Inconvient Lie(ps repost)

inconvenient lie

she told me
to forget about yesterday.
she only cared
about the future
constructed for us.
I didn’t really believe
the shit she said,
though I’d like to nod
in approval.
I’d just can’t see us
holding hands on the beach
staring at the sunrise tomorrow.

Her name was anna,
she stuck her tongue
down my throat the first
time we met; her eyes,
like a gorge of onyx,
stayed open the whole time.
whispering “fuck me,
I want
the whole world to see.”

But that’s not anna anymore

She grew stagnant,
covered up her chest.
unwilling to satisfy
my sexual appetite.
unaware of my
napoleonic need
for pussy and conquest.
She told me our love
didn’t need to physical
our connection could be
better than sex.

Guess you were wrong.

Anna,
I’m sorry for letting
you fall in love with me
or what I could of been.
Maybe, If you met me
at another time, things
could of been different
Maybe, I could of grown.
Maybe,
I could of been so much more.

but hey baby,
I’m just an animal.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...371/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...906/index.html

GAH, you are so close to brilliance imo. I can't put my finger on the first stance, but it needs to grab faster. The 2nd one is SO good. The very end needs touching up... more character and irony. The "she grew stagnant" verse is good, but don't be so direct with your point. Don't directly say she stopped feeding your sexual appetite, but use the Napoleon images and create something more interesting to read.
Lots of good... the 2nd stanza was DOPE imo. keep working. See what edits you can do over time.

hiyah

Alright, this seemed like it couldve been mroe than what it was; a portrait of lust mistaken as love. The second stanza, the imagery was brilliant and the ending lines were effective. You could've used imagery to help translate a greater meaning, a bigger metaphor, though. It just seemed like the type of piece to do so, because the concept has been played with on before, and the surface is pretty scratched up, follow? Otherwise, I liked the napoleonic needs because it covered so much story and background with only two words. Don't tell, show; like spoken said. The sexual appetite part was a good place to do that. Nice work, keep it up.

muchos gracias!

lol....damn spanj you little slutboy. this was new-uniques in a sense and original, i loved this concept hahaha like it started off the impression she gave you of basically wanting you to nail her right there but that was just what you saw in her, and really she's a good girl and is into/looking for more than just sex you know. and lol i liked the last stanza and quote...im an animal wordness. yeah this was nice....the first was kinda meh but the rest was awesome. i liked it.......*goes to masterbate*

At first I wasn't to sure whether to love or hate this piece but I believe it to be true to a lot of different situations. I enjoyed the style of writing, its not something I have heard very often, I hope to see more of your stuff

heyah

i love elevation like this. i normally don't enjoy such..broken up stanzas but you were really able to make it your own.

Quote:

---

unaware of my
napoleonic need
for pussy and conquest.

---

i thought that was really clever, and comedic.

one thing i feel though, is that the ending was rushed. you started out .. very mysterious but then towards the end i felt like you kinda just wanted to be done w/ the piece and jus stopped being mysterious about it. but as a whole, i really really dig it and you had great transitions imo. nothing really negative to say. really glad to see your elevation first hand. you have so much potential, just spruce up your wording. :love:

Okay, well…this was definitely chauvinistic and piggish…at least it would be if I was a woman. But, considering the fact that I’m not…I’d say you just wrote some pretty real shit. What I liked most about this piece was its honesty. Hey, you can’t help what you feel –the truth is the truth, no matter how unsettling it might be. I mean I for one can definitely relate to your sentiment. We as men have needs. But that’s a topic for another discussion.

Focusing on this piece though…hmmmm…let’s see…the language was pretty casual and given the subject I think it was a good decision you kept it that way; because it made it appear to be more of a conversation then it did an actual read on paper. It’s funny, but, I felt as if I was in the room listening to you explain this to your lover/ex word-for-word. So as a reader I felt connect to what was going on, which is always a plus when it comes to writing. Also, the pace was pretty steady due to your structure, which also added to the authenticity of your words/circumstance.

From a purely poetic point…I don’t think you were particularly heavy on the literary devices. The introduction of a few more metaphors or similes might have benefited this piece in some ways. But, that’s just my opinion and they are not absolutely necessary. Because the brief exploit you did have with wordplay sort of made up for anything you lacked in terms of technique (that’s actually a compliment lol).

Quote:

---

She grew stagnant,
covered up her chest.
unwilling to satisfy
my sexual appetite.
unaware of my
napoleonic need
for pussy and conquest.

---

^That was perhaps your best stanza. Obviously, the Napoleon line was the highlight. I think that allusion was dynamic in the sense that it gave us an introspective look into you greedy and lustful like nature and unwillingness to submit your wants for the benefit of us. Make sense? I hope so. Still, tho, this was a dope post. I’ll be sure to peep more from you for now on.

I was smiling as I was reading this. You have what it takes to write. You know how to connect the words in such a way that the pulls the reader in. Some writers paint photographs some tell stories. some know how to hit that part of the mind that makes you want to be the one hurting, to feel the beauty of it. You're a story teller I believe. I enjoyed the poem most in the beginning, if I were to pick something, I'd say the ending wasn't as strong as the rest of the poem. I'm not sure what it was. Maybe the "baby" part.

Also, let me point out. When writing a piece, if after a stanza or two, you feel like you need to stop and take a breather and then come back to it, then go ahead and do it. Most poets will tell you that some if not most poems took a bit to write. Of course, it's not always the case. You could already be doing that, I'm just saying. :)

Your first and second stanza were very strong. The others were good as well, they just felt a bit disconnected from the first two.

You're elevation is very noticeable in each poem you write. Loooooove it!! :)

I have to say I enjoyed this piece immensly. It carried on nicely and even had flow to it as well. I laughed a few times as well, im not gunna lie. You have something called voice, I beleive that when you write the whole audience can see that your telling this story, not some narrator.

Good job bro, keep it up!