linger

lyrics to an upcoming audio drop we sampled the cranberries linger ya dig?

leave feed n i will defs rtf

if i could write a love track with actual depth
with every step you could hear the the beat in my chest
take hold of my flesh n rip to the soul in me left
n lept right down my lungs while i was holding my breath
s'why i find it pretty hard to write a word from the chest
the reason is cause my feelings aint be feeling the best
n my mind n my eyes aint be seeing the rest
i had a lil bit of something but im leaving with less
cause i awake to a face of a brand new me
where i dont outlash on your self esteem
n the old outcast is a helpless me
but help is me n aint no help is free
its helping me to see where my focus be
n every little bit of bullshit that you spoke to me
cause ima.. fool for ya dont feel the worst
your a bright young vowl ina see of words

will be dropping the track in a week or so just wanted to see if you guys had any ideas on if i needed to clean bars up or if it was sweet to go .

*linkies my jinkies*
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...291/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...757/index.html

this was smooth...but be careful of using the same word too many times, ie breath and chest. I also think you could add a hook to this and another verse- make it a real track ya know? Its not very complex, but imo it doesn't need to be. Maybe its cuz I'm a chick but I like the sweetness in this, you don't see too many raps about women that don't include the words "ass" and "fuck" lol. keep doing you! and rtf on Sound Proof please!

there is a hook n other verses lol but just wanted feed on this verse thanks for the feed im actually thinkng of cleaning up the same words i just feel like it works tho i dunno lol

thats shit rhymed well. flowed tight. its going to sound tight on a beat for sure man. this is what id switch the one part too just an opinion.
if i could write a love track with actual depth
with every step you could feel the beat in my chest
take hold of my flesh n rip to the soul in me left
n lept right down my lungs while i was holding my breath

let me know if you feeling that or not, that way it doesnt look like your bar is rhyming breath with breath. anyways I cant wait to hear it when its finished. and check out my open mic another side of the real me if you get a chance and drop some feed. thx man. peace

word dude im using that very cool flip this is why i like outside opinions

glad you liked it man :), now get recording dat piff

dope stuff, I really like the imagery and would definitely like to see the other verses and hook to see how it fits in. The only thing I could really say could be changed would be the double use of "best" and "chest", when I can see places where "death" or "rest" could fit.
For instance:
chills through my spine like I'm living my death

bump

one last bump

Very smooth, very dope and very interesting. I love this drop. 9/10 For real homie. The flow was great, your lyrics were tighter than a virgin. Haha.