Bare.

inferno of rage, flames, internal decay, thanks
caused by the conviction of every word that you say, great
vertical range, eyes turn into space, insecurities, weight
social anxiety, the wall between your personal space
assertively fake, awake, thinking its absurd to be lame
whats the purpose of faith, do you deserve to be saved
what if that and fagot were a pair of words in the same
you certainly crave, a different sort of grounds to be on
a place where you can be an asshole, without any fault
the balance of all things that you know to exist, a total eclipse
open the pit, fall asleep and wake up where nobody is
no one exists, not you, me, him, her, or the coma your in
the aroma is rich, enough to sell your soul for a hit
but the coldness is thick, and your clothes have been stripped
the belt you wore doesn't bare the type of gold that it did
frozen and stiff, eyes wide open like your focussed as shit
you bend the rules and hit the wall, but the ropes never give
your gut feels like an ocean of ribs, broke into bits
its over, the bridge you burned down explodes into sticks
and there you are, sitting on a chair where nobody sits
the darkest place conceivable, you know where it is
its nowhere to live, its sick, its your own hair and skin

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damn not going to lie, this was pretty dope. wasn't feeling the last part of the first 2 lines though cos I felt like "thanks" and "great" were out of place and only put there for the sake of the flow, other then that I liked the transition, usually not my choice of reading but it was well put together. The feelings were pretty dark and emo but they remained consistent even though the flow would die then pick back up again on some spots.

you bend the rules and hit the wall, but the ropes never give
your gut feels like an ocean of ribs, broke into bits

this was dope imagery.

agreed with Wordz on the beginning

i can see what he's saying, but in another sense... it works

prolly sounds better than it reads in text

reminded me of a Blacketh verse, for what its worth

kudos good sir

I think it reads just as well if you take them out, helps the flow for the second line since it isn't a multi like the first one.

I like this drop in the sense that you have a dammed up flow of emotion in a state that isn't reactive to that state. I got the first two lines and at the end I thought it was cool like a comical aspect of all that is going on. But the flow was locked in and the essence of it was played out nicely with the word choices. Not overly laden with the super multies and the internals but enough to keep the direction fresh and vivid. Overall shit's nice son....

@Witty this shit has the same vibe as your joint

would prob sound better than it reads in text

in text is just seems jaunting to have all the lines ending mid-sentence and the next starting from it

millz used to do something similar and I disliked it then too

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Baron Mynd

@Witty this shit has the same vibe as your joint

would prob sound better than it reads in text

in text is just seems jaunting to have all the lines ending mid-sentence and the next starting from it

millz used to do something similar and I disliked it then too

---

Nah I get what you're saying man...I was just talkin' shit lol

I agree, it's probably because I say everything out loud as I'm writing it, I understand why it might knock some readers off tho.

I have to agree in a sense that the overall vibe of the piece was solid... the selection of imagery used gel'd well with the narrative, to me though - it seemed a bit inconsistent, the rhyme scheme, one minute the flow was flowing, then in the next breath theres an abrupt switch, maybe more attention to the transitions should be given, gradual change instead, nah mean... but overall nice little drop

........pz

This is good. You have a quick and easy nature about it.
Busting out words that fit like a glove, packing perfect punches.
I agree with Wordz regarding 'thanks and great' even though I like the sarcasm intended.

Nice skill, ie:

"...the balance of all things that you know to exist, a total eclipse
open the pit, fall asleep and wake up where nobody is
no one exists, not you, me, him, her, or the coma your in
the aroma is rich, enough to sell your soul for a hit
but the coldness is thick, and your clothes have been stripped
the belt you wore doesn't bare the type of gold that it did
frozen and stiff, eyes wide open like your focussed as shit
you bend the rules and hit the wall, but the ropes never give
your gut feels like an ocean of ribs, broke into bits..."

I love that constant drum in those words, that flow.
This was an interesting concept with great flow for the most part, and atmosphere, a point: cool ending, detailed imagery, nice rhymes, internals, metaphors, a whole stack of stuff.

Favourite line:
"whats the purpose of faith, do you deserve to be saved

Least favourite:
"a place where you can be an asshole, without any fault" ---although I like what you're saying, I think you're forcing the flow and 'fault' doesn't rhyme with 'on' which was the last word from the previous bar. Fault didn't rhyme with anything, so it stuck out because I found the rest pretty much smooth sailing.

This was good work Genocide.


Great read.

social anxiety, the wall between your personal space
assertively fake, awake, thinking its absurd to be lame

the balance of all things that you know to exist, a total eclipse
open the pit, fall asleep and wake up where nobody is

but the coldness is thick, and your clothes have been stripped
the belt you wore doesn't bare the type of gold that it did
frozen and stiff, eyes wide open like your focussed as shit
you bend the rules and hit the wall, but the ropes never give

This whole piece was fire. flow was great. lines were a bit long for this to ever touch an audio stage but the content was solid and rhyme scheme was disgusting. Vocabulary was banging. I know im new here but ill be looking for more of this from you on a consistent basis. 9/10.

Keep droppin em brotha

inferno of rage, flames, internal decay, thanks
caused by the conviction of every word that you say, great
vertical range, eyes turn into space, insecurities, weight
social anxiety, the wall between your personal space
I didn't like the word thanks, it felt forced, not context wise I suppose, but I feel you could have had the same impact with different wording that flowed better. Other then that, it was decent. I lke the concept you're goin with n your imagery and metaphors are cool..
assertively fake, awake, thinking its absurd to be lame
whats the purpose of faith, do you deserve to be saved
what if that and fagot were a pair of words in the same
you certainly crave, a different sort of grounds to be on
I am enjoying the scheme, nicely executed. As an atheist I can certainly appreciate ur purpose of faith/deserved to be saved line and also how it ties in with your concept.
a place where you can be an asshole, without any fault
the balance of all things that you know to exist, a total eclipse
open the pit, fall asleep and wake up where nobody is
no one exists, not you, me, him, her, or the coma your in
This was dope. Liked the imagery and how you used metaphors to enhance it.. I did enjoy this.
the aroma is rich, enough to sell your soul for a hit
but the coldness is thick, and your clothes have been stripped
the belt you wore doesn't bare the type of gold that it did
frozen and stiff, eyes wide open like your focussed as shit
you bend the rules and hit the wall, but the ropes never give
your gut feels like an ocean of ribs, broke into bits
its over, the bridge you burned down explodes into sticks
and there you are, sitting on a chair where nobody sits
the darkest place conceivable, you know where it is
its nowhere to live, its sick, its your own hair and skin
Not gonna lie, I really enjoyed this piece. I got the concept, and understood the story.. And you made it interesting to go on the journey. Nothing really to critique you on this was a solid drop. Regardless of our E beef you're solid writer n I hope you stick around.