https://youtu.be/0yVdBlGSgRw
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I always loved the song but it hits different tonight… totally love it
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Music made me better when psych got me all fucked up - not all of psych some of it
Why do my boy friends have fuck then if they’re my friends though? ATM told me that he said don’t be friends with her or I have to fuck them. I was just standing up for what was coming for me if I actually did sould
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You ain’t special bitch
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Have to fuck them*
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So that was how that had happened huh - that’s a long time
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I’m waiting for the man that wouldn’t do me like that
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I have like 2 friends that wouldn’t
Respect
I waited for you to come back for 8 years… why would you now?
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Sick as fuck only got 3 hours sleep… I’m going to hibernate until Tuesday
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I’m broken
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I’m hurt…
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Cause I don’t want to be friends with people that play games like that
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And I definitely didn’t deserve to be the object of it
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This one definitely almost had me… I even put my ring on pac
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OUR family ring
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Sorry for being a stupid bitch again
Cause I don’t want to be friends with people that play games like that
Cause I don’t want to be friends with people that play games like that
I wrote in marker in the notebook that “you will never rape me again” and had the blanket they peed on, the hair in my shower that wasn’t mine, a sock and MAD evidence to prove it and I told the cop that too… nope Cheryl goes back to mental
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I showed to officer the huge garbage bag of evidence in my closet
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They didn’t give a fuck… it makes me feel like Raleigh police dirty - until I realized the cop that shot me up in the ambulance didn’t even have a cop car so I’m just like was any of them real police?
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“Told my girl to get the fuck down”
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Just cause I’m a souldier doesn’t mean I’m not a woman cause I’m not even bi
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Shit got real at swap spit
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I didn’t know who was doing it or how many… lucky it was just one twisted psych I think
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You know they tried to blame flex after I already caught them snitching on him and setting him up the first time?
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My blue tooth name was flex
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I know for fact someone that could and would do all that was not too stupid to make an anonymous blue tooth name
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It’s the feds… they refuse to admit that they were wrong I feel
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And I was almost military myself and it hurts my heart
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You were wrong… ok?
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And even more wrong to sit there and watch and let them
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I feel them stupid bitches in my flesh and it makes me so mad that I don’t know how to get them out
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It feels gross
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They’re gross
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I only tell when it’s in my man’s target - I caught a lot - the truth been told - and it’s solved
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I pick up on conversations and stuff
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I want to throw up just thinking about it
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Stop throwing pussy at my man he was locked up for 26 years
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J think that by now he should’ve curbed it… me? I’m just like idk it makes me mad insecure too
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I can’t stick to my word about some things lately and it’s irritating me
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Nah I have no clue how he’d even find the time to
https://youtu.be/UIYtY92itKM?si=kuXi-mjmLdV8bmjD
I miss you too Pac… Merry Christmas guys 🖤🥀🕊️
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Why you don’t ever come back unless I have a man though… I waited one year SOLID for you to come back… cried when I had to date again and waited 8 until my hell mate got out… it’s just do you love me or the game? Like… you already know I’m not that bitch to cheat anymore
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I learned my lesson when I cheated on Ced… it made me feel gross
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Everyone else… WE WERE BROKE UP except the ONE time when my and Ricardo got in a fight cause he wouldn’t come to ct with me but wanted to check on me all hours of the night
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It pissed me off and I had to be with Ced to be sure
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He can’t marry a white girl though
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Considering it goes there to there and back there… I already know
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I get it now
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Some of it
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My family is so small and far away and now that my gma gone we not doing a thing for Christmas - we celebrated last night
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I got like 10-15 cousins in Cali
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5 on the east coast but they all way younger than me
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I come from a VERY small family
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Nobody ever stuck up for me but me… I had to hold my own - but pac taught me how to
