Inn 'The End'

Inn
The End


'Welcome, and rest in peace'

As we lay underneath
the blankets of room
'D3 AD'. Slithering into
senility behind closed
curtains, television
a blur, volume static
burdened. Our vision
furthered into tunnel,
our life journey remains
to continue down the
rabbit hole. These vents
exhale warm air instead
of degrees that'd help
dim the heat, as we stay
asleep, the air breathes
in our defeat. The angel
of darkness remains to
reap, but it's too late in
the decision that god
cannot pray among the
faithful. We lie on our
backsides in the term
that our life's were self
reduced to a plate full
of maggots and stems.
So as we waste the
rest of our moments in
this hotel, we hymn
till death do us part,
and together we fade
inside the Inn "The End".

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ow-360711.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...el-360136.html

Wow...I needa look at my life a bit now O_o Good shit man. Makes a person really look at their life in terms of how its working. Or atleast thats what i got out of it. I just woke up again so my feed aint gonna be much. But still. Good shit.

Thanks man.

despite our personal differences i'll never be able to deny your poetic talent is a talent to be recokned with and makes me proud to of have worked with in the past as for the poem itself it does have a tendency to leave the reader in a quick strike of awe and rememberance of old times you did nice.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360993
please RTF

thanks man.

bumper car ups.

i really liked the concept man. definitely another one of your better pieces... not bad at all. the storyline was odd, it's like you were inside an insane asylum as you described it, but then you compared it to an Inn? but the thing about inn's is that you can check out (i don't think you meant it this way) but if you would've made more to the story, it could've turned out even better portraying a patient that was in a crazy house, but under his own will... yet still he felt like he was in hell and this was all "the end"... and "Inn the end" he'd never leave. it was cool how you had it though, just throwing out ideas to get you more into your own pieces... who knows, maybe it'd even help you write your next one... thinking like this makes for good twists and curves in a piece. vocabulary was good... it flowed nicely. word choice was awesome... you did great here man...



- Nash

The concept was nice and your content was mature and really improved from the usual BELL nah mean man props on this... i have to leave short feed as i am on a tight schedule. but this was a well read and thought out piece and was real level minded man. i could picture this being read but there was little slips but nothing to mention as this piece was well put man nice shit Bell.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ou-361172.html

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pique

As we lay underneath
the blankets of room
'D3 AD'. Slithering into
senility behind closed
curtains, television
a blur, volume static
burdened. Our vision
furthered into tunnel,
our life journey remains
to continue down the
rabbit hole. These vents
exhale warm air instead
of degrees that'd help
dim the heat, as we stay
asleep, the air breathes
in our defeat. The angel
of darkness remains to
reap, but it's too late in
the decision that god
cannot pray among the
faithful. We lie on our
backsides in the term
that our life's were self
reduced to a plate full
of maggots and stems.
So as we waste the
rest of our moments in
this hotel, we hymn
till death do us part,
and together we fade
inside the Inn "The End".

---

The first bolded stanza is pretty intense for you, there's alot of content in there that alot of people generally struggle to capture when setting a scene. We already have the image in our minds of the hotel room and it's darkened well by your metaphors for death, e.g. 'D3 AD' and 'Laying under blankets'.
Nicely done, wording's pretty cool and it can only get better with time, that first part has actually impressed me.
The second stanza (unbolded) strayed a little with imagery, but it still kept on topic. You might have revised the wording and grammar of this stanza as it's hard to knuckle down on where anything was meant to be felt from it. The wording was a little off, and it generally just made a little less sense than the first. Revising it and making sure the spelling/grammar/context of all your wording is correct will make or break the piece.
The third stanza (bolded) is powerful in meaning but again you should have revised the wording. Where you've put 'our life's were self' kind of throws me off, A; because you're talking in the present tense and all of a sudden you say 'were' and it makes me get confused between that (past tense) and "we're" (we are) - things like that need to be ironed out to make it a smooth read, otherwise you risk just ruining the readers image.
The other thing is "life's". If you mean more than one life, it's lives. Life's is incorrect (to my knowledge anyway) and the only context it could be taken in is if you were describing somebody's situation;
E.g. His life(')s work was in danger of being ruined by the storm.
Again, time will teach you.
Maggots and stems, nice.
The last part finishes it off simply and effectively, no tricks or anything, just a solid stanza.
I liked the way you twisted the words in 'In the end', i wasn't expecting that at all and it was pretty fresh to read. Overall a pretty nice piece apart from one or two structural weaknesses here and there, but you're rising fast. Keep it up! Sorry for the lack of indepth feed, peace.

well i must say i've seen your workm in the past and you have gotten better, your vocab has increased majorly so i congratulate on that, the imagery was good in the first stanze you had great imagery and it went on to be average after that. you had some good emotion and i really enjoyed your story line, keep at it Pique

Thanks everyone..

This has gotten some good feed..so ima keep it short...

This is definetly one of my favorite pieces by you..it had could vocab, nice wordplay, word choice..and like write said seem to dispaly some growth and maturity as far as dedication and overal talent/approach...so that was fresh all in its own...the storyline was nice, but also like CRY said sometimes thinking more as you write will conclude to a better twist...a hint of originality that can only stem from your very thought process...however that twist that creative idea, may take longer than the actually piece....it can benefit you in so many ways...and my last concern is this new wrap around style works well for you..but you have not mastered it yet....there are times in a sentence where it is good to break and wrap to a new line..and times when it isnt, its all about the word you ened on and what comes on the next line..you cant just cut a line on a dead word..give it meaning, and if it does drop on an unusual word..make sure its backed up with a powerful word after it..but for the most part you dont want to make it choppy..etc but you are definetly getting there.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

last up of the piece.