Originally Posted by ill...
well this was a nice piece,I enjoyed reading it and I think you have improved very well since you first started dropping Open Mics, However, being a perfectionist there are certain parts of this that you could fix, for a start you structure was plain,too plain. you need to add more multies in, and you need to change your rhyme scheme,simply rhyming at the end of every line, without internal rhymes is not very impressive to a more experienced writer,you need to work on that a lot. you also need to shorten your lines, I feel that they are a little bit stretched in places,I was kind of straining to get to the end of every line lol. Your vocab was very good, it has impressed me a lot here, you have increased your vocab a shit load from when you frist started writing OMs.Your imagery was very good I could feel and see what was going on,which is a very important part of any peice.....I liked the description but I think it could also have been a bit better in places,your wording was alright,it was not too good but not too bad either,you have a lot of talent and I hope to see more work from you soon.keep at it homie.