I remember they were from New York, I remember how we met and played spin the bottle, I spun the bottle and it landed on him - I remember because it was the first time I kissed a black guy, then he spun and it landed on me - he got up to move and said let me spin again and I got offended and ran away crying… he grabbed the bottle to follow me and said he just wanted to see if it would land on me again… then we kissed until 9pm when I had to go in - he taught me how to he sensual like you got to talk and explore with your kiss… any ways we would meet at 7pm in the hotel lobby every nite… he knew I was a virgin so he said he’d wait and he wanted me to really think about it be sure and be ready - I came up to him in the pool the next day to tell him I was ready… that night I snuck out the room and we made love on the beach while it was raining… I snuck back into my room telling my dad I was hungry and was at the vending machine… we ran up a huge bar tab that my dad was laughing at shocked it was me that did it and not my brother… anyways we were off the hook and did it every where the pool, the couches on the 2nd floor conference room, etc… my last or next to last day I went to give him head only we didn’t see my brother and his friend walk in so my brothers friend throw me into the pool with my clothes on saying chill out… there’s so much more too it… and I can point to the exact spot we picked to watch the fireworks, or the time he sat on my face when I was tanning on the beach… the time his boy wouldn’t leave and I got mad and he always followed me type when I did and that’s what I fell in love with too. These memories came back flooding when I was shot and I remember the entire week but not much back in ct… I remember being pregnant, I remember when I picked Jiceras name my sister didn’t like it, I remember throwing up and running away cause I was scared my dad was coming home from a business trip and already caught me throwing up in the bathroom late night and stomach viruses are only 24 hours… I lied to him about my age and I remember waiting for him to come with a pit in my stomach cause I had to tell him I lied ro him AGAIN… I lied about my name when we met
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I was in patient and there is so much more too much to type but I think he visited me every Thursday
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He was late for lamaz once
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And everything how I remembered it prior to getting shot was wrong… them psychs and drs did good at brainwashing me
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But they couldn’t delete the emotions I felt
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Which made me remember when I finally looked back
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Like when my mom made me pull down my pants and prove I had my period and stuff… my family still insist I never had a baby but I know for facts I did and have the picture and details to prove it
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My family still trust psych and do and say whet they say to
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My fathers sister is a psych
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He wears his bandanna like that cause I had the bottom back of my head shaved and would wear mine like that when I wanted to wear my head up… on my 16th bday I cheated on him cause I already didn’t remember him so he got married even though I’m still sure he divorced cause he was coming back for me anyway
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Hair up*
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2 of my bosses were black panthers and I didn’t know how they would feel about me dating a black man so I changed my bfs name to Seth lmao
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https://youtu.be/qurhsou1_nk
I have no reason to lie cause fame always scared me and I knew the hardships that come with it… I prefer to blend in a crowd but still look and feel my best…. Everyone thinks I’m some attention seeker but nah, that’s not it at all… all the instantly started with my outbursts cause someone was hurting me
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I can only confirm my shooting with similar facts of having my baby
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The scars the pics the memories enterprise writing off the car the ambulance death the defrib
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The psychs are making it and making me worse not better by hiding the truth from me all the time like the gang rape in Myrtle beach
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I got to heaven and didn’t even know my own life story… I think god was PISSED
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They may have actually physically taken my memory… I only had one other catscan at unc to check if the atrophy was there then - they doagnosed me with mild dystonia
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I saw Mary in the exray picture at the bottom back of my head
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I have no fucking clue what’s going on and nobody will tell or help me
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Guys I’m just saying everyone who could help is getting defamed and arrested… they only let you get away with shit for so long until it’s your turn to be black mailed - I learned to live like someone was always watching cause of my father
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That’s why I don’t do shit I can’t admit to cause if I can’t I probably shouldn’t be doing it - that’s what I want jicera to learn too
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I can see his eyes or feel his touch from ANYWHERE he’s my angel for real
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I don’t know if he got our daughter I just remember one day we getting the lecture that it costs a million dollars to raise a child from 0-18 to being so mad mad at my mom wishing death on her
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Probably the worst thing I ever did but I was so mad and sad
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She got cancer like literally weeks later and I freaked out even more cause of it - I feel so bad I even thought it
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What makes me mad is I was mentally ill to begin with… I used to cut my wrists when my parents would fight - they later said that was my way of letting someone know there was a problem in my home
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I DESPISE DRAMA AND FUGHTING AND ARGUEING TO THIS DAY
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It literally makes me sick too
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I didn’t have to be this sick and I’m mad about that too
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I worked, went to school, and was in the gym 6 hours a week - AND a bf… nah I didn’t have much time for friends and them bitches fronting - we ain’t been close in a MINUTE prior…
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I always used to work mad overtime too
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They didn’t have to do me like that though…
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I fall EVERYTIME I finally get back in the gym… but I’m a still try to again
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They kick my ass every time and I don’t know how to protect myself from their religion
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Idk how they got my freewill to begin with but am grateful that Fred and June do LMMFAO
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I have real friends too… they just took me away from all them
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My life line when I was shot was split second memories of EVERYTHING
