thank you, uppin
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thank you, uppin
hmm a very mixed bag this one
some sections of really dope flow e.g.
One day..you may look at your self…..wealthy and fortunate
The next..a card board box on city street coordinates
some poorer flow e.g.
Your moment to shine or perhaps the moment of time
When you realize someone's just ruined your fuckin life
some nice thoughts but it was also a bit unfocused. I mean try to stay on topic a bit more, I know it was supposed to be abstract in places, but yeah...^
message wasn't bad overall
so yaeh not bad overall
thanx vas. yea i noticed after rereading this that i kinda rambled on off topic in a few lines.
What up man. Thought it was pretty good... like everyone else said.. more of a poem type because the flow wasnt consistant. The message was good though. Overall a decent piece.
maybe i should put this in poetic scriptures? but i dont see the point considering there's never any feedback given in there
I actually really liked this. Your other pieces although had nice elements to them, they lacked a general quality overall. I felt like before your pieces were just kind of there but had no life to them. This on the other hand, had all the elements and a magnificent sense of heart to it. I loved the way the flow of the words and the fluency of the content worked together rather than seperate parts like usual. Also I really loved how the content didnt make sense if you just read one line, you had to go 3 or 4 lines deep to achieve the overall content and message of the sentance. It was great, very nice poetic essance and a steady balance of vocab/basics. Just an all around great piece and I see you've elevated alot man. Stay up and keep writng man.
Oh... no, don't post this in PS because it's not a poem. Ever word and line flows off the tongue perfectly, wether some people can catch it or not. It belongs here.
thanx mayne, glad to see someone knows what their talkin about
ugh, my stomact hurts
uppin this again
^^^^WERDQuote:
Originally Posted by .....
This was alright, but you need to work on strengthening your content and your transition, especially if you're going to rhyme like that on a consistent basis. Trust me because I can do it. For example:
Only time will tell…..
How you’ll end up n whether you’ll get bucks
So when it’s almost up, the worst you can do it let up
I recommend you don’t test luck, let it come as it pleases
Shit, knowin MY luck, time’ll run out right as I need it
^^Read this, and read it well..take advantage of opportunities
^This transition was bad. It has to be fluid and consistent. If it isn't, it makes the flow stop and become abrupt..fucking me all up
Absorb the knowledge, grasp it or be in for a rude awakening
What does rude awakening rhyme with?
Hear what I speak as these words leak from my teeth
2 planes colliding with twin towers….less than 24 hours
A carton of milk turning sour…
This was awkward too.
Your imagery and substance is on point, but I felt you ended too abruptly and I didn't get a chance to grasp your concept. Work on maintaining your flow consistently throughout your piece. The first stanza was better than the second.
yea i know what you mean. some of it was a little forced because i was so focused on sticking to the rhyme scheme that i couldn't find the right word to get across what i was tryin to say. thanx btw
^^Quote:
Originally Posted by Anov L. Idea
Word man this had very great imagery that kept me reading on and the emotion was on point exact man!.
nice shit. and nice vocabulary along with multies that were used to add a lil twist!.
RTF on eighter piece oin my sig
CENTERED EMOTIONS
or
SHADED GREY
^yea I feel you I used to do it all the time, but DON'T sacrifice your content for your flow. It'll water down your message and you're stuck with an average piece with great flow.