Baron and Prayer Presents - "Farewell Song Bird"

By Prayer & P. Mortuus



Rabid and mocking, bye bye birdie
it’s taut beak protruding in an ugly manner;
feathers grease-slick; crimson syrupy voice
it cawed me a greeting; a vulture to fragility.

Nestled between mother nature and Heaven,
warm during the Summer, and frozen by October.
Senses sharp as a sparrow, heart like ember,
mind racing up the mountains but can't get over.
A bird's feather taps on my shoulder.

It flew south, so elegant yet obscene
perched upon Charon’s shoulder;
nestled soul deep within its womb.
Bye bye birdie;
I drunk myself ignorant; my senses dulled
I thought I heard a caw
and me knees weak lost their will.

The wind blows Mary, but Spring fears nobody,
as the reaper retires, his sorrow kills a chickidee.
It's wing-span narrow, twitching as it lays, dying,
the sight is overwhelming, shall I end it's misery?
Or watch as the Phoenix begins to weap?

The sun falls short, hiding behind Mount Everest,
playing peek-a-boo with the creatures of tonight.
Ready to blind them at any moment,
or maybe he wants to guide them to a better life?
One that'll rejoice them with nirvana's light.

Next to the fallen spirit -- a symbol of essense,
I wonder how such beauty could've wasted away.
Her crystal eyes glazed over by frightful memories,
mocking, and silenced on our Anniversary day.
'Til death do us part, my lover bird, fly with Grace.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...249/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...707/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ml#post7958769
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=443400

Wow...

this poem was very interesting both wrote with exquisite taste in the approach taken
the first 3 stanzas where very vivid and emotional more of a loose read with a different kind of imagery that im not very used to reading, the word choice was very enjoyable :
I drunk myself ignorant; my senses dulled
I thought I heard a caw
and me knees weak lost their will.

my favorite part of this half.

the next three stanzas where very neat and clean cut not as emotionally moving as the first 3 but deffinately more polished i was pulled in by the imagery and how smoothly it read it made for an interesting combination of writing although i feel the word usage was elementary but that was highly over shadowed by the clarity and vivid imagery and clean reading

Ready to blind them at any moment,
or maybe he wants to guide them to a better life?
One that'll rejoice them with nirvana's light.

this part of the poem for some reason stood out more than anything else to me

good read by far one of the best things ive read but i honestly havent read alot

Finally getting around to this, my bad for the delay. lol First off it was a good read. Baron, I liked your part. The wording was nice, I especially liked the comparison of 'a vulture to fragility' it was a nice image and tied in well with your overall image. You used some nice literary techniques and description. Well done. Dagel, I liked this also... feels like such a long time since I've read anything by you. lol It was good though, you have good emotion and imagery (as usually is the case with your writing) which really helped paint you poem and it seems you've improved your phrasing since I last read anything by you which helped the read along. Nice work man. Overall, you both have two different styles which actually meshed together really well. Well done to you both and probably one of the best collaborations I've read in a while, maybe since I don't loiter around this section as much as I used to but it was really enjoyable to read. I'll nominate this for PSHOF. Good luck.

Appreciate it.

Very good read, excellent choice of words in my opinion. beautiful imagery, very vivid in my head. It sometimes confuse me meaning wise but I see it as a good thing for it shows its deepness.

"It flew south, so elegant yet obscene
perched upon Charon’s shoulder;
nestled soul deep within its womb.
Bye bye birdie;
I drunk myself ignorant; my senses dulled
I thought I heard a caw
and me knees weak lost their will."

Beautiful here, just excellent


"The sun falls short, hiding behind Mount Everest,
playing peek-a-boo with the creatures of tonight.
Ready to blind them at any moment,
or maybe he wants to guide them to a better life?"

this part made me laugh...ya I got weird humor

Overall it was exceptionally well, this being my first piece I've read from you, you left a good first impression. Let us always seek and find higher enlightment

Sorry it took meh forevah to get to this, but hey, IZA HERE NAO. Baron, I love your word choice; everything was just so easy to read and moved along nicely. I really loved the 2nd stanza(which no one mentioned so far), it had such a nice lulling feel to it. Dagel, wtf at that guy we played zombies with lmao? Was he like 4? Well anyways, nice piece i felt like your 2nd stanza was the best thing you wrote in this. Wording in the 1st stanza was kind of broken at parts, but i still enjoyed it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I enjoyed reading but I'm not sure I understood it to have either a message or a narrative. And yet the form was tied to tradition in some ways, which didn't help the cryptic nature of the poem to flourish. The last stanza was about a dead lover, if I'm not mistaken, and you had the death imagery (Charon, vulture, the reaper), but some of the other imagery seemed too much out of place and I didn't really get a sense of what was being conveyed. Diction throughout was nice. So, well done, but needs redrafting?