Death Of A Soldier.

Death Of A Soldier.
By: Uben.Sonned
And David Peace.


He stands looking over the rails
watching the explosions overhead.
He's about to step foot were other dread
Going to succeed were others failed
Hoists his gun upon his shoulder,
ready and waiting.
He's impatient as his heart grows colder
A soldier of God, yet a friend of satan.
His breathing slows, the doors open
the first one out and the first to fire
Show no fear, yet he's the worst liar

Chaos breaks as the steel toe'd
boots set brace upon enemy land,
men scattered through the bullets
beautiful yet lethal array of speed,
and wind breaking capabilities,
just missing the soldiers head,
but the bombs drown out the skiddish
whisper of death in his ear
as he freezes for a brief moment
a smell entered his nose and
made love with the hairs,
that knotted up his brain
making him unable to act fast
his eyes embark on a journey
scouring the field, in horror
too hard to digest what the
pupils ate out of the vision

as his core's choking.
Seeing death for the first time,
made him scared for his life
He makes the mistake and swallows his pride
as the bullet peirces his spine...


http://www.theninemuses.net/art/sandman/death.jpg

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ve-378026.html

Feed.

Ill RTF.

Beautiful.

Leave links.
I'll RTF.

Ups, leave links and ill RTF.

i liked this piece but i feel like it was more of a topical piece then a poem. i enjoyed the story and the imagery was on point. over all good piece guys. keep it up

Um I thought this was pretty cool..Uben parts seemed to be more like narrative poetry in a way he was just basically stating what was going on...and then David brought out some nice imagery..I like the scent making love to the hairs I thought that was a dope line...*steals it* lol..j/k...but all in all this was a good lil piece here but I thought uben could've did a bit better and David basically was the glue to hold this piece together..so props and rtf..

if one more idiot says that a poem is a topical piece im going to kill him.poems come in all forms.hip hop is poetry.people are such idiots and shouldnt leave feedback on poems if they dont know what the fuck a poem is.anyways..........this had good pictures to it and pulled me in but it ended to quick.the photo was dope and went perfect with the piece here.i like the way you made the soldier lose heart in the end because that happens with alot of so called tough guys when shit really goes down.good piece.check my poem out that ill be dropping later.

i enjoyed the rhythm of the piece. very visual in parts which allowed the reader to grasp the scene easily.

Quote:

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A soldier of God, yet a friend of satan.

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felt that could have used more exploring... or didnt belong. seemed just kind of thrown out there and not tied to the rest of the piece. from the wording (as well as the picture at the end) i was envisiong your typical soldier... and that comment speaks of something beyond. didnt really see the ties to God and satan.

middle stanza had strong images... felt they were broken up a bit by where the lines were broken and that interrupted some of them for me. but aside from that, it was very tangible and easy to picture.

Quote:

---

as his core's choking.
Seeing death for the first time,
made him scared for his life

---

i like where you went with the ending... wish you added more to that bolded line... core's choking is great... seeing death for the first time... should bring about something stronger than just being scared. i think you can pack a harder punch there.

just a few complaints here and there but overall, it meshed well together and told a story that was easy to follow.

The only kind of off part was the friend of God/satan line...all else, DOPE.
The narration worked SO well. The styles are different but together are dope as fuck. I could have read more though. Like seriously. Your imagery was good, although I expected crap cuz its such a played topic...but there was some gold in here.
I liked this guys.
hit ma sig!