Ty Pen...will hit up your piece..later on tonight.
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Ty Pen...will hit up your piece..later on tonight.
that was deep there...excellent piece...
A figure distantly appeared, Face nearly visible but the cloud interfered...
Mist covered the darkened road, the moonlight lit, then disappeared...
^ luv the wordplay there...
As he came within recognisable distance, His walk retained its consistence...
Was he real, Why was his appearance so surreal, did he have believable existence...?
^ once agen worplay was heavy...n deep aswell...
I’ve lead a life conscience of sin, So many events, Where do I begin...?
I’m already dead, you must be courageous & release my spirits within...
So many tears I shed, and in your life I can foresee so many fears ahead...
^ touching lines man...
An astounded presence overcame me, I looked straight into his eyes, He looked at me...
I didn’t realise that, by living a life free of sin, heaven for me he could guarantee...
^ whoa especially by living a life free of sin, heaven for me he could guarantee... sik!..
last verse was deep aswelll...
nice drop man...
^ty...good to see someone else is breaking shit down..^
This was a nice piece here.....I liked it, it was a really nice read.....the emotion in this was real nice....the imagery in this was nice, I liked how you captured the things in this....structure was nice in this.....vocab was real nice as well.....flow was on point through out the whole thing, flowed pretty smoothly....The way you ended it was nice i thought.....overall a nice piece, enjoyed it.
I laughed at the end lol..
Holy shit! It's Jebus! Saaave me Jebus!!
Anyways, I suggest using more internal multis to help keep the readers interested.. Sometimes I felt the bars dragged on too long, then again I look at everything from an audio type perspective.. I think Jebus topics are played, but that's just me. . Seemed like you re-wrote an old story from the bible, but made it rhyme.. T'wasn't feelin' the topic, but it wasn't deathly boring to read. :thumbup:
Up up and away!!
^Jebus^?
story was good, structure was well put together...
my feelin was that some of the rhymes weren't put in for their intrinsic meanins... they were really just dropped in so the ends of the lines would rhyme. this type of writin takes away from the meanin of a entire body
ex.
As he came within recognisable distance, His walk retained its consistence...
Was he real, Why was his appearance so surreal, did he have believable existence...?
^^i thought you could have down better here, "retained its consistence" is a little weak. Maybe it works better as "was consistenly persistent"
keep tightenin it up and it goes from worthy to sublime...
otherwise a straight drop...
The Simpsons.. The episode where Homer gets stuck on a plane and goes to a missionary colonyQuote:
Originally Posted by RythmicTendicies
*Homer is pushed on plane*
"But I don't believe in Jebus!"
*Plane flys into the distance*
"SAAAAAVE ME JEBUS!!!"
:laugh: It's funny. LAUGH YOU FUCKER!
erm....L0L
satisfied...lol, i prolly have sene it...watched too many th0.
dizzooness, havent read from u in a while, but this was great, everythings was good,
uppin