Heaven.....

Feedback: Kmfrob, Emerge and Ace of Spades.

I haven't thought of a chorus to this yet, and I still need a third verse:

Verse 1: I sit and reminesce on these long weary nights
gazing out the window but it's all a dreary sight
and as the clouds all gather in and the sky is growing grey
i wonder why you've gone away, it's blown away
all our bliss and every kiss i dearly miss
that gorgeous dress and silky hair, it's mearly bliss
I just sit here cold and worn, with all dreams torn
i'm broke and shattered and still i scream on
all that's left is a broken heart, a lump in my throat
and a long lost love

Verse 2: Sometimes it feels like the world is against me
and my rhymes are my weapons, they're my only defence
against the hurdles and obstacles that pile up as one
in front of my optical, it's hard to overcome
So i just sit here writing rhymes all about you
it's been tough through these times and lonely without you
and the sky ahead is growing greyer and greyer
cause i've lost a friend that would light up everyday
cure all dismay, putting up a fight in everyway
that's why i loved her so much and adored her
that special gift she's given to me and my daughter
i'll always love her, I fall to my knees and cry tears
because of that girl, I faced all my fears
but now she's gone and i'm left all alone.....

flowed throughout

vocab was kind of weak

structure was good

maybe add some multies

What are multies?

Multies = Multiple syllable rhyming.

Read the tutorials.

Hit this up:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=96557