Originally Posted by Braille
okay this wasn't bad, i noticed in the first paragraph before the hook....your description, adjectives, analogies were all a little dis-connected..like i felt like you were kind of in a hurry, and just settled for whatever sounded okay at the time...and i noticed that throughout the whole first verse.....than there was the hook....i personally believe hooks should be left out of text because 99% of people don't know how to write a successfull hook, that includes me...sometimes I get lucky but generally i stay away from that, and i think you should as well, atleast for now...your 2nd verse picked up a lot, it still wasn't anything special..but it was decent, and definately better than your first verse, everything the first verse lacked, you did better in the 2nd verse....you had decent structure, flow was a little difficult to find a nitche for..the concept was decent, nothing spectaculer.....over all this was an okay piece..if i had to rate it..i would say 6/10...stay up though...i see potential...
