The Devil Returns

Next, i crepped down the steps with a knife from the drawer
I was tryin to be silent but there was a loud bang from the door
it closed automaticly and i didnt touch it..i just continued....
I was just like "fuck it"....The washing machine was on.....
searched the whole basement i couldnt find my mom.....
I opened the washing machine door and it was a sick sight
It was my mother bein chopped up..the devil took her life
I wasnt gonna bare this anymore, people had to fight back
and i know for a fact..the devil wouldnt like that............



Hot.

thanks man..but could have been a lil betta feed..but uppin for more

this was a good piece thing id tell you to do is not bold it. i think it might have been for the effect of the stroy so its alright liked the imegrey you used and liked the emotion inner rhyme could of been there a little more but it was on point non the less

ye jus elevate ur vocab man n u'll do great it wuz a decent piece. good flow n rhymin.

ok...thanks for the feed......uppin for more

nice drop
gd imagery
rhymin ws gd thruout
flow was mainly gd, but i lost it once - but ws ok wen i re-read it
structure was also mainly gd

i liked this piece, keep it up



felt i had to comment on this cos its a gd piece, and hasnt received much feed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ~Skribble~

uppin for more

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i liked it

8.5 out of 10 ur an excelent writer 4 real

nice little story here, I think it was neither too long or too short, you conveyed your point in a reasonable layout. One thing I think you could have definately improved on though, was your vocabulary, it was just too simple for my palette, you would have gained alot more respect from me if you'd used more emotive language too, especially at the point in the story where the persona found his mom being brutally murdered by the devil figure, the way you described that event could have really been elevated, I think you only used one line on the subject, which made it seem a little insignificant. The structure was nice and the piece seemed to transition well, overall try to expand your vocabulary, not too much, but a few unusual and vivid words can really add body to an otherwise flat piece. :) Hit my piece up if you get the time, 'They Say I'm Anorexic'

thanks for the feed...i appreciate it....

goood man i thin i would give it 6/10