feeed me.
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feeed me.
I thought the short sentences, and pauses in longer ones, had the feel of someone who was going through the mental anguish that was being described. There were a lot of words used throughout that gave me the sense of a war, even if mental. Words like lords, battling, captivity, defeat, and doom. The rhymes seemed fast, with how close they were placed together at points.
I totally understand the comment you made about how something you write only seems to make sense to you. I remember trying to explain one of my older pieces to a friend. Some of the lines it was like, well it made sense to me when I wrote it, to go along with the type of strain of consciousness you mentioned.
Thanks for the feed on mine.
Cool we can relate...
Yeah it's a mental / spiritual , battle everyday
with me. Figured I try my best to describe it
with words.
appreciate your feed back.
this was a dope piece man, it had a nice concept , overall
i give u 9/10
wordness...
feed me Im starvin...
The 1st part got me confused until I read it like 3 times, good wording, and I loved the Emotion you put into your words without putting the word "feel" in it, good wordplay, nice flow and the imagery was overall decent, good balance of vocab here. The thing that stood out the most to me was the Emotion, nicely done.
The 2nd part to me, the flow was kinda choppy you using too much of 'periods' there, it shouldn't be that much, do a run on setence on the first line and then put a , at the end, it'll be better for readers like me, even though you had multi's it still caused me some confusion. Here I felt the Emotion, again with the good balance of vocab.
The 3rd part was a good ending, felt the imagery and the emotion, again with the good balance of vocab.
Overall- this was a good verse just change your rhyme scheme. The emotion and imagery was def the best aspect in this verse, keep writing.
thanks for feeding me...
much appreciated.
can I get some feedback on my new OM 'smoke signals'..be honest and harsh..not that harsh ;)..
yeah sure....I'll leave feed.
edit I don't see it and...
Im at school and my name is highlighted
in red it's just supposed to be blue,
and lol at the boxes at the buttom of my
alias...guess that's this pc < off topic.
I see it now..
yo ,
i'm caught inside this mental war,
dispense awards,repent the sword.
I'm killing my own while killing yours!
I'm chantin OM, hopin for equalibrium,
my mind is clouded from dope 'nmy cerebral incisions
deliver me to evil, god give me a chance,
i'm laghin at my instability- life in a trance,
i'm givin ransoms, trapped in my head,
kidnappin nerve tissue accedently kill it instead.
When my mind meets spirit,
Confined to die in my head-
theres a battle and we fight to the end (HOOK x2)
Meet Rico, Hes Portugese and hes my fuckin Ego,
and Rico's fightin evil he calls the Super Ego,
He's a superhero, so Rico knows that hes good for people.
So Rico bombs a school destroys all of the teachers,
The super ego shows with surprise that hes a good fella
But Rico puts this Evil to rest with some accepella,
Believe in me to lead and indeed we'll be free to see,
I leave a mark on every fuckin EmCee for centuries
The Pro.
1st Rap on RapBattles.com
^ Don't get deleted.
This piece was FULL!!! of raw vocab, wordplay, it just took the piece 2 much higher levels..not 2 mention the concept was placed great, you reall made it come alive. You really can tell you took this piece seriously, cuz each line seemd 2 be evaluated to perfection. IT was a great right, almost inspirational! lol, it is a tough piece to grasp if u dont read it, and feel the fullness of it, but if u can (WHICH EVERYBODY SHOULD)...it is just a great write, and deserves all the feedback it gets
PROPZ
keep droppin
HIT UP MY SIG....DROP SOME FB!
THNX
Thanks for feeding me...
much appreciated..
Open Mic of the month yes...
looks familiar.Quote:
Originally Posted by Illus'Artis
:noor:
No it doesn't , all of my lines are uniqueQuote:
Originally Posted by Hand of God
and rare. A true artist can do that .
I should make you feed me..