i not home right now............ but uppin 4 ya
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i not home right now............ but uppin 4 ya
uppin
had deep emotion...rhymes and whatnot were a little off and simple..but mos def had emotion and imagery......your structure takes me back...i used to rock that structure mad crazy...any way keep elevatin and droppin.~1~
thanks fam
ok i havent looked at the responses on the second page yet, but....... the ones on the first page are off. this was a very emotional moment for you and i can see that. however, when you write you need to convey yourself in another manner. you repeated the same type of thing over and over and it really hurt the read. sometimes it seemed like you were trying to be too clever with lines like you were my four leaf clover. i think you could have found a better comparision then a four leaf clover. that is pretty cliche. also the way you space you lines breaks up the read and slows the pace of the story. you dont need the space between the lines and you also dont need to put those // breaks at the end of the line. everyone who reads it knows the end of the line by the rhyme scheme. which brings me to my next point, you should always try to ryhme more then just the last syllable. try to rhyme at least the last two or three. it makes it a much more enjoyable read. plus hell and will dont rhyme. and when you say our as in a collective group including you it is spelt "our" not are. plus when you write you want to try to avoid the end ryhme being the same word. i noticed in 2 bars (4 lines) the end rhyme was u. that shows inexpirience and lack of creativity. i know you can describe the person you love/loved in another way rather then just saying u. i am glad you wrote on such a deep topic though. also i am glad you were so eager to have me critique this. it shows you want to improve. if you have any questions on what i told you pm me and i will clearify. keep working at it man. you will elevate.
Hey, i was feelin dat.... no need to say ne thin elce... that was a gr8 piece and i felt that piece... keep ya head up
uppin 4 my hommie
ya mine if I can post a little somethin something just so people could feed?? I wrote it a little earlier...
no start ur own damn open mic homieQuote:
Originally Posted by Pet-P'eve
uppin for feed
nice drop... shit was deep.. and i was feelin ya on that
aight thanks fam
aww... this was sweet... i can relate alot to this piece only its the other way around... but this was nice u did a good job.. seemed lik yu were tellin a tru story ta me
it is a true story and what u mean it happened to u but the other way aroundQuote:
Originally Posted by *Peaches*
yea it happened ta me only da other way around but my story is kinda different... he tried ta leave town, said he wasnt goin to take care of it and den also said that he would tell evrybody it wasnt his, so i got an abortion.. and it was a boy... and then two months later, we got into a arguement about the abortion and he hit me, and i cried all day then i tried ta kill myself..