The pains to much..I'm screaming to myself ENOUGH...i made that choice..Then asked myself why it took so long to make it
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The pains to much..I'm screaming to myself ENOUGH...i made that choice..Then asked myself why it took so long to make it
This was good emotionaly but just didn't jump out on page. I could feel what you were saying about your girl not understanding your pain but it did'nt real connect as wellin text, the words were to plain in alot of areas and it really stripped away from the energy of the piece. I thought you had a few good lines but it could have been better, just cause you feel it and drop in 15 minutes dosn't mean your finished you know, I think if you went back over and touched up on some things this would be an excellent piece. No hate, I'm just givin' you my opinion. I'll look for more of your work in the future. Maybe you could check out some of my stuff to and give me your 2 cents
One.
^deffinatly my comment on this. It was good but not as great as it should've been. I felt that you rushed and was frustrated when you wrote this up. Take more time and use internal rhymes to help out your style. Your lines are really long so for this to flow, everyone would have to READ as fast as twista can SPEAK ..and that's not good, which is why the internals help out the readers. I've loved your Om's and shit for a long time, since the Diaries .. you remember that shit? yeah, we were ill :rolleyes: ..anyways, keep it up and you'll get your witt back. you're just a little rusty. SHAKE IT OFF! peace.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony Brown
Link in sig, at the bottom .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cry
I DID......That would be the point of the top of the OM..this was a SHIT PEICE.....understand it as that
yo man this piece was pretty tight...
...i felt tha emotion but betta vocab would mos def im prove this...
...keep it up dogg...
Thanx for the feed...Rise for feed
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ok, i seen better from you. internals would make the flow much better. emotion and imagery is good though but sometimes i feel you could have used different word choice, not necessarily a large vocab just better wording. pz
Damn... You're really getting short changed in the feedback section man. I personally loved this piece, I really dont think to many of your readers are mature enough to have gone through this kind of stuff if they're giving it a 7. This piece really hit home for me... Me and my girl just broke up 4 days ago so we JUST went through all of this and the wounds are still kind of raw so this piece actually had me kind of choked up. It was weird cuz actaully, she wrote a journal entry alot similiar to this but it was directed towards me that she let me read and this just took me back right there. I really can't even describe the amout of emotion that you brought upon with this piece. I liked the simplistic dilect too, if you teched this up with vocab and shit then it wouldnt feel as heart felt... It felt like it was straight from thought to page, which, 15 minutes it probally was. Great piece man.
I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atticus
THANK YOU...
i will definatly hit your peice..cant wait
I'm thinking you are either portraying a verse being torn between two states of mind, conscience, or that of a woman figure, not so much a girlfriend but either a mistress or even a motherly figure. It's vague and kind of dry in terms of language, I can;t find anyting stand out that would point me int the right direction. Rantish in feel, but deep reaching, just not deep in content or diction. im getting a sense of frustration and confusion, and only a women can do that to a man, unless he's torn by his two personas. In that case i think a deep focus on conctent should have been put forth, either way there is much to discuss here. Much for the reader to interpit. I would prefer a better writen peice, but for what it is I liked the way it made me feel.
I've been torn up by women in the past, so it's only obvious for me to pick up on that aspect. I guess we've all been there, but some of the members are too young to have felt such mix up.
LoL man good work good work... i like this piece cuz i think everyone on this site... wait, everyone on this planet, can relate to that. and the way that u put it into words is remarkable. u must read my mind whenever im in a fight wit my girl, because something like that is exactly what im thinking... but on to the piece... the structure was well done, good 4 only 15 minutes of work, and the flow was consistent, i dont think it fell off once... vocab was good, u used many words that helped u describe exactly how u were feeling... the rhymes were good, coulda used more work on multis tho, word play was alright. i saw some emotion in that but i found this piece to b almost comical, which is good if u ask me because thats more original on rb. the topic definately has been used b4 but i liked the way u did it and urs seems to have stood out from the rest in that categorie.... i like the message u have in it, but on the other hand, we cant live without our ladies 2...
good drop man keep it up ima keep checkin up on ya, and rtf and drop feed on the OM in my sig
girlfriend..Quote:
Originally Posted by Bounce
Thank you....for the bolding...Are there any tips that could be Incoherently incorperated in this to make it better without me realizing i was adding it to this peice?
I think better use of language could have projected the emotion, I didn't feel your pain as well as you could have portrayed it. Better use of description and internal schemes would have helped, but content needed better discription. Not so much on a whole but in word choice. Detail is the key, but I did get more from the second and thrid read, it just doesn;t jump off the page at me though.
yes...When i wrote this..I was jus layin down what i was feeling at the moment...Like i said i wrote this in about 15 minuets or more....
On a topic like this if i spent time to go back and make it...how u say...More..detailed and put descriptive emotion words...i feel like this peice would stand out to more users....But this was jus a strait from my mind strait to the paper kinda one...I wasnt concerned about making it look good... was tryin to vent how i was feelin in a hope to make myself less...stressed...
Thank you for your feed...If u have anymore tips or feed in the future..I MORE than welcome it from you...I hold your feed above most that have left feed because of your age and experience..u can relate to the peice..
Thank you and i welcome your feed anytime
use more imagry and get more vivd , more vocab , the flo was kinda off and it went way to long (sylables) , ur points arnt direct instead of saying they try she , or her name or you, the more direct ur lyrics are the easier it will by to picture wat ur saying and really feel ur verse.