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very heartfelt piece. especially because its true. its one thing to write a depressing piece on thoughts, but its another to write it on reality. you easily replayed the event in my mind with your first verse. your second and third verses were able to help me feel the way you were feeling in a slight sense. the heart in this is the biggest part of this. the flow and everything else were merely bonuses. real enjoyable piece. im real sorry this had to happen tho. may God bless and take care with your head up...
peace
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damn this was deep I wanna hear this on audio
you had a nice flow but I agree with 'PercepTion'
u lacked vocab but it was still nice
with the imagry
9/10
RIP Manet
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try not to up this too much more man cause old pieces shouldnt be up cause it will clog up the forum so to speak, I know its a personal piece so i'll let it go for you sir :)
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Damn this was decent your vocab seemed to lack but you picked things up about the middle. The flow was okay nothing eye poping but you need some more internals. Overall keep working it was decent but there's always room for elevation.
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Then she yelled out the news, I swear I felt dumbstruck
why the hell my niiggas keep dyin, I mean damn what the fuck
word, i felt that
Remeber those times when I'd say I never cry
well I cried like a baby when I heard you died
i can relate, when a big part of your life leaves you, its hard to act like you dont give a what
I got a tatoo of your name on my arm, you're forever
as long as I'm here you're gonna always be forever
nice but when you writing your bars, try not to rhyme the same word twice......throws off the meaning of it, but yet still good
Cara, here's somethin that should put your smile in the sun
I've stopped my gangbangin and I've put down all my guns
nice drop you captured the emotion you had in you an wrote that down an made the reader feel your pain.
keep it up
try working a bit on structure when doing text, throws off the flow, good job on the concept.........an im very sorry for your loss
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sorry for ure loss man...i dont know what its like to lose some1, but i know how nice Cara's are
gd flow and structure, gd dedication/remembrence song
gd rhyming
alot of gd imagery
gd emotions
once again sorry for your loss
Cara RIP
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Cara, here's somethin that should put your smile in the sun
I've stopped my gangbangin and I've put down all my guns
I would've never thought I'd see you go away
and it keeps reminding me I dont have that many days
I keep you alive through this song and these words
and it's nice to know you're in peace with the heavenly birds
I got a tatoo of your name on my arm, you're forever
as long as I'm here you're gonna always be forever
My tears stain the paper as I write this song
but I guess there's a time when we all come home
You left a mark in our minds and a mark in my heart
Jus the fact I'll never see you again is the worst part
I just wanna hear your pretty voice once again
I just wanna know your soul isn't flowin with the wind
I still can't believe it was you who had to die
and I tell you baby this is why I cry
^^ One of my favorite.
Anyway this was an ok verse some puntuations problems but it doesn't matter. You had emotion and flow in this piece. None was forced and it flowed smoothly. I can't say the concept is good or bad cause it's true. So I leave you saying kee[ writiong and my condolences to your love ones. Pz.