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I didn’t believe in the impossible and didn’t realize shit like that could be real was some of the insanity, being lied to the other, and with the ptsd my body and reactions were stronger than me… like when I was moving out of Norwalk - I couldn’t sleep the night prior and my step dad demanded we had to move at this specific time then the first thing he did when we got to the apartment was put a mattress over the window and I got scared ran, stole my moms car and ran to the police
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Again they should’ve explained to me I was shot and someone was after me and that’s why I fell into psychosis and my emotions were stronger than me
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I used to steal my families cars all the time
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Idky when I get sick I still steal cars but to my defense only when running for my life lol
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When I was a kid*
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Man we used to steal my moms ac allllll the time even my bf would steal it
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She used to be asleep by 9pm and had the back window…
Y window faced the parking lot
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One time when me a Dana stole it I fell down the stairs sneaking out the house and made noise and we were laughing cause she like should we wait to take it and I was like nah we good - and we were good - summer night blasting sugar hill
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They took me away from all my real friends intentionally too
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My entire family fell apart in 1991 all of them… my biggest wish is now that we are all back together - I don’t know if it would be right or wrong to find Jicera
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I don’t want to ruin her life or have her walk out of it again… that shit was nothing but pain
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But my code was die for my child and we got her here
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I still would any date or time too
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Pac… why all my friends sleep with my bf and why do all my bfs sleep with my friends? That’s what I want to know
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Never in my life I ever did that to anybody
https://youtu.be/cI9ifCMk0Dg
She not better than me and I don’t owe her a thing - get her off me!!! lol
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Call it underground
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Cause they kick my ass this way so it all balances out - see bitches I get my ass kicked too
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It all balance out
Give me 30 minutes and the book is already pulled together… I just don’t believe in paying to publish
50 I can only explain why it took 10 years for myself… I was unaware, I blacked it out, I was in denial and ashamed… it takes that long to build the courage to tell somebody that you were defiled and degraded and it doesn’t go away… it just knaws at you every day until you get to a point that you don’t want to live like that anymore and you try too hard to all that it takes to just heal and get justice
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At first you think it’s your fault
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And then by the time you realize it’s not - that can take some years too… I agree with South Carolina that there should be no statutes when it comes to sex crimes
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Yes…. With my friend again
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Neither will admit it but they’re caught
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He got mad and broke up with me for accusing him and she said I’m crazy in my head
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That peace and comfort though… I’m conflicted
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The funniest part his other gf probably just sitting their laughing at the stupid bitches fighting over him cause he probably with her too… he says they just live together but I know better
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He thinks the ratio in my city 5 girls to every man… nah… I want my own man - one I don’t have to worry about or I need an arrangement based on respect nor love
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Not love*
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I don’t like the ups and downs… I like steady
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And I like supporting myself… can you please stop wasting money fucking with me and my head and pay me for my writing and story?
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I noticed with my bfs that nobody want me writing… but I don’t want anybody that I can’t write with
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https://youtu.be/j85UDykomWA
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I was sleep walking again and opened my drawer lmao my bf was here but what do I do when he isn’t?
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Ghost’s have literally picked me up in the air in my sleep lol that’s the part of crazy I refuse to let go of
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The ones that drive me home when I’m lost and confused and grab my steering wherl and shit
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I was step braiding everyone’s hair when I was inpatient at 13… now they wanna have another reason why I went to hair school
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They do… they all put themselves on pedestals and shoot down at me
@Candy new years was yesterday or tomorrow? 2025 here in 20 minutes… hoping to reach 2m in 6 months - you with me? Do you put www.raphattles.com in all your ig posts?
My bf got real mad at me tonight and was saying some things like if it really happened I wouldn’t have this or that… but it’s like when you find out if you a killer or not… too many predict they either will or won’t pull it but you really never know until you there at that moment
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Yeah I put my step braid in… gonna put in 2 more too
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I showed him my scars and asked straight up if I was shot or not and he wouldn’t answer me either
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Slimy old creepy man… I’m not impressed take your money and your clout and go find somebody that will actually give a fuck about you
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I’ll put in the prenup that if I kill you the money still all mine if you want
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Old men creep me out
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And control freaks even piss me off more
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Pac and some of the drs agree… one in the morning really does help
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Even he let me
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You people act like ny mind even gonna see 60… I want to enjoy life not surpress fun shit for the sake of when I’m older
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I know