Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lauryn
a poem im dropping soon lol..
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
Not done yet lmao
to me this piece was cleverly put together i can tell you put alot of thought into each line an i liked the way you showin pure emotion within each line i would try to enforce a lil more imagery within your verse though its like you get into the imagery then u back out hitting it up with emotion a lil more but the emotion got me through the story i really wanted to read the final piece before i wrote what i thought about this piece
keep the pen drippin ink to the paper
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Keep Them Coming Guys,
Running Smoothley,
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Rather than post it here again, i just put the link to the thread.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...var=&p=7218303
All feedback and improvements is good cause that isnt the final finished piece.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
gotta say some feedback annoys me when reading peoples poems.I know i havn't left much myself as I'm only back from inactivity, but some comments are just crazy.Some people really think they know it all.I'm not talking about anyone in particular just thought this comment would be suited in here.
who cares if there are no big words in a poem or OM or if the piece is just too simplistic...
SO FUCKIN WHAT!!!! some of the best pieces I've ever read were simplistic and easy to read.If we want good writers on this site, people have to develop them by giving them propper guidance and not some made up shit.I see people using big long words now in everything they write and then trying to make it rhyme with something just as big.
People don't fall into this trap becuase you will regret it.I like the idea of this thread, but maybe post links to known poets and see what REAL poetry is.Study them and study how they write you will learn a lot and gather great insight.
If I was to throw a name out there for any writers that wish to get better then it would have to be Michael Longley.Read "Self Heal" or "Wounds".He has so many more but please people reall learn to appreciate work.....please.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
If knowone knows everthing on this site on how to write a "world class" OM/Poetical piece who's to say whether the Om/Poetical peice is good enough or not.
So we Have To Start SomeWhere.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
*no one
and where did I even m ention world class,all I am stating is to develop a clearer image for those who wish to be better writers, and even to correct gramatical errors.Its a learning process and I'm sure everyone here wishes to to get better.
i really don't see where your coming from in your post, so therfore I can't really rant on
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
I just think rants like that are useless and pointless considering people are gonna' get judged either way..
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
have you even read the post properly??
seriously man your making no sense
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Oh sorry rofl!!
I was looking just at the top bit, cba to read the rest untill now haha,
yeahh okay haha :),
Dyl do you think it's a good idea to have a "Meta' Convicts Hall Of Fame" ?
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
i tend to do that,though i dont look down on a piece due to simplicity,ill state that it needs more complexity if its one of these wanna be gangster rappers that drops these moronic fuckin pieces about how on a daily basis they blow peoples faces off with 12 gauges and slang kis of yay and pounds of blow,i hate hearin that shit,then there like,this is my life,i live this shit everyday,im just takin a break so i can hop on my moms computer and post on this rapbattles site about how fly and gansgter i am,ive sold bud and some other choice shit in the past,im not a gangster though,i just hate those pieces thats all,and there everywhere.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
im all but tastless,walkin faceless through the faces
my kids will always keep me straight like braces
i hung my hope with laces now im bracin for the end
put up my index,the scent..sex,im bastin in the wind
placin last in a race ran by people in wheel chairs
thinkin i had the upper hand,id rather steal theirs
i peel hairs from my sweaty brow,breathin heavy clouds
race was steady in the end though im ready now.
this piece wasnt anything,just something quick i just wrote just to throw on this thread..drinkin coffee jottin thoughts
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
well thats not exactly poetry, it depends on how its written of course and yeah your right, its always gonna be terrible to read with someone talking about gangsters and guns.That is an acception
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
DYL check out my Friendly Nightmare collab i would like u to hop on the third verse
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Bstill am i in that collab i thought i was ending it?