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This is not bad, you have potential, this just seemed forced in more than a couple areas. There were some technical issues to boot, as with meter and word choice. Conceptually this was less that original, as DJB alluded to, although not a bad stab at it. The read was hurt by the improper use of a few words, I tired to look at it from every possible angle, but they just did not fit. That seems very common as of late in OM, but atleast members are venturing out of the conventional and on their way to elevation. You seemed to be focused on vocab and not paying enough attention to meter, for this to be HOF or stand out material. Now that is not always a factor in poetry, but it's clear that you were going for a peice with count, since there was an obvious rhyme scheme, just minus a decernable meter. The structre hurt this peice, you could have done some things to fix this, asthetics, sometimes presentation is helpful, other times ti doesn't amtter as much. For this drop it would have only helped. Never ask the reader if this is HOF material in the drop, that only brings down the authenticity of such a nomination, it's a mistake commonly made here. A seasoned writer and his work will speak for it sef and trust that those on this baord who know a dope peice when they see it will nominate it. I'd much rather have a nomination from a person who knows quality work, than some lilpac9000 kid who has nothing to base such a nom on other than his own lack of understanding. Keep at it, and work on seemless integration of all aspects in elevated writing, context, snytax and diction, as well as vocab. Plus many more, but for now those are sufficent.
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To begin with I'd like to say that I like your topical work a lot better than your disses.
Something I'd suggest you work on though, that noone else really mentioned (though it does sort of tie into the convoluded vocab theme) is writer's voice. You seem to know exactly what you're saying, but you're also assuming that the reader is going to draw the same meanings you did by "reading carefully". Try to make it so that this is not an issue; try to write clearly so that the reader will feel you are speaking exactly to them. A larger balance between simple and expanded vocab would help with this. Some other advice that usually helps people is that you should write things exactly how they're going to work in terms of flow when you say them. Don't worry about making the verse evened out, or pretty looking. That comes later.
Other than all of that, you have a lot of good concepts and imagery. You just have to shape them a bit better.
Peace.
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thx for the crits guys.really apreciated.and yes Mavon i don't quite like disses.was nothing personal with you...me and Na was just gettin bored of gettin slept on,and tired of all the disses in OM.And thought it was a kinda stupid reason to start a "fight" with Word~Perfect on a name.I don't have any beef with u'r crew.just geting tired of all the diss OM's.And Bounce i put "HoF material?" in my sig for some attention.cuz like i said i was getting slept on.and maybe then people would read my OM.but you made a good point on that matter,so i changed my sig.And Johnny,glad to be in HnR.I'll think of a topic and pm you dor the collab.
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I can respect that. I hope you members who can see why we expect just a little more out of you guy's here in OM, will also pass along what it is we are trying to do with YOU, to the next batch. If you want to be taken seriously you must be amongst the serious, and not those wackerz who embrace mediocracy. I see crap nominated each and every week, now the write may be good, but unless the voice is striong and evrything else is technically sound, those noms only hurt us all. It takes away from all of us, and that is the reason I will not tolerate it. Even if it means kids come at me sour, I will not have it, so please take it upon yourselves to do the same as I would. Standars have sunk so bad here, that the real dope heads will no longer frequent this place as often. That directly hurts your chances of getting some recognition and indepth knowledgable feedback. Which in turn slows the elevation process for everyone to a snails pace. The golal is to come original, dope and technically sound, not to make HOF. I don't drop much anymore because of this, but when I do my intent is not HOF, or legends. It just so happens to be that when I do drop I get in, why? The less informed will certainly claim it's popularity, lol, but i think if we assess the quality of drops in here it's quite easiy to understand. Lets raise the bar once again and make things dope for everyone. Im posting this here because I EXPECT to see you guy's help this transformation. You are the ones in here, so it's like YOUR responsibitly... Don't let yourself down!
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damn thanks bounce. that is dope for you to take so much time on a reletivly unkown writer. good feed. it wasnt my piece but i can still apreciate it
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Bounce,thx for making time to give such good feeds.the best i ever recieved...and just know i'm nothing writing for HoF or anything like that...i just feel the need to write,sometimes i feel like i'm going insane if i don't write something.and want to know what people think about my writings.and some people told me OM was different a year ot two ago...now i see many who don't have any talent posting crapy OM's about how gangsta he is or something like that.i feel like if you are tryn to write songs u must have a message to transmit,u must have something to say...make people see your thoughts,see the world thru your eyes...cuz we all feel the need to transmit our thoughts,our pain,our joy...and songs are the best way in my oppinion.and i'll try to not let myself down.
thx again for the advices.much apreciated.Peace man.
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can i get some more feed on this?quit sleeping yall!
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this time i ain't posting to up this.just for an extra post :)
