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Someone said Edgar Allen Poe? Yes very, there is this dark mood in the piece that gives the shadows a personality of evil. Overall I felt the description was topnotch in this piece and it spoke to me *Tear*. reminds me f those cold desolate days, with no energy to anyhting but with all the desire to do something. Very poetic piece and I felt it was very strong
RTF please.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294824
Wow dope imagery and creativity in this piece making it stand out much more than anything else also great structure even thought I had to look from side to side to find them and it was a great take on this topic and it was a good topic so I really respect you after reading this piece it's a unique and impressive drop and it looks a bit like HOF material keep it up man
All I can say is it was good. Damn good. I loved the feeling to it, the imagery.
The way you placed the tics made me think of a pendulum on a grandfather clock. I'm not quite sure I completely understand it but I like I said I think it's very good. Keep it up.
ahh apathy...
that was pretty good dog, i enjoyed reading it
Wow, i loved this. The concept was awesome man, the way you structured it made it unique, plus with the "tic tic tic" made it come to life. Actually invisage it in your mind, it was really clever bro. You had a good use of vocabulary, and the first two verses (if you can call them that) really stood out for me, maybe even more so the second one, i just loved the complexity yet at the same time its easy to get your head around you know. Throughout you had really good imagery and everything stood out too me, i read a few om's but not too many but this is definatly one of the better ones i've read. Real good piece of writing man.
Keep it up and link me to more of your work in the future.
DAMN....i haven't seen a drop this good in a long time, it had a very poetic feel to it, but you mix'd it up and gave it alot of of imagry, and emotion vocab was ok but shit everything else was on point, you used alotta poetic devices in this piece also im very impress good job homie keep it up
The flow of the poetic language was very good, i liked the imagery....description, metaphors etc were all very good and added up to make the piece seem more interesting. For a poem it's very good but it has a distinct flow, the words roll off the tounge without need to pause and go over, That was done very good, i Can see what you were trying to achieve with the structure but it kind looked a lil wild and bordered on making your OM look messy. But nontheless, a good poetic piece from you.
Would appreciate comments on this OM, "Swalloed and Gutted"
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294958
I really liked this,it is just so original and is refreshing to see this type of skill.I loved this peice...it was very nearly perfect I really enjoyed reading it,the imagery was fucking amazing,you have amazing description and you make the reader feel like a part of what he/she is reading. I loved your structure with all the ''tics'' in random places I actually think this really made your peice that little bit better, you have a shit load of ability and I'm now wondering why I have never seen any of your peices before.Oh well,I'll be sure to look out for them from now own,nice peice...props dude.
return the favour please man
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...77#post4528477
This was really a unique and kinda one of those abstract backpack kinda things. I like how you can turn something as boring as a still living room into something as enjoyable to read as this. Obviously imagery was the main thing in this but the way you set the mood effortletsly(cant spell) is somethig that most can't do. Good shit.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294978
Hit that^ one up and that would be appreciated....
Blah, I wish I had more time to feed this. But here goes...Quote:
The wall has held
almost all my awe.
It doesn't burn when
my eyes begin to fall
blinklessly along the wall
for hours, now tears
stay clear as all
the rims of vision
begin to blur along
an oblong peripheral.
I agree with Ledgenz, you ARE a knack for description, you have a very photgenic intellect. A lot of what you write inspires me to use more imagery and a better storyline and touch base with readers' minds. The stanza I quoted was the best stanza you had imo, because of the high amount of feeling and emotion, which can sometimes cause people to break down. Very unique, hit me up for a collab.
Me, you, and Ledgenz.
The blood's sent,
kissing my forehead.
^Nice, like the way you described blood rushing to your head.
Open every cabinet
at least three times,
I'm not even hungry
... Who'd a guessed?
^Lol I do that a lot too.
now tears
stay clear as all
the rims of vision
begin to blur along
an oblong peripheral.
^Dopeness...
Lost in the plume
of sickening hypochondria,
I erode in the dueling
shadows, of the living room.
^Sick ending..
Dope and poetic like always, Attycakes.
All I liked was the first verse. I think it really captured the moment. Real tight. But then I didn't like where you took the stroy. You could have opened up alot more than just closing so simply. I think the structure was tight, and your vocabulary usage was on point, all I the advice I can give is to really surprise the readers and make them wanna read on- keep the new ideas flowin' Upgrades man straight Upgrades, couple twists and turns shit will flow right.
Stay up.
PEacE.
Dope, Att'. I'm going bed but I will go more indepth on this.. brillianty written.
First address the flaws. They're minor, but whatever. All the tics weren't necessary at all. It just made your piece more drawn out then it actually needed to be. I didn't quite understand this until I read it the second time. I'm guessing that you are in a particular room and you're extremely bored, so you end up drifting off and become overly amazing my the smallest things around you. The imagery and wording was profound. Really feeling that part the most simply because they were so short, yet so concise. Your rhyming was simplistic, but it didn't overshadow the standouts in this piece. overall, good shit.
Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. Makeshyft, this didn't have a devoloped storyline or sequence of events due to the fact it was meant to create an atmosphere and a feeling... Aposed to just a story. Everyones had those days were you're locked in the house for hours on end doing absolutely nothing, and you just go out of your mind. Now, maybe you havent had that, but when I do, there's certainly no twists or turns and if there were then it wouldn't be a boring day would it? And Nique, I wanted it to feel drawn out... I was just using the 'tics' to slow everything to an almost irritating pace, just as the pace of one these days really does flow. But I really apreciate everyone taking the time to come in and read this.