uppin
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uppin
Yup, you are on your way as mentioned by mr six feet. You did have the basics down, now you just have to increse your complexity a bit and reach the reader. Some work on alternating rhyme schemes and maybe improved diction in areas will put this over the top. So, keep dropping and working on utilizing all the components to a good write. Make your strenghts work for you.
thanks for the feed dude,it will be used.
Yo witness good.... homie i liked it homie.....
u aint have a picture i like when u have a pic that goes along with the story...i like how u made the intro and shit then had the quotes for the speakin alnoe...shit was dope...
he knows I could never stand up to him, but it’s getting very tempting
his actions have left my life, my mind, and now even my soul empty
the scars on my body, are just superficial, it’s inside that’s really scarred
I am the most insecure person alive, but on the outside I try to look hard
i like that line right there...good every thing...9/10...keep it up...
ps. like pink 2...SHHH...
man this shit was deep yo. i mean i feelin everything about it yo. i mean yo it was real crazy yo. was all this true yo? sorry bout sayin yo so much......but good spit nigga. u did ya thang
lol thanks......but nah this was completely made up,thanks for the feed ''yo'' lol
that was really well-written, complex yet easy to comprehend. it was a very visual kind of work, made it easy for me to imagine each seperate part of it coming alive. it was pretty disturbing, however it was illustrated in good taste. i also really liked the ending, a nice twist in the end is perfect for the kind of work that this is, good job man, keep that kind of stuff coming.
imagery...good...flow wasnt so good and your lines were like miles long. it stretched across the whole page. vocab was good and not forced at all. structure was good... i felt the imagery was the factor in this piece.
try not to have the lines extra long please.
Stay Up Dude
A great topic.....u had good imagery in this...emotion in this went real nice with the imagery...to of the biggest things that stood out the most in this peice was them...umm the only thing i can say to elevate more on is the vocab....umm flow was on point and the structure had me lost for a minute but then i got the scheme on that so it was fine...overall keep droppin nice stuff like this...good job
aight thanks...uppin.
dopeness..... add complexity n u r set ... keep it up
Good topic choice, always a ood start, this was a really good piece, the structure was very well placed and everything seemed as though you took pride in every line rather than rushing the piece, i was impressed with your usuage of flow, it was very well placed but i think you may benifit from using a few multis and a different rhyme pattern, you need to shorten your lines, but to me this did not degrade the piece atall, i found it a very good read, The vocab was good, not to over the top which is good to see, and you placed the bigger words very weell, making sure not to place them too often thus ruining the read.
well done and keep writting.
thanks dude it's appreciatedQuote:
Originally Posted by Verbal Insanity.
oh and chilltyrant......die.
this was hellish..opener was dope, nice structure and good imagery.could do with a bit improvement on tha voacb, a few multis would of helped it flow better, but this was still the best piece ive read on this site in the past couple of months fo real,
ss material in a couple of months no doubt, keep @ it cuz,.1