Mentally Wealthy

yo nice would have been betta wit longer lines though but nice flow rhymes vocab and everythin else is ok good job just work more and it would have been perfect give it a 8.0/10

that was some dope shit man it was real sweet and nice man good job.

thanks, uppin

uppin, all links returned

flow was aight and the vocab was dope i like the poetry good job

This was a nice read like people have said, could be better at some parts but I really liked the storyline and it flowed well.

Your opener was good stuff, but it really fell off in the middle. In my opinion for a piece like this, it was short. Maybe cut it up with a chorus or something, something to break the flow and make it seem longer. You had some nice wordplay, especially at the end and you had ok storytelling and emotion.

I think on a longer piece this would of worked out a lot nicer, but still wasn't bad man.

Issue - Tearstained Pages
Check mine out, :thumbup:

that was alright, could be better

Pretty Tight I like the first part makes an image in yur head kinda sounds liek you wrote it to a beat...

This shit was pretty Dope. I Liked the Concept and The flow and Rhyme Scheme, Everything was on Point, Like it...Please leave FB on me and Lords diss to Slideshow ;)

good looks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ta2_tears

well well well.. i dunno wat 2 say about that, it was more of a poem or a story instead of a rap

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^haha, like it's not supposed to be?

but i think the structure needs work, you need to let the lines flow out more instead of keep them up tight and short, it will help the flow out a lot.. so work on that, but the story line was decent..

check mine-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184989

all alone was living among debris
fabricating a past so he could see
some shred of light showing hope
when everyday was a downhill slope
his waterfront view was a stream
running down the alley, he dreamed
and placed his mind in rejection
so that he at least would have direction

^ best part of the piece....interesting, i kind of predicted what this was going to be, so it was decently interesting, simple, yet intriguing, i nice story....easily relatable, vocab and wordplay could be upped, but this piece didn't need it, it was pretty cool to read, keep up man

Thanks for replying to my piece (Little Heather).

This was cool. I like the whole concept. I might have worked on the rhyme scheme a little more, but the plot was cool. I like the idea of him getting lost in fantacies. Nice dop.

Nice Drop..... On Top Of Wha People Have Already Said.... I Liked Tha Ending...

and placed his mind in rejection
so that he at least would have direction
^^By Far You Best Lines..Peace