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One word- Wow.
This piece plain blew me away, the topic was brilliant, the imagery, jesus christ, the imagery was some of the best i've read on this site. The vocab was balanced just right so not to drown the piece, the multi's were non-existant but quite frankly i don't see how they could've improved this.
Placing his hand in hers he cries for the mother he never knew,
collapsing on the floor next to her his body breathes a sigh askew.
Shadows flood from his throat as he grips the floor tiles lightly,
Embracing doom he hugs the dead doctors legs frightfully.
^^GODDAM, sir you are dope.
keep posting and showing these newbies how it's done, if you could rep my piece "timeline" i'd appriciate the feedback.
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Thanks Johnny... I appreciate it.
Peace
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I was feeling everything about it, Nice imagery, Vocab was nice, And structure was on point. Your becoming one of the top topical cats on RB man, Keep doing your thing and keep your head up.
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Thanks to everyone... This was my first piece in the OM HoF... I appreciate the nominations.
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that shit was tight man, I'm totally feelin it....had a lot of emotion, good structure it flowed real nice had complexity to it....all in all it was a good peice, I'll be lookin for more posts soon! keep it up!
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In Verse 1 the best lines were...
'... Stressing my boredom bruises appear...
Fear overcomes her cranial suspense's superior leer.
Eight months of patience isn't an option for my insistance,
Existence is but a dot of life in the ever growing distance.'
I'd rate verse one a 8.5/10...I loved the multiez, and beginning set up with the lady being pregnant and the emotion and pain of having the devils child in her stomache. Great flow throughout the whole verse.
Best lines in Verse 2....
'Bloodshot eyes greet the doctors as the mother flails in pain,
Rouge life splatters over the tables staining her son's name.
The mother fading as the lines fall to a flat 180th degree,
Nurses fall to their knees as others stumble to flee.'
Id rate verse 2 a 9.5/10, cuz it had alot of detail and imaginary, you could picture everything that is going on. Which is good because this is the prime of the story, the climax, where the baby is born. And you lived up to every expectation. Also with good flow and and emtion. Even had multiez. Perfect.
Best lines in Verse 3...
'The sheer anger inherent in his tiny structure is too much,
Weight of past actions crush his legs into his stomach.
Having exacted his anger on his mother he sheds a tear,
The evil crushing his lungs as it escapes into the oxygen fear'
Id rate verse 3 a 9.5/10 because it was a perfect way to take down the beast. The emotion was shown perfectly, with the mother mourning her baby as he dies. And the beast turning soft before he dies. Again, good imaginary, good flow, feelin, multiez, and great ending.
Overall rate - 10/10
Perfect.
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Thanks for all the in depth feed... I appreciate it.
