Originally Posted by
Emily
I heard a voice breathe words serene
a stream --- whispered to me
The stream of consciousness. What a concise and sweet way to open up on that thought. Perhaps our consciousness is an entirely different personality of ourselves, another voice of ours breathing with the words we do not know we want to speak yet. Also, whenever the word 'whispered' is used wins points with me. It has such a soft and sweet connotation to it, yet it can also be incredibly unsettling as proven by...
"Today...is a beautiful day to die."
THIS STATEMENT. I can hear the sudden whisper filtering into the mind, a sweet nothing loaded with the promise of nothingness.
Bewildered, I stood in amazement
Such a beautiful fragrant statement;
Though not composed in my mind
Bringing shivers to my spine
Not composed in the mind. I wondered if it were a person caught in thoughts of suicide, but this lends more to a 'supernatural' and religious element. Though, the very concept of suicide is irrational... So, using the word 'fragrant' adds a somewhat jarring aspect to this. A statement that has a sweet smell to it. I do believe this might be my favorite stanza apart from the opening two lines. Those two middle lines made the stanza. They were the backbone holding up this unnatural call. Divine words perhaps, or the irrational unconscious of a troubled life seeking an end to pain.
"Today..." he repeated..."is a beautiful day to die"
I like the pauses, and continuing to read this in a whisper has such a strange effect on the reader.
I froze in shock. Sheer disbelief
Heaven took time to talk to me
while sinners wept and wiped a tear
death, near filling fear
tear death, near filling fear. Idk if these are just jumbled up and could use some word changes or if you did this on purpose. I'm fond of unusual strings of words so I'll be spending a bit deciphering this to myself. Could be indecipherable. Much like the incomprehensible concept of God and his voice.
I heard a voice speak words so clear
three times in my ear
Love that rule of three. I know six is a devil's number but three can be as well. A mock to the holy trinity, so it could be the devil speaking within the mind. Also, the holy trinity; if we're keeping up with the heavenly imagery and words, it could truly be God, or an angel. Probably God. Cus', well, the title of the piece.
"Today.....is a beautiful day to die"
Still effective, and good to stop there before it becomes too repeated.
In dismay, I start to pray...
I see a religious person in utter fear of the unnatural, divine words in her head. Praying to God to discover the answers, the meaning, even though it was his words.
'Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
...Give us this day.'
Whenever a piece of something else is grabbed and inserted into a piece, I really hope the writer writing it has plenty of their own words to include. Because this piece is short and brisk... I wish there was more from your own words. You know? This left a taste of longing with me. I desired to hear more. Not that this wasn't fitting because it is. The prayer gives a sort of vibe to this, I don't know whether to feel serene or unsettled. Despite the serene voice in the narrator's mind, the words themselves are still eery. Also, I love that you ended on 'Give us this day'. Almost as though she is speaking directly to God asking for another day to live. Or maybe to give her this day of beautiful death. It's puzzling, enigmatic, and very much you. There's always a sense of an unseen layer of deep feeling under the surface of your works, Em. I tend to enjoy reading what your mind puts out. If it hasn't been said yet, consider me a fan. Though, to still be constructive. I felt a word here or there screwed with some flow. The 'I froze in shock' stanza in particular. Some of the words felt a bit jumbled, and lacking a certain cohesion that made it confusing for the message you were putting out. I'm gonna' have to look at it some more because it almost feels like a crazy author move 'tear death, near filling fear' where you put all these words that aren't usually right next to each other.
