding, and went along with your story very well. the vocab was top notch and very intelligent, but i noticed you repeted a few words here and there in your piece... try to avoid doing that if possible... i liked the deep emotion that you put into the piece, but with your deep emotion you lacked multis... it's hard 2 fit both of them in there but you have 2 try and do better on that... but considering that, the rhymes and the multis were very well done...

all in all outsanding work on this piece... if u could, leave feed on my OM "The Cookie Jar"

thanks and keep it up

~1~

this was gud ...but more on a poetry tip fa me...
that coz it was hard fa me to find a consistant way
to spit out loud...but in my head or speaking it
was real nice...i dont know if i felt the desperation
which i thought wud of been key to the storyline...
it was like a beautiful way of describing a fucked
up scenario...no doubt there are intentions in
ya scripts...which is ill...ya skillz hella evident...
keep doin whut you do man...peace

thanks for all the feed.