story to un puzzle

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...710#post932710

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=94043

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=94006


12 strikes-
mid night-
i sit light-
levitate my third eye-
above the sky-
is my god there or is the bible a lie?
-should i cry?
then ask why?
the death blow-
was what i owe-
as my blood flow-
i just know
-i failed-
i bailed
-escaped my cell-
but end up in hell-
that's my jail.close my eyes and felt brail-
read i was blind and to frail-
my wund tells a tale.............

(beat switch)
the soul lays down back in to my physical frame-
the bullet goes back to the same gun that left me slain-
the pain-doesnt fallow someone screaming my name-
and im back hollaring at some dame before someone took they aim.
the gun goes back in the car-the car ends up back at the bar-
as the guy sits the slits disappear from what would be a scar.
etched within you see the name unspell-
each tear finds its way back from where they fell-now repels.
No more weird feeling in hi intrels.
the 4th 3rd 2nd and 1st shot go back in the cup-
and he exits backwards not thinking his life was fucked by some slut.
he gets back in the whip-105 miles per hour becomes 0 in the eclipse-
and he back at his drive way before he began to flip.
back out of the car through the garage door-
tfrom the kitchen
to bedroom for where he leftthe hoe crying and bitchen.
lying and snitchen.....
now the words rewind to "who is him?"
as the words were uttered he no longer hears it was his brother.
they go back to things being thrown-it rewinds to him on the phone-
while she walk back out the home-now there's a ring and a dial tone.
the supicion becomes a fiction- her love returns to an addiction.
he sits back down-but what we rewind fast forwards now.
(fwd)
the bullet hits-then another rips-
through the wind i hit the ground plus cant feel my finger tips.
i here screaming- my eyes gleaming-
its cold outside... i can either see death go by... or the wunds steaming.
leaking skin tweeking there is no heeling-
plus my left side lost all feeling.
i felt the guilt i built- as the stilt fallen....i was kilt(killed) the bullet was death callen.
as he stood over me screaming it aint right-
that was his wife- i can only say" a fake love isnt worth a real life".
he must of realized at the second-cause he dropped the weapon.
held me screaming somebody help me.
begging me to hold on-and so on- but im far gone-
he says hell no if i die he dies-begins to cry-and grabs the gun from his side.
i couldnt open my eyes-so i closed them and in an instance-
the innocent begs me for forgivness-but it aint his fault-
i begin to choke from one lung-
i take my last breath in death the last thing herd was “what have i done?”
the last thing i herd was something fall to the asphalt..
god no it was his body then his gun.

holla people

this was a good story based piece, i liked it, you tok a unique aproach very well done...stay up man pz peep myn if ye got time..thanks 8/10

That was ill yo

Well the story was told well...from start to finish but i've seen this kind of method done before...either by other people or from Nas but u gave it a twist at the end and mixed it up(not a bad move)
the flow was much on point through-out
vocab was here and there, but as i said this was done b4 so nothing stood out for me
and the only weakness here was...it was done already
but as far as everything else it was good not great
so i gave you a 7.5/10


Peace.....
1.............

that was a nice peice...the flow seemed to be off at times though. liked the use of multies. the changed beat thing sounds cool, i thik i can immagine what its supposed to be like. good drop, keep at it

uppin thnks

Another sick ass drop from you once again. I liked the whole start from the end of the story to the beggining....then fast forward tpye of style. Your flow was on point, multies were their, topic was tiight. All around a very nice post.....keep it up and be easy son, 1

aiiight piece.....but wasn't feelin the beginnin at all

uppin and the purpose was to be abstract yet poetic

this was pretty good. Like the man said it has been done b4 yet that doesn't make it bad. I had a little trouble catching your flow from time to time, certain things could have been worded differently but over all it was about 7.5-8.5/10

hit my piece up if u get a chance.

who did it like this to move forward present and past in one song

heh
i enjoyed this joint
flow was dam good i caught onto it easily...there were a few sentences where it went off a bit but it was negligable
nice story...well told....the rewind has been done before but ive not seen the two in one verse like u say
decent flip in the story too...although i kinda saw it coming
props man