The Rich Man and The Poor Man

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May 1st, 2006, 10:27 PM
detremental.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MISTA GRIM

wel well

I liked this. You had a sorta played topic but put your own spin on it..nice.

I like your emotions, but you could improve on imagery and vocab.
Other than those two areas your good to go.

~Grim

please check my new OM-in darkness sphere.

thanx for the feedback. uppin for more. I'll work on vocab and imagery in my next piece.
May 1st, 2006, 10:59 PM
KªL¡

Iight, this wasn't a bad piece, imagery was fair, I feel there could have been a more complex, metaphorical use in the overall piece. This i think is the first OM ive read from you, and this is good. Just keep in mind wording attracts the reader. Though it was written form your pov 'Point of View', it still has the ability to be written better. Internals are there, and your on point with your thoughts, but i feel your theoretical approach was kinda off. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary, just to point that out for you, another thing is Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary, it's highly superfluous. in certain instances, The passive voice is to be avoided. but this is not in any form to be bad feedback homie, take this as some really-good honest feedback/ criticism... I like your style, and would like to see you progress with your writing in topicals/poetry/w/e... since your retired text, lol... anyway ohmie a good drop, look forward to reading more, keep it up, pz
May 2nd, 2006, 02:52 PM
detremental.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NyKali

Iight, this wasn't a bad piece, imagery was fair, I feel there could have been a more complex, metaphorical use in the overall piece. This i think is the first OM ive read from you, and this is good. Just keep in mind wording attracts the reader. Though it was written form your pov 'Point of View', it still has the ability to be written better. Internals are there, and your on point with your thoughts, but i feel your theoretical approach was kinda off. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary, just to point that out for you, another thing is Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary, it's highly superfluous. in certain instances, The passive voice is to be avoided. but this is not in any form to be bad feedback homie, take this as some really-good honest feedback/ criticism... I like your style, and would like to see you progress with your writing in topicals/poetry/w/e... since your retired text, lol... anyway ohmie a good drop, look forward to reading more, keep it up, pz

thanx for the feedback Nyk. I still have some things to work on. Everybody can be better. uppin for a little more.
May 2nd, 2006, 03:02 PM
P. Mortuus

This was quite good, i liked the whole set up of the piece. Description was good also and the vocab was aight. However, technically this isn't as good e.g. there were certain flwas in speech and style that downgraded this a lil and also i had slight problems with the flow. But i firmly believe this to be a "good" OM form you and i reckon you can only go up from here....nice work, kepp it up

check this if ya got time
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290086
May 2nd, 2006, 03:13 PM
detremental.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pakaveli

This was quite good, i liked the whole set up of the piece. Description was good also and the vocab was aight. However, technically this isn't as good e.g. there were certain flwas in speech and style that downgraded this a lil and also i had slight problems with the flow. But i firmly believe this to be a "good" OM form you and i reckon you can only go up from here....nice work, kepp it up

check this if ya got time
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290086

Thanx. that's all I need. I will elevate and drop another soon. thanx to everyone for the feedback.
May 12th, 2006, 10:16 PM
~El Gallo Negro~

this piece was ok to good i felt u lack consistency i liked the topic but felt it was a bit played but u put a good spin on it......... seemed strected but flow was nearly on point so thats a plus vocab was par.......overall enjoyable read
May 12th, 2006, 10:26 PM
Phoenix~Bound

i dont know what i remember more about your rhymes... the rhyme, or you uppin for feedback

just playin man thats some deep ish right there
May 12th, 2006, 10:42 PM
detremental.

This piece is old as shit. lol. I didn't know people was leavin feed on it.

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