Changing World

More feedback please :nerd:

uppin for feedback

uppin again

no body has anything else to add? no posotive or negative feedback?

bump

more say than text...

it maybe seemed like it needed something else between statements, maybe sum imagery/scenery or something to paint a bigger picture and stop the statements being on top of eachother and seeming repetitive..

it does also have some good poetic valuesas well tho in the form its in...
bit short as well tho.. just maybe try to give sum kind of imagery with the statements
bigger picture ish

check out my link-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=234988

1

Vortex ok thanks thats a new idea havn't heard that before, ty

vortex mind helping me close the battle in my sig by the way?

decent start Evo

you have the basics down as in you know what your writing about and how to do it in a simple way

your piece lacked substance though in several aspects
the scheme or structure of the verse was very simple and didnt engage me as a reader
the imagery wasn't brilliant, work on wordng and try to paint a picture of whats happening
flow was ok, basic too but you could use some multies to help with the flow

overall not bad for a newcomer, only way to improve is to read other peoples stuff and work on your own writing

fin

yo wuld u mind showin me what u mean by multi such as an example

evolution, the rhyme scheme was too basic, i recommend you work on a more difficult one, cause this rhyme scheme with very few words each line, limits the content on each line. which leads me to to say.... i beleive you should try and put more content behind your ideas; itll make the overall strength of yer piece better. and even though yer ideas were true, they were just generally stated and not so interesting to read when its like that. from looking at this concept wise, you have mad potential, you just need to polish up on yer foundations: rhyme scheme, vocab, and multis. keep it up mang.

yo man, i liked the content, the message you were bringin, but like most these other cats (i say 'most' loosely) i ain't in wit the style. maybe like you say in your earlier post, only the rhymer knows his own rhyme.

i wouldn't fault it too much, i reckon with it bein such a deep subject though it needed to actually be a more deep rhyme, you got a brief message across but i think everyone will agree that you leave a lot to the imagination, you leave us askin questions and wantin more.

maybe that's a good thing though, shows u got interest. keep on keepin on g

peace, one

plat

Partnerz In Crime

Thanks for thee feed, I sould work on a part 2 and merge everyones ideas, and i shuld add an emcee to feature in it

Good Flow The Structure Was Off And The Story Could've Been Betta Put More Detail Into Ur Verse And Try To Add Some Emotion Make Ppl Feel Like They Can Relate To The Story This Was A Good Om But U Can Do Betta But Overall Good Job

thanks, one