"As Seen on TV!"

Hmmm....WEll another thought provoking piece. It's good to see you Wrapping the true meaning of what your trying to say by using imagery. I haven't done that for a while and reading this piece makes me want to start using metas again. The starting was a little awkard as a rhymecheme was hastly disregarded but reading throughout showed more of a "Evil in Innocense" type of thing, na mean, like the hop scotch and then the torn limbs. It was very interesting. I liked the language it provided a good scaffold to this piece of art.
Overall, a very interesting and provacative piece, though only true poets will appreciate it. AS not all people look for/understand hidden imageries.

Ya, typically only people who've written poetry at one time or another can follow my flow aswell. If you read by punctuation rather than searching sentance fragment to sentance fragment for a difinitive rhyme scheme you wont find one. Just sit back and read by punctuation, it should all flow right off your tongue. Thanks for the feedback you two.

For all of you who thought it was weird you didn't read it right... this piece was difficult to comprehend in only the mind of an idiot... You clearly expressed that you know what you're doing and flawlessly showed off your skills in this piece... although i am not a big fan of the rhyme scheme u chose and the lack of multis, the flow was beautiful and the structure was exact. Although I am more of a fan for the longer bars, your short lines were quick and to the point.. the metaphores were wonderful in this piece, and the imagry was all strung out very nicely... i like the topic, never really seen one quite like it before, and that's saying alot because it's hard to get very original anymore... storytelling and plot was okay but i dont think it was one of those kinds of pieces... all in all a very nice piece... thanks for the feed on my OM and ima keep an eye out 4 more of ur shit..

PS-

Quote:

---

We are as seen on Tv screens
with green fatigues and battered
beliefs patterning preteen routines.

---

that was simply genious^

lol@me thinking that I was going to enter this thread and pick bits and pieces of my favorite parts to quote. How wrong was I?.... This entire post was a quotable from top to bottom. Absolutely flawless in my opinion - and I'm not the type of cat shine pipe, but seriously your the shit for this one, a big heep of fly invested monkey shit, covered in magets....smell me? You really ran a muck with this one...raw emotion, insane metaphores and the most random and unpredicable rhyme scheme I've seen in a while. All in all I'd have to say that this piece was not only one of the illest I've peeped in some time but also one of the most creative and refreshing political drops to date (IMO). Poetry at its rawest, hiphop at its finest, Myself!...Damn!

This wa nice kept at your point and it had flow. It was nasty when you turned the pace into a metaforical one and then back into a vocab part. It was fun to read and you just kept going at it and over again.


Favorite part was

After they amputate your decaying
limb it's time to skip into place.
Puddle jumping in blood until
medics intervene with morphine
quills to fill her up with samba's
while Hobbs Scotch kills her brain.



This part was very clever

The playground isn't safety proofed;
Razorblades replacing plastic hoops.
We are as seen on Tv screens
with green fatigues and battered
beliefs patterning preteen routines.
There are no monkeys, our arms
bleed from being strung on guerilla bars
and bloody scenes hung from media stars.

^^and a nice closer after a verse like that nice job.

Hit up my OM in my sig

Hey thanks for all the feedback, sorry I havent been around to get to those favors yet... I'll do my best to respond to those links by the end of the day.

Fuck, no more feedback?

*shakes head*

interesting... nice shyt.. well put together.. creative.. open mics should b like this... jus flowing to topics that get people into reading it.. good job keep it up.. check out my sig

Thanks for the feedback.

Bump...

Once again, your imagery through metaphors and descriptive language really stood out to me as always, you really do have a talent to bring words to life so vividly... then apart from that you pretty much suck. Joking lol... See i'm not line length-ist... so iw on't be meen about your line length :)... i thought the structure was actually really well put together... i disagree with niques comment of 'bad flow' kind of thing, because it was complex but i found it fairly easy of the tongue actually... as always very poetic, you know i love this... your vocabulary was used effectively, complex at times then simple in others, which you got a nice contrast with, the actual topic was actually really good, you always use your topics for a deeper message, sometimes this can be abnnoying about your work as i have to bother to read it REALLY slowly to grasp all the levels of the piece, but the poetic side of me really likes that. well done fucker.

This really reminded me of something easily found in slam poetry..from the rhyme scheme to the topic. It really drilled my brain but in the end, it turned out very thought provoking. Your imagery in this was excellent, especially getting near the end. Also your vocabulary was strong. I read this two times, the first time I was having trouble with your flow but after reading what you said to go by punctuation, I re-read it and had a much smoother read. This was overall a very strong and solid piece, and I look forward to seeing more from you. Keep writing..ONE!

Well this was a very original weird distinctive piece. It had alot of emotion in it also. Nice title, it was very original. Sometime's it will throw the reader off depending on the topic choosen but not this one in specific. You had some good vocab & metaphor's which lead this to a consistent read. Flow was also nice, pretty consistent. Overall nice piece.

Thanks for the feedback.