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Okay.. lol, where to start.
Decent peice, nothing great, umm.. your rhyme scheme was to fuckin' simple, and the vocabulary was easy. but to get down on the real stuff.. your story line was bogus at some parts. you said that your mother is depressed, stressed, tearing her hair out.. because u will die, but the bright side is.. shell be wealthy from making money. but later on.. u had said.. "my mother doesnt love me" now, if ur mother was going to be rich.. and wealthy.. but she didnt love u, why would she be depressed about u killing urself. just read ur shit over, have it make more sence. also, the ending was a bit empty.. okay, i kno he killed himself.. but "happy birthday ma" made me laugh.
all in all, you have much room for improvement.. but this peice wasnt half bad, keep it up man.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290128
rtf on a slept TOPICAL battle of mine. thanks.
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thanx now uppin for my last time damm
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i liked the topic here...excellent structure overall and very nice flow..
rhymes and multies were good......vocab was nice and same with complexity
imagery was nice and the whole peice was really good.....
i enjoyed it..keep it up..
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this was good defently wit the topic you used the general topic was kinda common but since everyone has an indavidual journal you brought somethin new wordplay and flow were for the most part were good a lil rough in some places the rhymes really heartfelt and it seemed like you could either speak or rap it which was cool rhyming was good a lil off in some places though and structure was dope so good peice stay up
leave feed on my om in ma sig
