the mind of a teenage boy

i've been having dreams for the past few nights...so i wrote about it..hope you like it and please give some feed back


Every night I fear of dreaming
The terror I see while I’m sleeping
I’m different person in my visions at night
They’re all screaming; nothing is right
Looking around at the shit I have done
Feeling their pain, but it was all so fun
I don’t feel for him, he deserved what he got
Put him away with multiple shots
I found him at showcase; it was pretty late
Grabbed his neck; pulled him away from his date
Started to punch the fear in his eyes
When I reached in my picket, to get my .45
He knew it was over when I aimed for his chest
Pulled on the trigger, I think you know the rest
The bullet moved fast, burst through the flesh
Next shot pieced right through the head
That’ll teach him to watch what he said
He dropped to the ground; I knew his heart stopped
Ran to the car I had to leave the lot
Hopped in my car started to drive away
The look on his face will always stay
I see red lights flashing; the dream is almost over
I pulled out the gun and the car moves slower
Aim for my head and say, “Now I’m all done”………
Now the sun has come; my prize still not won
But now I’m left with the thoughts of the past
Wondering how it all happened so fast

this should not be slept on i like this awhole lot..i saw his face before my eyes too when i was reading good imagery and nice structure keep it up kid..maybe rethink the title to suttin to catch peeps eyes so this will get peeped a lil more just a thought...

thanks for the feedback....ill deff. do that for the next time

its good i could visualize the whole thing. it reminds me of what i want to do to my moms ex bf lol

yuppast will always fuck up ur head..i kno how that goes..but the title could have been better...but the poem was nice...i could see it goin down....i could feel the lack of remorse durin the process...i like it...i can relate..and relations are good for the soul..aint shit left but elevation

well dang I feel ya ever time I do something out of the norm it hunts me too, even if its just my imagination

pretty Ill spit bosox, well told and rhymed up tight.

peace

great imagery kinda simple wording dr. suessish but theres nothing wrong with that.....its not easy to take outside inspiration and transfer it into words nice drop homie..

your intro was good, started the piece of nicely
the way you described things int hie piece was pretty good, your vocab could be brought up some thou
details in this were good, seemed natural, things were simple and plainly laid out
your emotions and thoughts were strong and clear
structure was basic, next time try a more complex ryhme scheme maybe
nice read

~Tera~
DONT HATE