^ It would help if you replied to other peoples..
.. this wasnt that good, basic story telling .. flow was off for me for the most part, most lines needed rewording, the writers voice wasnt really there and your transition left a lot to be desired to be honest with you
Quote:
I got a beautiful wife, two kids and a dog,
So i had to kill them,
cause this aint the life i wanted at all//
^ Err .. so you kill your family because you dont like how your life's going? Sure. That sounds sensible..
Quote:
I wanted a life that involved me holding a gat,
involved me holding a mic and busing my raps//
It involve me getting multiple platinum plaques,
something to tell my grandchildren in the future about//
Strayed away from the topic like woah.. and you were trying to say your a wannabe gangster rapper? Oh, and Plaques / about do not rhyme = /
Quote:
But i guess thats fucked as well, cause i jus shot up my kids,
Regretting it now thinking, 'maybe it was a bad idea'//(whoops)
You shot them THEN thought it was bad idea? please .. that was worded horrdly, again, Kids / idea - how DO they rhyme?[/quote]
Quote:
O well. guess i'll get more where those cunts came from,
Get a bitch, fuck her up the clit with no condom on//(Ha ha)
So i'mma criminal and a serial killer at that,
for murdering more than two people,
with my 45. calibur gat//
Ehhhhhh, really poor transition / storytelling, one syllable rhyming was too basic, wording is off and makes the flow seem too rigid
Quote:
Now for the faint hearted you should close this thread right now,
Coz u'll get sick by what i say, cause its so fucking foul//
Psych!! U better keep this thread open u bitch,
I wanna see you throw up your guts,
coz it gives me a stitch//
^ Totally off the topic, writers voice seems to of skipped completly between telling the reader about your life and you killing kids to telling us to close the thread, wtf?! That was god awful .. seriously..dont make transitions like that in open mic pieces..
Quote:
You see i get amused when people throw up, coz of my raps,
Gives me a certain pleasure only i can attain, like when i'm squeezing my gat//
^ Again, what does that have to do with the topic of killing your wife and kids and your life being bad? Just makes you seem like your some wannabe gangster thug to me ..
Quote:
Next, this is how i bumped off my wife,
so to cut a long story short,
i'mma tell you in only four lines//
Transition again was awful with how you switched back to about your wife, and your going to tell it me in four lines? I should fucking hoipe so, you wasted at least twelve lines on stuff not even relating to the fucking topic, lol ..
Quote:
I dragged that slut by the hair, across the room
Put a pillow over her face, pulled the trigger and boom!//(Oh shit)
The pillow had a trigger attached to it that made it go bang? dope..
Quote:
Killed that slut quicker then O.J killed his fucking wife,
but i dont care if i go prison, coz i fucking hate life//
you realise .. even if you went to prison, you'd still be alive, so that wouldnt solve anything. You'd still be alive, just locked up = /
Quote:
Now the dog, that was jus for my sickening fun,
shot the bastard 13 times, jus to learn how to use my gun//
loosely related to the topic at hand i suppose, transition was awful though and flow was off, seems a bit stupid shooting the dog as practice, you'd think you'd actually know how to use one before buying one *shrugs*
Quote:
Now the stories unfolded, and i've told u how i killed my family,
Maybe like 'Jack the ripper' i wont get caught,
maybe i'll keep doing my killing spree//
Again, transition sucked, writyers voice was ehhhhh, word choice was poor, similie was kind of old and your character had only killed once - so i wouldnt exactly call that a 'spree' = /
Quote:
Apart from killing, i'mma keep writing my raps,
until i'mma shoot myself, with my own gat//
So say what you want motherfuckers, i dont give a shit,
I write my rap rhymes for me, fuck what you think//
First two lines seemed pointless, just strung together for the sake of it with basic one syllable rhyming and little thought puyt behind them, second couplet was off topic like woah .. you dont care what i think, yet you posted it for replies? ironic eh .. i wasnt feeling this at all, figured id reply though to gove you some idea of the bad points
hope you enjoyed it. = )
